"Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy. "--Bill Cosby
Just about every book on communication within a marriage or relationship focuses on the differences of gender. Sometimes, these books look at other differences too but not to the same extent. It is a real 'his vs. hers" world in relationshipland. I don't mean to minimize the difference. I just think it is a bit old fashioned to just make that the "big deal". For we know that the traditional roles of males and females has blurred. It is not cookies cutter anymore, it is or should be taken as a case by case outlook, devoid of stereotypes. Now, I am not advocating androgyny or a pure egalitarian thing or even a dismissal of gender social development. What I am saying is that there is an underlying concept or characteristic in ANYONE, regardless of gender, race, economics, education, family of origin, etc... that makes the most difference in communication.
Being defensive, or closed, or always right or flat out dishonest is the killer of communication. The inability to see past your own nose, your own experience, your own perspective and allow for other input that is not yours is the key to communication. It doesn't matter what gender you are when you are not willing to listen, or respect anothers PERSPECTIVE. It's does not matter if you are a logical/linear thinker or a emotions/feelings person, because those characteristics are irrelevant if you are not willing to be open to another's view of the world. Being able to say to yourself..."I don't have all the answers to the most basic things in life", or "I need another point of view, it would be good for me". Most people don't think that way. We operate out of "I know what I know, and there is very little for anyone to add to that". This is especially true of how we handle finances, or even how to clean a garage or even define words like "love".
In fact, we all are driven to find "compatibility", finding someone who thinks very much like we do about as much as possible. Or is it when someone "gets us". Maybe it is just that we come to believe that they get "where we are coming from". Usually these items of what I like to call 'percieved' understanding don't go far enough. Rarely, can anyone say going into marriage or in the 'getting serious' phase of a relationship..."I really like their perspective on money, it is so different than mine and I really need that type of outlook!"--said the 'I know how to handle money' person or "I enjoy their risk taking style especially about the future, they are just so comfortable with life being open ended!"--said the 'I like to have all my ducks in row' person.
It is each of us, living in our own worlds, with our set of ideas, expectations, and experiences that make communication(understanding each other, respecting each other, listening to each other) difficult. Gender difference is just one of many issues, not THE issue, like it seems to be made out to be in so many books. Why do I think this is a big deal? Because...
It wasn't gender differences that killed my 1st marriage. It was my inability to be open to what she was saying, it was my inability to ask clarifying questions to understand the meaning of what was being said, it was my pre-conceived notions of love, sex, marriage, etc... that I was not able to nor willing to let go of, or allow another person to scrutinize my ideas. And also her inability to do the same. The ability to accept that I was wrong or the ability to adjust and allow for discussion of possible new direction etc...Nor was I able to create or nurture an environment for negative feelings being expressed without it being taken personally. It was about being right, it was about defending myself, it was about my way, my feelings, my view of the world.
Being open does not come naturally, it comes by knowing that it can make a relationship a beautiful place to be and the alternative not so beautiful.
Shawn
Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach shawn@coachingthrough.com
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