It Goes Without Saying...

"Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage." --Sydney J. Harris

Quite often in any relationship, words are exchanged that carry a lot of meaning, hurt, joy, anger, hope, honesty, dishonesty etc...  At other times, not a lot is being said or shared by one person in the relationship.  You have one person seeking understanding, the truth, closeness and the other person at times, gives you nothing.  A blank.  Or maybe it is both of you in a conversation that is leading somewhere kinda scary(break-up, marriage, confrontation, finances, etc...) and it ends with no resolution, clarification or direction.  A blank.  Just like one of those tests from High School or Jr. High "The capital of Maine is __________________ ."

When people we are in relationship with share information or they share their feelings and their thoughts, it gives you something to think about, to feel about and react to.  When you get nothing or a blank, it is I believe human nature to fill that in yourself.  We all have this tendency.  Why?  Because it is a very difficult place to live, in uncertainty.  The blank makes us feel uncertain about the other person or our standing with that person.  Since there is no information, we are left with our own "take" and it usually goes inward.  We end up projecting our fears, insecurities or our hopes and dreams into the blank left by another.  We become so sure of what the possible meanings to the blank because they are feelings we all harbor.

The classic case is the "I will call you sometime".  After a couple of days, you begin to wonder if it will happen and then start asking the question "why isn't he calling me?".  You are living in uncertainty and it is not fun.  Another example of the blank is when you are having a conversation and it turns to more serious things like the future(future of the relationship in a pre-married state) and nothing is given as to whether there is a future, just a non-answer.  That is uncertainty.  No one is asking the question but it comes up unexpectedly but now it is out there and there is nothing said or implied by the other person, so you come away wondering what all that means.  The wondering comes from lack of information.  Now you start going inward to fill the blank.  Still another example is in marriage when the question is a feelings question is asked and the answer is a non-answer(I don't know, or a blank stare, or a deflection) you are left with a blank and now the temptation is to fill it yourself because you are uncertain as to where your spouse is at in relation to their feelings.

In responding to "the blank", you have some options.  You can leave it alone.  You can ask a specific question.  You can ask for an answer, not now but in a day or two.  It really depends upon the nature of the relationship.  Sometimes a "blank" is an answer.  Especially if you are in the earliest stages of a "possible" relationship.  But if you are married, a blank answer or non-answer to important questions or conversations is and should be unacceptable.  It just may take your spouse more time to answer and they should be allowed that time.  You be the judge on the time factor.  Asking questions are a powerful way to communicate and to gain understanding.  You don't need to "fill in the blank" all by yourself.  Again, depending upon the nature of the relationship, if there is a blank, the other person needs to fill it for you and you need to help them do it if they can't do it for themselves.

Clarification is key.  Be patient but don't be afraid to ask for more.  Or else all you are left with is uncertainty and your own answers.

Shawn
Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com, if you are interested in finding out what Relationship Coaching is all about.