Finding your Confidence

"Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment."--Fred Brooks
"Experience teaches only the teachable."--Aldous Huxley

I like to think that I am teachable.  I may not be the smartest(though I believe that I am fairly smart) but I really try not to repeat mistakes.
Obviously, no one can learn from just one failure in one area and be done with it.  There is this word that I really like, it's called conviction.  Conviction is deeper than belief, it is a sort of convincedness(I made that up myself!).  Being convinced of some thing, you believe it to be an absolute, for sure, without exception sort of thing.  So much so, you live by it.  Your actions and what you think are one.  

Conviction, I believe is formed from experience.  Conviction is the confidence that what you think and feel about something is true or right.  It's being sure.  It's trusting your feelings at the right time about the right situation.  Confidence comes with being sure of yourself in the sense of being able to figure out what you want and what you don't want/need.  You learn to focus your relationships in an intentional manner, looking for the most important pieces in another person to see if they are more than "good looking", "fun", or "smart". 

Transitional relationships are helpful in developing conviction through experience.  What do I mean by transitional?  It's the relationship(s) that gives you the sharpest sense of what you want and don't want in a life long partner(spouse).  You go into the 'transitional' relationship thinking you know what you want and you come out of that relationship with conviction and knowing what you want without compromise.  How?  Because the very nature of a transitional relationship is one that does not meet your most basic needs of being cared for in the manner that fits best.  Also, there is always problem with key values matches. 

For example, from my own experience, I had a girlfriend that I thought would work out to something more permanent.  My criteria for what would make for a good match was a little fuzzy.  After this relationship ended, I learned a lot and it sharpened my focus on what was going to work and what wasn't.  Money/finances were in issue, in that we had totally different values systems.  Both were valid but they did not match at all which would have been very harmful for a marriage.  Life experience/perspective was an issue too since I was a bit older, been married, lived longer, it gave me a perspective that was quite different from hers.  Then there was just a basic style of living difference.  She was more family oriented, I was not, she like to be busy, I don't.  All that was learned from looking back. 

Experience isn't the most fun way to learn, but it is very effective as long as you are open to learning.  If you are repeating the same mistakes then there is something 'broken' in you that needs further attention.  Seek out a professional counselor, they can help you heal.

Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, I can help shawn@coachingthrough.com