When Sex Gets in The Way

Don't you know that when you sleep with someone your body makes a promise whether you do or not.”--Cameron Diaz, from the Movie, "Vanilla Sky"

Sex in our culture(American) as I see it, is explained one of three ways...First, it is purely a biological urge/need and therefore has little or no meaning other than the meaning/value we apply to it.  Second, sex is for meaningful relationships whether they be short term or long term but within the "relationship" boundary(but not the end of the world if it is a one nighter).  Lastly, sex is for the marriage(the minority view as far as I can tell) relationship only.  Of these views, the only common idea that applies somewhat is that you "don't cheat" on the person you are in relationship with.  All sides can agree on that, usually. 

I believe sex is over emphasized in our culture.  I believe sex, in it's over emphasis has de-humanizing qualities.  There are three aspects that are over done in our culture that de-humanize and damage relationships...1.  Methodology of Sex(are you good in bed?) 2.  Frequency (how many times you have sex) 3.  Sex Appeal(being sexually attractive or your ability to make people want to have sex with you).  These three can create lots of tension, anger, infidelity, and hurt.  How? 

In our culture there is an emphasis on methodology.  It is about what you can do in bed.  Are you boring or exciting?  Can you be spontaneous or are you predictable?  Do you know what you are doing or don't you?  Soon sex is about the act itself and your skill set.  Comparison is inevitable.  Is your current partner as good as your last?  Is your spouse as good as someone from your past?  Your mind and body can give you away.  Not into it with your current partner?  Your body will not respond and your partner will know.  You don't even have to say anything.  Then there is the "I better come up with something new or I will lose them, because they are not interested".  That is pressure to perform!  Your relationship is hinging on what you can do in bed.  Not communication, not being there for them, not a shared vision/mission in life, but a "what have you done for me lately" in bed!  Not de-humanizing for you?  Let me continue...

Frequency of sex determines whether you have a good or bad relationship.  We are bombarded by this message via TV, Movies, Blogs, etc...Judgements are made on 'how many times'.  Really?  Any relationship counsellor will tell you that "scorekeeping" is tremendously damaging within a relationship.  Our culture tells us, 'well not with sex, it's different'.  No it is not.  Again, people are different.  Some require more sex, some not as much.  Each person should learn to not have as much and the other more.  Just like any other aspect of a relationship like money.  The spender needs to spend less and the tightwad needs to be more flexible, it is something you talk about a lot.  When pressure is put on a relationship based again on performance, one person having to live up to the expectation of another with very little ACCEPTANCE then you got a lousy relationship, sexual or not.   Want more dehumanizing, ok!

Being sexy is all about attraction.  Sure, what is sexy for one person isn't sexy for another but there is this crazy obession with sexy.  "Being Hot" or sexy when over emphasizes plays to an individual's insecurity.  Those who are considered the most attractive by our culture are some of the most insecure people.  Never sexy enough.  Why?  Because even the most 'attractive' people know that there is always someone 'hotter' than you.  So if you are putting too much emphasis on how you look to be attractive to others, you have already lost.  Your value as a person ends up being about attention.  How much attention can I get to feel good about myself.  Or better, being a mom or dad who has to hold on to being sexually attractive to others.  Sure they say they want to be attractive for each other, but once you buy into that how do you explain to your teenagers the difference between the importance of being sexy and having a active/healthy sex life with your spouse?    Nothing is as dehumanizing as acting, feeling and being treated like a piece of meat. 

Being human is about the whole person.  Body, mind and spirit/soul.  Sex is only a part of that equation.  When it overwhelms the mind, spirit/soul and body of a person, then the whole thing is broken.  Sex gets in the way of relating by putting emphasis on something that isn't supposed to be that important.  Usually to the exclusion of a better overall relationship, one that can stand the test of time.
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, contact me if you would like shawn@coachingthrough.com