"You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide.”--Guy Henry from the Movie, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
One of the main reasons that my first marriage failed was because I didn't understand what intimacy was. I think the best thing I could do was come up with the word 'closeness' like a feeling of closeness. I didn't know how to make that happen or contribute to intimacy in a proactive way. I knew some things that would hurt that feeling of closeness like doing things wrong, or doing the wrong thing. Whatever brought criticism or correction in that marriage stunted my ability to feel closeness. Was she overly critical? Yes. Was I overly sensitive to correction? Yes. It takes two to tango, as they say.
The main problem I had at the time was the lack of transparency. Transparency is a big word that carries a lot of meaning. It is the ability to be open, real, vulnerable and fairly confident. I wanted to be real. I wanted to be open. I wanted or thought I was a confident person in myself, but I wasn't. Vulnerable? No so much. Defensive is more like it. I was hard on myself sometimes and would beat myself up a little. Sometimes that is necessary. The problem was I was doing that a lot. I preferred my own self-critique to the critique of others. That made it hard to listen and weigh and take in what was being said so that I could keep that which was relevant and get rid of that which wasn't true.
In that marriage, neither of us were doing the things you need to do to cultivate an environment of closeness/intimacy. Here were some missing ingredients...unified plan/purpose(where are we going?), freedom to express feelings(especially negative feelings), Values clarification(what's important to each person), needs expressed(mainly by me, I just didn't know how). As you can see, those items are key in any long term relationship. There were a lot of assumptions but little hashing it out. We were not on the same page.
When there is a plan, as a couple you have the opportunity to change the plan but also, TO WORK AS A TEAM on the plan. That will bring you closer together. When you can express feelings like frustration, anger, depression, sadness without the other person taking it personally or worse dismissing your feelings as important or valid, that will bring you closer. When as a couple you can express your heart, your passion for things you want to do(future/dream) or just be allowed to talk passionately, then that will also bring you closer together. When you can say "I need...time with you, sex, certain chores done, forgiveness, more fun, etc... and the other person hears you and comes through for you(not everytime), that will bring you closer and you will experience intimacy.
What intimacy is not...sex. Sex is the result of intimacy. If there is plenty of sex but no closeness then you have meaningless sex. You are doing sex as a biological need or as an
obligation or as an amusement not relationally. Anybody can have that kind of sex with whomever, nothing special about that. Intimacy is not...talking. Intimacy is action, proactive, specific, deep, and risky in that you have to put yourself out there. Intimacy is not...quick. It takes time and commitment to develop that kind of relationship. Often, closeness is tested by events outside your relationship like careers, in-laws, changes etc...
I hid a lot of my feelings in that first marriage for two reasons 1. it was not safe to put them out there 2. I didn't have enough confidence/courage to do it anyway. Intimacy will not happen until you relentlessly put yourself out there and invite your spouse or partner to do the same.
Shawn
I been through a lot, I know some stuff, I can help. shawn@coachingthrough.com
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