“Whatever you fear most has no power over you. It is the fear that has the power.”--George Clooney, from the Movie, "Men Who Stare At Goats"
Fear has an interesting effect on people. For some, fear springs us into action, often wrong actions or really reaction. Fear can cause us to try too hard to connect with people we are interested in, or we sense are losing. Fear can cause us to do things we never thought we would do to the point of personal compromise and loss of self respect. For others, fear has a paralyzing effect. It keeps people from acting when they should act. Fear causes us to think too much, 'paralysis by analysis', where we have to see everything before we act. Fear keeps us from initiating conversations, going to social events where we don't know too many people, fear keeps us from sharing our hearts and being vulnerable without which a relationship of any substance is not possible.
I can remember a very specific example from my life where fear(and just feeling low) influenced by choices. I had just relocated to the Portland area with my 1st wife. I was working for a guy I knew from the Seattle area(where I grew up) doing a job I hated and was lousy at...plumbing. I was his assistant. I needed the job and quickly found that I really didn't like it at all to the point of wanting to quit. I hadn't done that without another job lined up or full time school pending. There was a lot going on inside my head and heart, a real low point personally.
One day I come to work and the guy I worked for told me that he was 'lending' me out to an associate of his to work for him because he 'owed the guy money'. Unbelievable. This 'associate' of his was not one of my favorite people. I had been around this guy before and quite frankly, one of the most profane, disgusting human beings I had ever met, so to say I was not thrilled by this new development is an understatement. I went though, because I needed the job and I was really surprised by this situation. So I come home, and tell the wife about it. Not real sympathetic. At least that is how I remember it. I mean that's what you do. Good day or bad day, you talk about your 'day'. Apparently, that didn't apply to me when it was a bad day.
You see, the problem that was brewing here is that it wasn't really about just one bad situation. I was feeling pretty bad as a whole, not feeling like a contributor, not working at a job that I remotely liked, just left a job that I thought I would be doing a long time that was a better fit, feeling isolated, no friends(my fault, I didn't cultivate or maintain them at that time), things just were not going my way. So whenever I talked about a 'bad day', it was really a bad life and bad feelings. I was not telling the whole story because I was afraid to say "I feel like a failure", "I am depressed/discouraged". Why? Because I believed that is an admission of weakness. I wasn't supposed to be weak, I am man, I am a husband, I have to have the answers, I need to lead. Vulnerability was not my strong suit, and my confidence was shaken. I felt like I was letting my wife down. That was hard to admit to.
Another problem was that I didn't feel supported by my first wife. Why? Because I think she was very concerned about money/security and the future. Why do I say "I think", why didn't I know? Because that was a conversation I didn't want to have because I was afraid that I would not measure up or hear her expectations that I felt I couldn't do. I didn't need that now. So with all that floating about, after I finished the project with the 'associate' of the guy I worked for, I quit and didn't have another job lined up. The problem was, I didn't tell my wife that I quit until after I decided and quit. Big mistake. That did some serious damage to trust, and her view of me. I did it that way because I was afraid, better to say 'I am sorry' than ask permission. Because I never would have got permission or so I thought at the time.
As a man, it is hard to say stuff, especially negative feelings like discouragement, depression and lack of confidence. If there is anything that will make you feel like less of a man it is those feelings. Fear has a way of driving things underground. The key is getting those things above ground and on the table. It is way better to be open and honest with your feelings than to pretend or hide. Even if you are convinced it won't be well received, too bad, that is not the point. You will not be able to move on from those feelings until you say them out loud to someone. The alternative is not a pretty picture, trust me, I know.
Shawn
Hey, talk to me because I can help with your relationship stuff shawn@coachingthrough.com
No comments:
Post a Comment