Expressing Yourself Effectively

"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.”  --Richard Harris from the Movie "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"

Maintaining or even finding your own identity within the workings of a relationship is tricky stuff.  For some, it's not that hard, you just say how you feel, when you feel it and that makes what you say valid, because it is how you feel.  For others, it is scary to think of pushing things along or expressing anything but negative feelings or perceived negative feelings.  Whether it is a just developing dating relationship, an established relationship possibly headed for marriage, or a marriage(new, or experienced) or even the aftermath of a divorce, expressing yourself effectively is super important.

No where within a relationship is your identity tested than making decisions.  As a couple, decision making is the big 'spot light' no your relationship, exposing some of the critical issues that live in the shadows.  Who decides what choices?  When is it a mutual decision?  When are decisions done with input or opinion?  It is within these questions and expose whether you are expressing yourself effectively or not.  Many times, the person who is comfortable making decisions, just does it.  Usually, the other person in the relationship has a tendency to defer or not give any input since their partner is so comfortable/confident.  Or...they withhold their opinion and harbor resentment because they don't agree but cannot find the words to express their ideas. 

In my current marriage(I was married once before), we did this really helpful exercise where we listed out all the choices/decisions a couple could make and then put them into boxes that were labeled...
Shawn's Decisions No input needed
Jen's Decisions No input needed
Shawn Decisions with Jen's input
Jen's Decisions with Shawn's input
Decisions with mutual consent
We put all sorts of stuff in those boxes, some mundane and practical, like 'buying groceries' to
'purchasing a car' to 'retirement strategies', 'to decorating the house', etc...
It was a great exercise, but what helped was that we both were committed to 'doing things together'.   If you want to be a team, don't assume it is your job to make all the decisions.  If you want to express yourself, don't give away input on decisions.  It doesn't mean be a control freak, but if you are having difficultly expressing yourself and your feelings and thoughts(identity) then you need to stick your nose in there and stand up to some of the choice making. 

In my first marriage, I surprisingly gave away lots of input.  Why?  For the sake of avoiding confrontation or disagreement.  At the end of the relationship, she bought a car, drove it home and all I did was shrug!  I had no idea she was buying a car.  I also had very little idea on the bills, budget and so I left a void, a void of what I thought, a void of responsibility, a void of balancing what was going on.  In the end, she filled the void left by me and it annoyed her.  I resented her but that was my own fault because I was trading 'peace' for input and potential disagreement, and you know what I ended up with?  No Peace, but destruction of a marriage.

Even if you are just dating, give honest input whenever possible.  Why?  So that you can practice expressing yourself and to see how the other person deals with someone suggesting another idea.  If there is a pattern of defensiveness or argumentation, address it.  If it persists, then get out.  Trust me on that one.

Shawn
Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach, I can help shawn@coachingthrough.com