"I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational." - Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser" from the TV show Seinfeld
The Calendar, whether it is pinned to the wall or in your phone, whichever you use, is an opportunity to express yourself. Again, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, dating, getting serious, newly married, or been married a while, The Calendar creates multiple opportunities for you to initiate, defer, say yes, say no, say maybe, say yes then forget and plan something else, etc...The Calendar challenges each person in the relationship to agree to something. Events like birthdays, holidays, camping trips, dinner out with same gender friends, dinners with friends and the like have the potential to bring out the wimp or the lion in you and your relationship partner.
One of the interesting things is that when the relationship is new, you just want to spend time with the other person which, can make you very agreeable but set you up for some miserable time spent. As the relationship evolves, the potential for someone to really, really not want to do what the other plans comes more into focus. It is at this point someone begins the pretending. Pretending to enjoy and see the immense value of the event, like an evening with friends of your relationship partner that are quite frankly annoying, that can take lots of pretending. The problem with pretending(sometimes you gotta), is knowing when to switch that off. You need to ask yourself, when do I just say no, or no thanks and give reasons? Pick and choose wisely but you need to do it.
Another part of The Calendar is who is in charge of it? Too often, I have seen, men don't even try. The Calendar is too important to not know what is on it. The Calendar is each person's responsibility to plan TOGETHER events and activities that each can have a say in. Each person should have the right to say no, with reasons. Each person should agree to events that they know the other loves that they don't but not all the time. If you find that you agree to lots of stuff that you really don't like but don't say anything, then that is on you. You have no right to be resentful or do the 'rolling of the eyes', or complain about the event that you either chose not to know about(she is in charge of the calendar), or chose not to speak up for yourself(I don't enjoy evenings with that couple because....so I don't think we should hang out with them).
The Calendar can also be about how much time you spend doing things/events. Some people like to have a full schedule, others like more time to themselves, or like more time as a couple. When you are stuck at home a lot, with hardly any events but you WANT and need more social interaction, you need to say something. Most people try to say something, but they don't get their point across. One person in any relationship should not control what goes on, period. If you don't want to make this an issue now, when you begin to feel it, it will be an issue later whether you want it to or not. Stuffing things down only blows up later, and comes out with choice words that do way more damage than the earlier stages.
The Calendar, though simple in design has the potential for a loss or your self, your identity, the loss of your voice in the relationship. The Calendar, can be a great tool to keep certain topics upfront, by reviewing what the Calendar says or when something is to be TALKED ABOUT BEFORE going on the Calendar. If as a couple you get into the habit of talking about the schedule, you will find more freedom to speak up for yourself, and be prepared to listen to your partner speak up about themselves. What an opportunity!
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach who knows from experience, I can help. shawn@coachingthrough.com
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