Change, the Ugly Kind

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." --Anatole France

I personally like change.  Not change for change sake.  But change is better than being stuck.  Obviously, not all change is very much fun.  Many types of change that come into our lives are beyond our control.  Other types of change happen because of our own choices when given time to play out, they often take us places we did not want or expect.  So I have included some change from my life that was Good, bad and ugly.

Ugly change has to do with wanting something not to ever end then it does like a divorce.  I never envisioned myself ever being involved in a divorce.   No matter which end of the divorce you are on, it is a huge change.  I like the word abrupt.  The life that you knew is over and the "new life" that is ahead is so full of uncertainty.  There are three aspects to this change, grieving, uncertainty, and realization.

Grieving is part of the whole post divorce process.  Like grieving for someone who has passed away, you treat the relationship emotionally in the same manner.  Anger, sadness, loss, depression, blame, questioning(why?), and the like are part of the deal.  It's too bad that some people get so stuck in any of phases of grief.  It is a trap and will keep you "in the divorce" for as long as you hold on to it.  Painful?  Extremely.  It's the type of change you don't really want even if you think you do, like life would be easier.  I just don't see that.  Divorce ALWAYS makes life harder regardless of the circumstances. 

Uncertainty is the part of any change in anyone's life that makes them hate change.  Why?  Because you just don't know how things will turn out.  You can believe what you want, but when it all said and done, no one knows.  You spend a considerable part of your life with a person you chose and now it's over.  Now what?  Everyone tells you to move on but you can't just flip a switch and move on.  You move on when your process tells you to.  What is that process?  Being able to make choices purely for your reasons and those reasons are not a reaction or a "rebound" or conditioned upon your ex at all.  Another part of that process is time.  Time helps you to figure out what to do next.  You need time to work through your grief.  You need to time to be you, that is making plans for yourself.  It's really quite hard. 

Realization has to do with gaining understanding of what just happened and what your part in it was.  Too many people skip this part.  You gotta be able to ask yourself or allow others to ask you hard questions about what you did to contribute to the end your marriage with your ex.  If you need counselling do it.  If you have a friend or two in whom you can trust to be fairly objective and honest with you ask them if you don't know.  It is never just one person's fault.  One person doesn't just wreck the whole thing.  It takes two to tango as they say.  Unless you are willing to go here, with a little self-evaluation, then change for you will continue to be ugly as it relates to divorce. 

All of the above thoughts are from experience.  I know what if feels like to be tossed aside.  I also know what it feels like to realize that I had a part to play in the end of my 1st marriage.  I know the process.  Talk to me I can help...
Shawn