Accessorising Your Life

“A tiny fragment of a Dad is still a Dad"--Mathieu Amarlic from the Movie 'The Diving Bell and the Butterfly'

This post isn't just about Dads, or parenting or being married.  It has to do with a very common attitude about relationships in general and plays itself out more in marriage relationships and parenting situations.  The attitude starts way before that.  It is a way of living or a lifestyle, a world view if you will, that when seen in black and white is quite ugly but we find ways to rationalize our 'attitude'.  The attitude is about seeing people, children, wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends as things that become accessories to your life like jewelry or a car, or a vacation home, and the like. 

When relationships start, the idea is to find someone who is attractive, fun, and easy going.  Those three characteristics will keep a person interested for quite a while.  The next thing to look for is depth, safety and values matches.  Sometimes people look for people who like the same lifestyle, especially competitive types, biking, rock climbing, marathoner but not just them, sports oriented people, book readers and collectors and others.  The problem arises when there are challenges usually time challenges to continuing your lifestyle.  The "lifestyle" becomes the thing because you like it so much.  Now the trick becomes finding someone who will fit into your lifestyle.  Do they get it that you "need" to do this stuff?  Can they share your "passion" for the lifestyle? 

Actually, it is easy to find people who match you on this level.  The problem is when they start challenging the amount of money or time you put into whatever it is you see your lifestyle being.  The tension of change can end a relationship.  But what if you are married?  Being married actually takes more time than dating even if there are no kids involved.  What if there is a baby involved?  How does the baby fit into your lifestyle?  A lot of people work around spouses and babies so that they get to do as much as possible the things they have always done.  When you are at that point, then you are in danger of accessorising your spouse and children.  You have your activities and you have your marriage, and you have your family.  Some people do this with work/careers as a lifestyle.

Treating people as accessories for any length of time will make them feel small and unimportant.  The test is are you willing to put aside your "lifestyle" either permanently or for a time so that you can be there for the changes?  Nothing makes a kid more angry or a spouse more bitter than being a planet orbiting your "sun".  People, whether they are girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, babies, toddlers or teens need time and they need time on their terms which means you will need to give up the things you like to do most for...them.  The question is do you really want to?



Shawn
Talk to me I am a Relationship Coach, shawn@coachingthrough.com