Givers and Takers

"I'm against all 'It's me's'. It's so self-absorbed and egotistical, like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes." - George, in "The Burning" from the TV Show Seinfeld

 

When I say 'givers and takers' I mean that generally.  It is a tendency in any relationship to be either more of a giver or more of a taker.  No one wants to be the taker, we all want to be or see
ourselves as the giver.  And sure, everyone gives and everyone takes but as I will explain, there are patterns and tendencies we all have whether we see it or not, or want to see it or not.  It is important to understand your tendency because if you are soooo convinced that you are giver you probably are not.  If you are soooo convinced that you are a taker you probably are not.

How do you know if you are by nature, a taker?  Here are a few clues...
*   Takers have an agenda
*   Takers tend to want most everything to go their way
*   Takers have difficulty seeing things from another perspective other than their own
*   Takers are not afraid to tell you what they want or what they like and don't like
*   Takers prefer attention
*   Takers don't feel guilty for things they want or say
*   Takers have no problem saying no.

I am a taker by nature, but fortunately I have learned to see other's perspective and have grown in sensitivity but I can be outspoken, pushy(I like things to go my way), and I definitely have an agenda.  Like I said, we all have tendencies, they don't have to rule us but awareness and being willing to listen those closest to us.  Takers need direct communication, confrontation from others to slow them down so that they can think about what they are doing and saying. 

How do you know that you are giver?  Here are a few clues...
*   Tend to feel guilty about expressing what they need or want
*   Givers can be very sensitive to another's perspective
*   Givers can become resentful when their giving is not returned in kind
*   Givers tend not to be confrontational since there is too much risk in hurting someone
*   Guilty givers give out of fear
*   Givers have a hard time saying no.

Givers tend to go through a long thought process of weighing the situation and what it could mean.."I was invited to a party, but I didn't want to go, but I feel that the person who is hosting the part would be hurt/sad/disappointed if I didn't go, so I went anyway".  Takers are quick to weigh any situation, "I was invited to a party, but I found something else more fun to do instead so I just didn't go, but I had a great time at the other thing".  The orientation is totally different.  Why go to something you don't want to be at?  Why don't you just let the party host know you are not coming? 

So within relationships, you can have two sensitive people deferring to the other but no one is really being 'upfront' "would it be ok with you if we went to the beach today?... Sure, if you really want to...we don't have to go if you don't want to...No, no, if you want to go I will go with you, I wouldn't want you to miss out...are you sure?...Yes(doesn't really want to go but...).
Two takers, who have competing interests..."Let's go to the beach today!...I was planning to go up to the mountains today...ok, so when were you going to tell me?...I just figured you would go because it is fun...Well, I am going to the beach because that is what I want to do...well, you can go alone because I really want to go the mountains...fine, see ya." 

Most of us have been or are in or will be in a giver-taker relationship.  Each with their own perspective but definitely moving in different directions.  "We should go to that party...why?...because if we don't then they will feel bad...I don't care if they feel bad, I would rather go to that new movie...you don't care?  they will think we are not nice!...so what, I don't really know them anyway they are YOUR friends...want you to go because they are my friends...yeah, well not this time, let's go to the movie instead, it will be more fun!"

Obviously, the above 'conversations' are a bit oversimplified, but they reflect the differences in temperament.  Be aware of what and who you are, because then you can identify the sticking points.  The challenge is if you are a taker, to step out of your own world to see another's perspective.  The challenge for you if you are a giver is to speak your mind, more.  Be open to what others may say about you, you will be better off for it.

Shawn
Want more relationship help?  Talk to me shawn@coachingthrough.com