“You won't know until the end of your life who your greatest friends were or who your greatest love was.”--Sean Penn from the Movie, "Milk"
Change is inevitable in life. Change in and around a relationship, though inevitable is unpredictable. More often than not, I dwell on the insides of a relationship. This post is about a curious and perplexing phenomenon that can happen when you start dating someone, or when you get engaged or when you get married. It has to do with the loss of friends. I have seen it quite often, and I have experienced it myself. I am always caught off guard by it, but I shouldn't by now.
Losing a friend because you are in a relationship, or your relationship is getting serious or you are now making plans to be married is painful. You want to share your happiness but it is hard to incorporate close friends into that mix. I believe there is a phase where you spend almost all of your free time with the person you are in relationship with. This phase helps you to bond with them, get to know them and as your feelings grow, there is no place on earth you would rather be than with your relationship partner. During this phase it is really hard emotionally, physically(can't be in two places at once) and just hard to see outside of the relationship. I believe a little "benefit of the doubt" is in order here. You should be allowed or freed up to explore the relationship.
It is not easy being on the other side. Being the friend without the new, or continuing relationship is hard too. You get used to having your friend be available to do stuff, talk or whatever but now that is gone. Adjustment is needed. Letting go is needed. Wishing them the best is what is needed. Letting them know that you are available whenever is important too. It is hard going from spontaneously calling, "whatcha doing?" to scheduling an appointment. But it is what it is. So you as the friend have a choice to make. Push for time, be resentful, make this the deal breaker(she spends too much time with him! It's unhealthy!) drama OR be supportive, ask for time and try to schedule it, and wait your turn.
It's not fun change for friendships, when one of you starts a relationship. It's bad change when friends leave because you are in a relationship or are married with more time responsibilities. Bad in the sense, no one wins and each person feels bad about it.
Shawn
It is not easy being on the other side. Being the friend without the new, or continuing relationship is hard too. You get used to having your friend be available to do stuff, talk or whatever but now that is gone. Adjustment is needed. Letting go is needed. Wishing them the best is what is needed. Letting them know that you are available whenever is important too. It is hard going from spontaneously calling, "whatcha doing?" to scheduling an appointment. But it is what it is. So you as the friend have a choice to make. Push for time, be resentful, make this the deal breaker(she spends too much time with him! It's unhealthy!) drama OR be supportive, ask for time and try to schedule it, and wait your turn.
It's not fun change for friendships, when one of you starts a relationship. It's bad change when friends leave because you are in a relationship or are married with more time responsibilities. Bad in the sense, no one wins and each person feels bad about it.
Shawn
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