“A tiny fragment of a Dad is still a Dad"--Mathieu Amarlic from the Movie 'The Diving Bell and the Butterfly'
This post isn't just about Dads, or parenting or being married. It has to do with a very common attitude about relationships in general and plays itself out more in marriage relationships and parenting situations. The attitude starts way before that. It is a way of living or a lifestyle, a world view if you will, that when seen in black and white is quite ugly but we find ways to rationalize our 'attitude'. The attitude is about seeing people, children, wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends as things that become accessories to your life like jewelry or a car, or a vacation home, and the like.
When relationships start, the idea is to find someone who is attractive, fun, and easy going. Those three characteristics will keep a person interested for quite a while. The next thing to look for is depth, safety and values matches. Sometimes people look for people who like the same lifestyle, especially competitive types, biking, rock climbing, marathoner but not just them, sports oriented people, book readers and collectors and others. The problem arises when there are challenges usually time challenges to continuing your lifestyle. The "lifestyle" becomes the thing because you like it so much. Now the trick becomes finding someone who will fit into your lifestyle. Do they get it that you "need" to do this stuff? Can they share your "passion" for the lifestyle?
Actually, it is easy to find people who match you on this level. The problem is when they start challenging the amount of money or time you put into whatever it is you see your lifestyle being. The tension of change can end a relationship. But what if you are married? Being married actually takes more time than dating even if there are no kids involved. What if there is a baby involved? How does the baby fit into your lifestyle? A lot of people work around spouses and babies so that they get to do as much as possible the things they have always done. When you are at that point, then you are in danger of accessorising your spouse and children. You have your activities and you have your marriage, and you have your family. Some people do this with work/careers as a lifestyle.
Treating people as accessories for any length of time will make them feel small and unimportant. The test is are you willing to put aside your "lifestyle" either permanently or for a time so that you can be there for the changes? Nothing makes a kid more angry or a spouse more bitter than being a planet orbiting your "sun". People, whether they are girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, babies, toddlers or teens need time and they need time on their terms which means you will need to give up the things you like to do most for...them. The question is do you really want to?
Shawn
Talk to me I am a Relationship Coach, shawn@coachingthrough.com
I just like the picture with the pink headband...
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Change, the Good Kind
It's about time for the type of change that is good, or shall I say great. Definitely greater than George Constanza in a toupee! Again, not everyone like change or has a certain fear element to change. I was talking to a friend who was about to be married in a month and I said to him, "your whole life is going to change, the life you once lived is gone", he gave me a somewhat terrified look. Getting married, going from single to coupled, from little commitment to total commitment is a huge change and transition. For some, the idea of that commitment is so terrifying and others can't wait. Either way, every person who gets married encounters change on a scale way beyond their ability to comprehend. It is the nature of marriage.
I totally believe that the process of making two into one is one of mankind's greatest endeavors.
It is a challenge to work together, to communicate to one another effectively, to support each other when one of you is down, or go through hard times together. All of that is way better than doing life alone. Sure you could live together but there is something missing from that situation. When your money is their money, when your stuff is their stuff, when the bills and expenses are both of yours, when their family is your family, and yours is theirs, that is all in. Being all in is the best way to go.
Marriage teaches me that my way of thinking and doing things and how I see the world is incomplete. Sure, being married doesn't "complete me" but it gets me a whole lot closer to being a whole person than as a single. I know that may offend people but it is true. Anytime that I can think outside myself, is a good thing. One of the problems of being single is that it is so easy to get stuck in our 'own worlds', our truth, our opinions, our comfort, our limited view. Marriage is beautiful because it usually forces me to be better. It makes me consider another person, which makes me a better person by not being so stuck in...me.
I have been single twice. It has many advantages. But, I know I am happier being married. I have thought that if I was rich like winning the lottery and I could choose where to live, what I would do or not do, work or not work, play, travel, etc...as a single person, on paper it seems attractive to have that freedom. But it is not really freedom, it is empty. There is not one thing I could put into my life that would be as fulfilling as sharing life intimately(not just sex) with another person for as long as I live. How many football games could I watch eating pizza and drinking Mt. Dew would it take to be satisfying? How much time spent playing computer strategy games or video sport games would it take to be satisfying? How many times down Mt. Bachelor would it take to feel like I do today? You see, none of those things can make me feel like I do today or tomorrow, or the next day.
I would much rather share my time, my money, my energy, my life with my wife than having the freedom to do what I want when I want how I want. I have lived both, and I chose and will continue to choose my marriage. Everything else is empty and pointless.
Shawn
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Change, the Bad Kind
“You won't know until the end of your life who your greatest friends were or who your greatest love was.”--Sean Penn from the Movie, "Milk"
Change is inevitable in life. Change in and around a relationship, though inevitable is unpredictable. More often than not, I dwell on the insides of a relationship. This post is about a curious and perplexing phenomenon that can happen when you start dating someone, or when you get engaged or when you get married. It has to do with the loss of friends. I have seen it quite often, and I have experienced it myself. I am always caught off guard by it, but I shouldn't by now.
Losing a friend because you are in a relationship, or your relationship is getting serious or you are now making plans to be married is painful. You want to share your happiness but it is hard to incorporate close friends into that mix. I believe there is a phase where you spend almost all of your free time with the person you are in relationship with. This phase helps you to bond with them, get to know them and as your feelings grow, there is no place on earth you would rather be than with your relationship partner. During this phase it is really hard emotionally, physically(can't be in two places at once) and just hard to see outside of the relationship. I believe a little "benefit of the doubt" is in order here. You should be allowed or freed up to explore the relationship.
It is not easy being on the other side. Being the friend without the new, or continuing relationship is hard too. You get used to having your friend be available to do stuff, talk or whatever but now that is gone. Adjustment is needed. Letting go is needed. Wishing them the best is what is needed. Letting them know that you are available whenever is important too. It is hard going from spontaneously calling, "whatcha doing?" to scheduling an appointment. But it is what it is. So you as the friend have a choice to make. Push for time, be resentful, make this the deal breaker(she spends too much time with him! It's unhealthy!) drama OR be supportive, ask for time and try to schedule it, and wait your turn.
It's not fun change for friendships, when one of you starts a relationship. It's bad change when friends leave because you are in a relationship or are married with more time responsibilities. Bad in the sense, no one wins and each person feels bad about it.
Shawn
It is not easy being on the other side. Being the friend without the new, or continuing relationship is hard too. You get used to having your friend be available to do stuff, talk or whatever but now that is gone. Adjustment is needed. Letting go is needed. Wishing them the best is what is needed. Letting them know that you are available whenever is important too. It is hard going from spontaneously calling, "whatcha doing?" to scheduling an appointment. But it is what it is. So you as the friend have a choice to make. Push for time, be resentful, make this the deal breaker(she spends too much time with him! It's unhealthy!) drama OR be supportive, ask for time and try to schedule it, and wait your turn.
It's not fun change for friendships, when one of you starts a relationship. It's bad change when friends leave because you are in a relationship or are married with more time responsibilities. Bad in the sense, no one wins and each person feels bad about it.
Shawn
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Change, the Ugly Kind
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." --Anatole France
I personally like change. Not change for change sake. But change is better than being stuck. Obviously, not all change is very much fun. Many types of change that come into our lives are beyond our control. Other types of change happen because of our own choices when given time to play out, they often take us places we did not want or expect. So I have included some change from my life that was Good, bad and ugly.
Ugly change has to do with wanting something not to ever end then it does like a divorce. I never envisioned myself ever being involved in a divorce. No matter which end of the divorce you are on, it is a huge change. I like the word abrupt. The life that you knew is over and the "new life" that is ahead is so full of uncertainty. There are three aspects to this change, grieving, uncertainty, and realization.
Grieving is part of the whole post divorce process. Like grieving for someone who has passed away, you treat the relationship emotionally in the same manner. Anger, sadness, loss, depression, blame, questioning(why?), and the like are part of the deal. It's too bad that some people get so stuck in any of phases of grief. It is a trap and will keep you "in the divorce" for as long as you hold on to it. Painful? Extremely. It's the type of change you don't really want even if you think you do, like life would be easier. I just don't see that. Divorce ALWAYS makes life harder regardless of the circumstances.
Uncertainty is the part of any change in anyone's life that makes them hate change. Why? Because you just don't know how things will turn out. You can believe what you want, but when it all said and done, no one knows. You spend a considerable part of your life with a person you chose and now it's over. Now what? Everyone tells you to move on but you can't just flip a switch and move on. You move on when your process tells you to. What is that process? Being able to make choices purely for your reasons and those reasons are not a reaction or a "rebound" or conditioned upon your ex at all. Another part of that process is time. Time helps you to figure out what to do next. You need time to work through your grief. You need to time to be you, that is making plans for yourself. It's really quite hard.
Realization has to do with gaining understanding of what just happened and what your part in it was. Too many people skip this part. You gotta be able to ask yourself or allow others to ask you hard questions about what you did to contribute to the end your marriage with your ex. If you need counselling do it. If you have a friend or two in whom you can trust to be fairly objective and honest with you ask them if you don't know. It is never just one person's fault. One person doesn't just wreck the whole thing. It takes two to tango as they say. Unless you are willing to go here, with a little self-evaluation, then change for you will continue to be ugly as it relates to divorce.
All of the above thoughts are from experience. I know what if feels like to be tossed aside. I also know what it feels like to realize that I had a part to play in the end of my 1st marriage. I know the process. Talk to me I can help...
Shawn
I personally like change. Not change for change sake. But change is better than being stuck. Obviously, not all change is very much fun. Many types of change that come into our lives are beyond our control. Other types of change happen because of our own choices when given time to play out, they often take us places we did not want or expect. So I have included some change from my life that was Good, bad and ugly.
Ugly change has to do with wanting something not to ever end then it does like a divorce. I never envisioned myself ever being involved in a divorce. No matter which end of the divorce you are on, it is a huge change. I like the word abrupt. The life that you knew is over and the "new life" that is ahead is so full of uncertainty. There are three aspects to this change, grieving, uncertainty, and realization.
Grieving is part of the whole post divorce process. Like grieving for someone who has passed away, you treat the relationship emotionally in the same manner. Anger, sadness, loss, depression, blame, questioning(why?), and the like are part of the deal. It's too bad that some people get so stuck in any of phases of grief. It is a trap and will keep you "in the divorce" for as long as you hold on to it. Painful? Extremely. It's the type of change you don't really want even if you think you do, like life would be easier. I just don't see that. Divorce ALWAYS makes life harder regardless of the circumstances.
Uncertainty is the part of any change in anyone's life that makes them hate change. Why? Because you just don't know how things will turn out. You can believe what you want, but when it all said and done, no one knows. You spend a considerable part of your life with a person you chose and now it's over. Now what? Everyone tells you to move on but you can't just flip a switch and move on. You move on when your process tells you to. What is that process? Being able to make choices purely for your reasons and those reasons are not a reaction or a "rebound" or conditioned upon your ex at all. Another part of that process is time. Time helps you to figure out what to do next. You need time to work through your grief. You need to time to be you, that is making plans for yourself. It's really quite hard.
Realization has to do with gaining understanding of what just happened and what your part in it was. Too many people skip this part. You gotta be able to ask yourself or allow others to ask you hard questions about what you did to contribute to the end your marriage with your ex. If you need counselling do it. If you have a friend or two in whom you can trust to be fairly objective and honest with you ask them if you don't know. It is never just one person's fault. One person doesn't just wreck the whole thing. It takes two to tango as they say. Unless you are willing to go here, with a little self-evaluation, then change for you will continue to be ugly as it relates to divorce.
All of the above thoughts are from experience. I know what if feels like to be tossed aside. I also know what it feels like to realize that I had a part to play in the end of my 1st marriage. I know the process. Talk to me I can help...
Shawn
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It Goes Without Saying...
"Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage." --Sydney J. Harris
Quite often in any relationship, words are exchanged that carry a lot of meaning, hurt, joy, anger, hope, honesty, dishonesty etc... At other times, not a lot is being said or shared by one person in the relationship. You have one person seeking understanding, the truth, closeness and the other person at times, gives you nothing. A blank. Or maybe it is both of you in a conversation that is leading somewhere kinda scary(break-up, marriage, confrontation, finances, etc...) and it ends with no resolution, clarification or direction. A blank. Just like one of those tests from High School or Jr. High "The capital of Maine is __________________ ."
When people we are in relationship with share information or they share their feelings and their thoughts, it gives you something to think about, to feel about and react to. When you get nothing or a blank, it is I believe human nature to fill that in yourself. We all have this tendency. Why? Because it is a very difficult place to live, in uncertainty. The blank makes us feel uncertain about the other person or our standing with that person. Since there is no information, we are left with our own "take" and it usually goes inward. We end up projecting our fears, insecurities or our hopes and dreams into the blank left by another. We become so sure of what the possible meanings to the blank because they are feelings we all harbor.
The classic case is the "I will call you sometime". After a couple of days, you begin to wonder if it will happen and then start asking the question "why isn't he calling me?". You are living in uncertainty and it is not fun. Another example of the blank is when you are having a conversation and it turns to more serious things like the future(future of the relationship in a pre-married state) and nothing is given as to whether there is a future, just a non-answer. That is uncertainty. No one is asking the question but it comes up unexpectedly but now it is out there and there is nothing said or implied by the other person, so you come away wondering what all that means. The wondering comes from lack of information. Now you start going inward to fill the blank. Still another example is in marriage when the question is a feelings question is asked and the answer is a non-answer(I don't know, or a blank stare, or a deflection) you are left with a blank and now the temptation is to fill it yourself because you are uncertain as to where your spouse is at in relation to their feelings.
In responding to "the blank", you have some options. You can leave it alone. You can ask a specific question. You can ask for an answer, not now but in a day or two. It really depends upon the nature of the relationship. Sometimes a "blank" is an answer. Especially if you are in the earliest stages of a "possible" relationship. But if you are married, a blank answer or non-answer to important questions or conversations is and should be unacceptable. It just may take your spouse more time to answer and they should be allowed that time. You be the judge on the time factor. Asking questions are a powerful way to communicate and to gain understanding. You don't need to "fill in the blank" all by yourself. Again, depending upon the nature of the relationship, if there is a blank, the other person needs to fill it for you and you need to help them do it if they can't do it for themselves.
Clarification is key. Be patient but don't be afraid to ask for more. Or else all you are left with is uncertainty and your own answers.
Shawn
Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com, if you are interested in finding out what Relationship Coaching is all about.
Quite often in any relationship, words are exchanged that carry a lot of meaning, hurt, joy, anger, hope, honesty, dishonesty etc... At other times, not a lot is being said or shared by one person in the relationship. You have one person seeking understanding, the truth, closeness and the other person at times, gives you nothing. A blank. Or maybe it is both of you in a conversation that is leading somewhere kinda scary(break-up, marriage, confrontation, finances, etc...) and it ends with no resolution, clarification or direction. A blank. Just like one of those tests from High School or Jr. High "The capital of Maine is __________________ ."
When people we are in relationship with share information or they share their feelings and their thoughts, it gives you something to think about, to feel about and react to. When you get nothing or a blank, it is I believe human nature to fill that in yourself. We all have this tendency. Why? Because it is a very difficult place to live, in uncertainty. The blank makes us feel uncertain about the other person or our standing with that person. Since there is no information, we are left with our own "take" and it usually goes inward. We end up projecting our fears, insecurities or our hopes and dreams into the blank left by another. We become so sure of what the possible meanings to the blank because they are feelings we all harbor.
The classic case is the "I will call you sometime". After a couple of days, you begin to wonder if it will happen and then start asking the question "why isn't he calling me?". You are living in uncertainty and it is not fun. Another example of the blank is when you are having a conversation and it turns to more serious things like the future(future of the relationship in a pre-married state) and nothing is given as to whether there is a future, just a non-answer. That is uncertainty. No one is asking the question but it comes up unexpectedly but now it is out there and there is nothing said or implied by the other person, so you come away wondering what all that means. The wondering comes from lack of information. Now you start going inward to fill the blank. Still another example is in marriage when the question is a feelings question is asked and the answer is a non-answer(I don't know, or a blank stare, or a deflection) you are left with a blank and now the temptation is to fill it yourself because you are uncertain as to where your spouse is at in relation to their feelings.
In responding to "the blank", you have some options. You can leave it alone. You can ask a specific question. You can ask for an answer, not now but in a day or two. It really depends upon the nature of the relationship. Sometimes a "blank" is an answer. Especially if you are in the earliest stages of a "possible" relationship. But if you are married, a blank answer or non-answer to important questions or conversations is and should be unacceptable. It just may take your spouse more time to answer and they should be allowed that time. You be the judge on the time factor. Asking questions are a powerful way to communicate and to gain understanding. You don't need to "fill in the blank" all by yourself. Again, depending upon the nature of the relationship, if there is a blank, the other person needs to fill it for you and you need to help them do it if they can't do it for themselves.
Clarification is key. Be patient but don't be afraid to ask for more. Or else all you are left with is uncertainty and your own answers.
Shawn
Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com, if you are interested in finding out what Relationship Coaching is all about.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Expressing yourself effectively: The Calendar
"I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational." - Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser" from the TV show Seinfeld
The Calendar, whether it is pinned to the wall or in your phone, whichever you use, is an opportunity to express yourself. Again, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, dating, getting serious, newly married, or been married a while, The Calendar creates multiple opportunities for you to initiate, defer, say yes, say no, say maybe, say yes then forget and plan something else, etc...The Calendar challenges each person in the relationship to agree to something. Events like birthdays, holidays, camping trips, dinner out with same gender friends, dinners with friends and the like have the potential to bring out the wimp or the lion in you and your relationship partner.
One of the interesting things is that when the relationship is new, you just want to spend time with the other person which, can make you very agreeable but set you up for some miserable time spent. As the relationship evolves, the potential for someone to really, really not want to do what the other plans comes more into focus. It is at this point someone begins the pretending. Pretending to enjoy and see the immense value of the event, like an evening with friends of your relationship partner that are quite frankly annoying, that can take lots of pretending. The problem with pretending(sometimes you gotta), is knowing when to switch that off. You need to ask yourself, when do I just say no, or no thanks and give reasons? Pick and choose wisely but you need to do it.
Another part of The Calendar is who is in charge of it? Too often, I have seen, men don't even try. The Calendar is too important to not know what is on it. The Calendar is each person's responsibility to plan TOGETHER events and activities that each can have a say in. Each person should have the right to say no, with reasons. Each person should agree to events that they know the other loves that they don't but not all the time. If you find that you agree to lots of stuff that you really don't like but don't say anything, then that is on you. You have no right to be resentful or do the 'rolling of the eyes', or complain about the event that you either chose not to know about(she is in charge of the calendar), or chose not to speak up for yourself(I don't enjoy evenings with that couple because....so I don't think we should hang out with them).
The Calendar can also be about how much time you spend doing things/events. Some people like to have a full schedule, others like more time to themselves, or like more time as a couple. When you are stuck at home a lot, with hardly any events but you WANT and need more social interaction, you need to say something. Most people try to say something, but they don't get their point across. One person in any relationship should not control what goes on, period. If you don't want to make this an issue now, when you begin to feel it, it will be an issue later whether you want it to or not. Stuffing things down only blows up later, and comes out with choice words that do way more damage than the earlier stages.
The Calendar, though simple in design has the potential for a loss or your self, your identity, the loss of your voice in the relationship. The Calendar, can be a great tool to keep certain topics upfront, by reviewing what the Calendar says or when something is to be TALKED ABOUT BEFORE going on the Calendar. If as a couple you get into the habit of talking about the schedule, you will find more freedom to speak up for yourself, and be prepared to listen to your partner speak up about themselves. What an opportunity!
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach who knows from experience, I can help. shawn@coachingthrough.com
The Calendar, whether it is pinned to the wall or in your phone, whichever you use, is an opportunity to express yourself. Again, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, dating, getting serious, newly married, or been married a while, The Calendar creates multiple opportunities for you to initiate, defer, say yes, say no, say maybe, say yes then forget and plan something else, etc...The Calendar challenges each person in the relationship to agree to something. Events like birthdays, holidays, camping trips, dinner out with same gender friends, dinners with friends and the like have the potential to bring out the wimp or the lion in you and your relationship partner.
One of the interesting things is that when the relationship is new, you just want to spend time with the other person which, can make you very agreeable but set you up for some miserable time spent. As the relationship evolves, the potential for someone to really, really not want to do what the other plans comes more into focus. It is at this point someone begins the pretending. Pretending to enjoy and see the immense value of the event, like an evening with friends of your relationship partner that are quite frankly annoying, that can take lots of pretending. The problem with pretending(sometimes you gotta), is knowing when to switch that off. You need to ask yourself, when do I just say no, or no thanks and give reasons? Pick and choose wisely but you need to do it.
Another part of The Calendar is who is in charge of it? Too often, I have seen, men don't even try. The Calendar is too important to not know what is on it. The Calendar is each person's responsibility to plan TOGETHER events and activities that each can have a say in. Each person should have the right to say no, with reasons. Each person should agree to events that they know the other loves that they don't but not all the time. If you find that you agree to lots of stuff that you really don't like but don't say anything, then that is on you. You have no right to be resentful or do the 'rolling of the eyes', or complain about the event that you either chose not to know about(she is in charge of the calendar), or chose not to speak up for yourself(I don't enjoy evenings with that couple because....so I don't think we should hang out with them).
The Calendar can also be about how much time you spend doing things/events. Some people like to have a full schedule, others like more time to themselves, or like more time as a couple. When you are stuck at home a lot, with hardly any events but you WANT and need more social interaction, you need to say something. Most people try to say something, but they don't get their point across. One person in any relationship should not control what goes on, period. If you don't want to make this an issue now, when you begin to feel it, it will be an issue later whether you want it to or not. Stuffing things down only blows up later, and comes out with choice words that do way more damage than the earlier stages.
The Calendar, though simple in design has the potential for a loss or your self, your identity, the loss of your voice in the relationship. The Calendar, can be a great tool to keep certain topics upfront, by reviewing what the Calendar says or when something is to be TALKED ABOUT BEFORE going on the Calendar. If as a couple you get into the habit of talking about the schedule, you will find more freedom to speak up for yourself, and be prepared to listen to your partner speak up about themselves. What an opportunity!
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach who knows from experience, I can help. shawn@coachingthrough.com
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Expressing Yourself Effectively
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.” --Richard Harris from the Movie "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"
Maintaining or even finding your own identity within the workings of a relationship is tricky stuff. For some, it's not that hard, you just say how you feel, when you feel it and that makes what you say valid, because it is how you feel. For others, it is scary to think of pushing things along or expressing anything but negative feelings or perceived negative feelings. Whether it is a just developing dating relationship, an established relationship possibly headed for marriage, or a marriage(new, or experienced) or even the aftermath of a divorce, expressing yourself effectively is super important.
No where within a relationship is your identity tested than making decisions. As a couple, decision making is the big 'spot light' no your relationship, exposing some of the critical issues that live in the shadows. Who decides what choices? When is it a mutual decision? When are decisions done with input or opinion? It is within these questions and expose whether you are expressing yourself effectively or not. Many times, the person who is comfortable making decisions, just does it. Usually, the other person in the relationship has a tendency to defer or not give any input since their partner is so comfortable/confident. Or...they withhold their opinion and harbor resentment because they don't agree but cannot find the words to express their ideas.
In my current marriage(I was married once before), we did this really helpful exercise where we listed out all the choices/decisions a couple could make and then put them into boxes that were labeled...
Shawn's Decisions No input needed
Jen's Decisions No input needed
Shawn Decisions with Jen's input
Jen's Decisions with Shawn's input
Decisions with mutual consent
We put all sorts of stuff in those boxes, some mundane and practical, like 'buying groceries' to
'purchasing a car' to 'retirement strategies', 'to decorating the house', etc...
It was a great exercise, but what helped was that we both were committed to 'doing things together'. If you want to be a team, don't assume it is your job to make all the decisions. If you want to express yourself, don't give away input on decisions. It doesn't mean be a control freak, but if you are having difficultly expressing yourself and your feelings and thoughts(identity) then you need to stick your nose in there and stand up to some of the choice making.
In my first marriage, I surprisingly gave away lots of input. Why? For the sake of avoiding confrontation or disagreement. At the end of the relationship, she bought a car, drove it home and all I did was shrug! I had no idea she was buying a car. I also had very little idea on the bills, budget and so I left a void, a void of what I thought, a void of responsibility, a void of balancing what was going on. In the end, she filled the void left by me and it annoyed her. I resented her but that was my own fault because I was trading 'peace' for input and potential disagreement, and you know what I ended up with? No Peace, but destruction of a marriage.
Even if you are just dating, give honest input whenever possible. Why? So that you can practice expressing yourself and to see how the other person deals with someone suggesting another idea. If there is a pattern of defensiveness or argumentation, address it. If it persists, then get out. Trust me on that one.
Shawn
Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach, I can help shawn@coachingthrough.com
Maintaining or even finding your own identity within the workings of a relationship is tricky stuff. For some, it's not that hard, you just say how you feel, when you feel it and that makes what you say valid, because it is how you feel. For others, it is scary to think of pushing things along or expressing anything but negative feelings or perceived negative feelings. Whether it is a just developing dating relationship, an established relationship possibly headed for marriage, or a marriage(new, or experienced) or even the aftermath of a divorce, expressing yourself effectively is super important.
No where within a relationship is your identity tested than making decisions. As a couple, decision making is the big 'spot light' no your relationship, exposing some of the critical issues that live in the shadows. Who decides what choices? When is it a mutual decision? When are decisions done with input or opinion? It is within these questions and expose whether you are expressing yourself effectively or not. Many times, the person who is comfortable making decisions, just does it. Usually, the other person in the relationship has a tendency to defer or not give any input since their partner is so comfortable/confident. Or...they withhold their opinion and harbor resentment because they don't agree but cannot find the words to express their ideas.
In my current marriage(I was married once before), we did this really helpful exercise where we listed out all the choices/decisions a couple could make and then put them into boxes that were labeled...
Shawn's Decisions No input needed
Jen's Decisions No input needed
Shawn Decisions with Jen's input
Jen's Decisions with Shawn's input
Decisions with mutual consent
We put all sorts of stuff in those boxes, some mundane and practical, like 'buying groceries' to
'purchasing a car' to 'retirement strategies', 'to decorating the house', etc...
It was a great exercise, but what helped was that we both were committed to 'doing things together'. If you want to be a team, don't assume it is your job to make all the decisions. If you want to express yourself, don't give away input on decisions. It doesn't mean be a control freak, but if you are having difficultly expressing yourself and your feelings and thoughts(identity) then you need to stick your nose in there and stand up to some of the choice making.
In my first marriage, I surprisingly gave away lots of input. Why? For the sake of avoiding confrontation or disagreement. At the end of the relationship, she bought a car, drove it home and all I did was shrug! I had no idea she was buying a car. I also had very little idea on the bills, budget and so I left a void, a void of what I thought, a void of responsibility, a void of balancing what was going on. In the end, she filled the void left by me and it annoyed her. I resented her but that was my own fault because I was trading 'peace' for input and potential disagreement, and you know what I ended up with? No Peace, but destruction of a marriage.
Even if you are just dating, give honest input whenever possible. Why? So that you can practice expressing yourself and to see how the other person deals with someone suggesting another idea. If there is a pattern of defensiveness or argumentation, address it. If it persists, then get out. Trust me on that one.
Shawn
Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach, I can help shawn@coachingthrough.com
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Money and Finances
"The Answers to Life's top 100 questions, 99 of them is Money"--Unknown
As a child I could hear my parents from my bedroom talk about business. You see, my parents owned a small business, a Country Store in our small community. My mom was the bookkeeper and my dad the spender and front man. Really, my mom did that too, be visible, be a marketer. From my bedroom I could hear them stir their coffee, put their spoons down and start talking about the business. It was always about money. That is no surprise if you are small business owner. I remember my mom not liking my dad's spendy ways, thinking it was too risky. Two different approaches, both valid, especially in a business, to expand is to spend, take risks, and be wise, wait, don't spend for a time.
My personal attitude toward money has always been fairly causal. I spend but not much. I don't make much either but never the great planner. My motto, "you always can make more money, but you can't make more time" sums up my values. I think that value made feel a bit above 'economic concerns" either in a macro-large/nationwide sense and in a micro-small/individual sense. Open handed with money yet being rich would be nice, wouldn't it?
When I got married the first time around, this casual attitude was not helpful. I needed to be more conversational about money, a budget, and the "where are we going" sorta goal setter. I was not. I was not the primary provider either for 6 of the 9 years. Oh, I worked and made money but not the sort of one income money. I would say looking back, that didn't help me speak up on the subject or move me from casual to a planner. We needed a plan. We needed to talk about it. I needed to take money way more seriously than I did. But I didn't. It was not THE reason of then end of that marriage, but it was a contributor.
Now that I am married again, I am much more engaged with our budget. I always know how much we have in our checking account. I have goals. We have goals. We talk about finances often, have read a book or two. We make most of our mutual decisions regarding money. What I mean is that if we are purchasing something whether it is clothes for our 2 year old or going out to eat, or plants for the garden, we let each other know. It is no big deal but a great habit to get into as a couple. No entitlement(I owe it to myself), no hidden purchases, and almost always "sure, go for it" is the response because we are not big spenders.
Money becomes the focus of the relationship when bills aren't being paid, spending is out of control, when one person makes financial choices out of fear, or when the the other person makes financial choices to make themselves feel better(shopping as a cure!). Money can also become the focus when nobody talks about it. It's funny that finances can really damage a relationship when nobody talks about it, but when you make it part of your regular conversation it doesn't.
Money and finances are very much a part of life. If there was a conversation to have, it is that one. Get on the same page or at least agree on some key issues. Have a plan, have goals, be transparent with your spending, you will be glad you did.
Shawn
As a child I could hear my parents from my bedroom talk about business. You see, my parents owned a small business, a Country Store in our small community. My mom was the bookkeeper and my dad the spender and front man. Really, my mom did that too, be visible, be a marketer. From my bedroom I could hear them stir their coffee, put their spoons down and start talking about the business. It was always about money. That is no surprise if you are small business owner. I remember my mom not liking my dad's spendy ways, thinking it was too risky. Two different approaches, both valid, especially in a business, to expand is to spend, take risks, and be wise, wait, don't spend for a time.
My personal attitude toward money has always been fairly causal. I spend but not much. I don't make much either but never the great planner. My motto, "you always can make more money, but you can't make more time" sums up my values. I think that value made feel a bit above 'economic concerns" either in a macro-large/nationwide sense and in a micro-small/individual sense. Open handed with money yet being rich would be nice, wouldn't it?
When I got married the first time around, this casual attitude was not helpful. I needed to be more conversational about money, a budget, and the "where are we going" sorta goal setter. I was not. I was not the primary provider either for 6 of the 9 years. Oh, I worked and made money but not the sort of one income money. I would say looking back, that didn't help me speak up on the subject or move me from casual to a planner. We needed a plan. We needed to talk about it. I needed to take money way more seriously than I did. But I didn't. It was not THE reason of then end of that marriage, but it was a contributor.
Now that I am married again, I am much more engaged with our budget. I always know how much we have in our checking account. I have goals. We have goals. We talk about finances often, have read a book or two. We make most of our mutual decisions regarding money. What I mean is that if we are purchasing something whether it is clothes for our 2 year old or going out to eat, or plants for the garden, we let each other know. It is no big deal but a great habit to get into as a couple. No entitlement(I owe it to myself), no hidden purchases, and almost always "sure, go for it" is the response because we are not big spenders.
Money becomes the focus of the relationship when bills aren't being paid, spending is out of control, when one person makes financial choices out of fear, or when the the other person makes financial choices to make themselves feel better(shopping as a cure!). Money can also become the focus when nobody talks about it. It's funny that finances can really damage a relationship when nobody talks about it, but when you make it part of your regular conversation it doesn't.
Money and finances are very much a part of life. If there was a conversation to have, it is that one. Get on the same page or at least agree on some key issues. Have a plan, have goals, be transparent with your spending, you will be glad you did.
Shawn
Monday, August 15, 2011
What is the big deal with gender differences?
"Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy. "--Bill Cosby
Just about every book on communication within a marriage or relationship focuses on the differences of gender. Sometimes, these books look at other differences too but not to the same extent. It is a real 'his vs. hers" world in relationshipland. I don't mean to minimize the difference. I just think it is a bit old fashioned to just make that the "big deal". For we know that the traditional roles of males and females has blurred. It is not cookies cutter anymore, it is or should be taken as a case by case outlook, devoid of stereotypes. Now, I am not advocating androgyny or a pure egalitarian thing or even a dismissal of gender social development. What I am saying is that there is an underlying concept or characteristic in ANYONE, regardless of gender, race, economics, education, family of origin, etc... that makes the most difference in communication.
Being defensive, or closed, or always right or flat out dishonest is the killer of communication. The inability to see past your own nose, your own experience, your own perspective and allow for other input that is not yours is the key to communication. It doesn't matter what gender you are when you are not willing to listen, or respect anothers PERSPECTIVE. It's does not matter if you are a logical/linear thinker or a emotions/feelings person, because those characteristics are irrelevant if you are not willing to be open to another's view of the world. Being able to say to yourself..."I don't have all the answers to the most basic things in life", or "I need another point of view, it would be good for me". Most people don't think that way. We operate out of "I know what I know, and there is very little for anyone to add to that". This is especially true of how we handle finances, or even how to clean a garage or even define words like "love".
In fact, we all are driven to find "compatibility", finding someone who thinks very much like we do about as much as possible. Or is it when someone "gets us". Maybe it is just that we come to believe that they get "where we are coming from". Usually these items of what I like to call 'percieved' understanding don't go far enough. Rarely, can anyone say going into marriage or in the 'getting serious' phase of a relationship..."I really like their perspective on money, it is so different than mine and I really need that type of outlook!"--said the 'I know how to handle money' person or "I enjoy their risk taking style especially about the future, they are just so comfortable with life being open ended!"--said the 'I like to have all my ducks in row' person.
It is each of us, living in our own worlds, with our set of ideas, expectations, and experiences that make communication(understanding each other, respecting each other, listening to each other) difficult. Gender difference is just one of many issues, not THE issue, like it seems to be made out to be in so many books. Why do I think this is a big deal? Because...
It wasn't gender differences that killed my 1st marriage. It was my inability to be open to what she was saying, it was my inability to ask clarifying questions to understand the meaning of what was being said, it was my pre-conceived notions of love, sex, marriage, etc... that I was not able to nor willing to let go of, or allow another person to scrutinize my ideas. And also her inability to do the same. The ability to accept that I was wrong or the ability to adjust and allow for discussion of possible new direction etc...Nor was I able to create or nurture an environment for negative feelings being expressed without it being taken personally. It was about being right, it was about defending myself, it was about my way, my feelings, my view of the world.
Being open does not come naturally, it comes by knowing that it can make a relationship a beautiful place to be and the alternative not so beautiful.
Shawn
Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach shawn@coachingthrough.com
Just about every book on communication within a marriage or relationship focuses on the differences of gender. Sometimes, these books look at other differences too but not to the same extent. It is a real 'his vs. hers" world in relationshipland. I don't mean to minimize the difference. I just think it is a bit old fashioned to just make that the "big deal". For we know that the traditional roles of males and females has blurred. It is not cookies cutter anymore, it is or should be taken as a case by case outlook, devoid of stereotypes. Now, I am not advocating androgyny or a pure egalitarian thing or even a dismissal of gender social development. What I am saying is that there is an underlying concept or characteristic in ANYONE, regardless of gender, race, economics, education, family of origin, etc... that makes the most difference in communication.
Being defensive, or closed, or always right or flat out dishonest is the killer of communication. The inability to see past your own nose, your own experience, your own perspective and allow for other input that is not yours is the key to communication. It doesn't matter what gender you are when you are not willing to listen, or respect anothers PERSPECTIVE. It's does not matter if you are a logical/linear thinker or a emotions/feelings person, because those characteristics are irrelevant if you are not willing to be open to another's view of the world. Being able to say to yourself..."I don't have all the answers to the most basic things in life", or "I need another point of view, it would be good for me". Most people don't think that way. We operate out of "I know what I know, and there is very little for anyone to add to that". This is especially true of how we handle finances, or even how to clean a garage or even define words like "love".
In fact, we all are driven to find "compatibility", finding someone who thinks very much like we do about as much as possible. Or is it when someone "gets us". Maybe it is just that we come to believe that they get "where we are coming from". Usually these items of what I like to call 'percieved' understanding don't go far enough. Rarely, can anyone say going into marriage or in the 'getting serious' phase of a relationship..."I really like their perspective on money, it is so different than mine and I really need that type of outlook!"--said the 'I know how to handle money' person or "I enjoy their risk taking style especially about the future, they are just so comfortable with life being open ended!"--said the 'I like to have all my ducks in row' person.
It is each of us, living in our own worlds, with our set of ideas, expectations, and experiences that make communication(understanding each other, respecting each other, listening to each other) difficult. Gender difference is just one of many issues, not THE issue, like it seems to be made out to be in so many books. Why do I think this is a big deal? Because...
It wasn't gender differences that killed my 1st marriage. It was my inability to be open to what she was saying, it was my inability to ask clarifying questions to understand the meaning of what was being said, it was my pre-conceived notions of love, sex, marriage, etc... that I was not able to nor willing to let go of, or allow another person to scrutinize my ideas. And also her inability to do the same. The ability to accept that I was wrong or the ability to adjust and allow for discussion of possible new direction etc...Nor was I able to create or nurture an environment for negative feelings being expressed without it being taken personally. It was about being right, it was about defending myself, it was about my way, my feelings, my view of the world.
Being open does not come naturally, it comes by knowing that it can make a relationship a beautiful place to be and the alternative not so beautiful.
Shawn
Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach shawn@coachingthrough.com
Saturday, August 13, 2011
About Attraction
A warning sign, It came back to haunt me, and I realised, That you were an island and I passed you by, And you were an island to discover--From the Song "Warning Sign" by Coldplay
I guess it depends upon who you are. Attraction, I would say is in the eye of the beholder. We all want that spark, chemistry, or magic to sweep us off our feet when we meet someone for the first time or go on that first date. For some it is one thing, for others it's another. For everyone though, we need to 'feel' something about someone. It's hard to describe, a vibe, an energy that hits you. The problem is that this feeling/vibe can be terribly misleading.
You can experience this 'attraction' with many. What I mean is that even in a short interchange you can feel something about another person. Was it real? To a point. Was it special? Only in that it happened and doesn't happen all the time. The trouble is that we attach too much meaning and hope to something so surfacy, fleeting and potentially harmful. How can it be harmful? When you pursue more contact with this person,(you know nothing about them) in order to get that "feeling". You may even start a relationship with this person because of the feeling you get. Not a great idea.
There is attraction because of how you feel and there is attraction when you get to know someone better over time. The difference is character, admirable qualities, how they act, how they treat you, things like that. They always leave you and you are still interested, you want to know more, like an island that needs to be explored. The more you see, the more you like it.
You see, one is a snap shot the other is a painting. Depth, longevity and discovery is what's in store for you, not a quickie. You are in, you are out. Like the 1st Desert Storm!
I have been totally enamoured with the quick vibe attraction only to find not much else there. When I have allowed my feelings to subside, then I could see then I could feel appropriately. I ran into this a few years back when I was single. I got reacquainted with this gal from my old church. I knew her as an engaged person. This time she was single with kids but she just mesmerized me. I was blown away by the vibe I felt when I was around her. Her energy, her sparkly eyes, the way she talked, she was overwhelmingly attractive to me. I said to myself after our chat, 'Wow!, I am sooo into her!' I called friends to tell them that I met someone that was truly exciting and I was hopeful. I was lost in infatuation, I couldn't see. After a few more contacts(we were 3 hours away from each other) I was sensing this was going nowhere and she was acting strange. It turned out to be nothing. That is what I mean, attraction is just that and you can't build a relationship off of it. It doesn't matter how strong the feeling is, time will tell and most likely it will not pan out.
I would rather meet someone interesting but not overly so, get to know them and then start the 'good vibrations' of time spent with them. It makes more sense, and it allows you to discover what's there. Like an island or a painting, not a snap shot.
Shawn
I guess it depends upon who you are. Attraction, I would say is in the eye of the beholder. We all want that spark, chemistry, or magic to sweep us off our feet when we meet someone for the first time or go on that first date. For some it is one thing, for others it's another. For everyone though, we need to 'feel' something about someone. It's hard to describe, a vibe, an energy that hits you. The problem is that this feeling/vibe can be terribly misleading.
You can experience this 'attraction' with many. What I mean is that even in a short interchange you can feel something about another person. Was it real? To a point. Was it special? Only in that it happened and doesn't happen all the time. The trouble is that we attach too much meaning and hope to something so surfacy, fleeting and potentially harmful. How can it be harmful? When you pursue more contact with this person,(you know nothing about them) in order to get that "feeling". You may even start a relationship with this person because of the feeling you get. Not a great idea.
There is attraction because of how you feel and there is attraction when you get to know someone better over time. The difference is character, admirable qualities, how they act, how they treat you, things like that. They always leave you and you are still interested, you want to know more, like an island that needs to be explored. The more you see, the more you like it.
You see, one is a snap shot the other is a painting. Depth, longevity and discovery is what's in store for you, not a quickie. You are in, you are out. Like the 1st Desert Storm!
I have been totally enamoured with the quick vibe attraction only to find not much else there. When I have allowed my feelings to subside, then I could see then I could feel appropriately. I ran into this a few years back when I was single. I got reacquainted with this gal from my old church. I knew her as an engaged person. This time she was single with kids but she just mesmerized me. I was blown away by the vibe I felt when I was around her. Her energy, her sparkly eyes, the way she talked, she was overwhelmingly attractive to me. I said to myself after our chat, 'Wow!, I am sooo into her!' I called friends to tell them that I met someone that was truly exciting and I was hopeful. I was lost in infatuation, I couldn't see. After a few more contacts(we were 3 hours away from each other) I was sensing this was going nowhere and she was acting strange. It turned out to be nothing. That is what I mean, attraction is just that and you can't build a relationship off of it. It doesn't matter how strong the feeling is, time will tell and most likely it will not pan out.
I would rather meet someone interesting but not overly so, get to know them and then start the 'good vibrations' of time spent with them. It makes more sense, and it allows you to discover what's there. Like an island or a painting, not a snap shot.
Shawn
Thursday, August 11, 2011
When Things Don't Go Your Way
"Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?"--Elaine, who just wants to be seated and eat from the episode, "The Chinese Restaurant"
Much like Elaine from this very funny episode from Seinfeld, we often wonder what is going on when things don't go our way. Obviously, it is a bigger deal than waiting to be seated at a restaurant. Just the same, we don't like it, and when thing don't go our way it throws us off, way off. It really depends on what is not working. It can be as simple as your car not starting in the morning before a long work day to finding out you don't have a job anymore. Simple, but not fun.
Within relationships, when stuff doesn't go our way, whatever the situation is, puts pressure on the relationship. What kind of pressure? Stress for one. How do we as individuals handle stress? Some eat, some drink, some escape, some get angry/snippy/crabby, some of us shut down, whatever it is, we all have ways of coping with stress but when you add another person who handles stress differently, then you have pressure. Who is going to be the cool headed one? Who is going to fly off the handle first? How and when do you talk about the situation in a problem solving way without excess emotions? Tricky stuff for sure, whether you are married or been dating a while.
My current wife and I encountered a situation a few years back. We wanted to start a family and we just moved into our fabulous 1000 sq ft home in which we purchased at the height of the housing boom. We took some cash out of retirement to put some $$ down. We asked questions about taxes etc...so we buy the house. The next year rolls around, take our info to our tax person and come find out we owe $10,000! How did this happen? Well, when we took money out, it bumped us up to the next tax bracket. For whatever reason(our ignorance) we didn't ask that question nor did our tax person mention it as a possibility. What this meant more than paying money which we didn't have, was we had to put off starting a family. When you are over 40(me) and close to 40(my wife) waiting to start a family is harder. Time is ticking, we ain't getting any younger!
When I called the tax people to get an update on the tax situation fully believing a refund was in order(I was a homeowner!) the news was devastating. No family start, and 10K in the hole. Pretty sucky. I waited until my wife got home from work to tell her. She laughed. Not because it was funny but because it was so out of left field for our plans that there was nothing left to do. I was mad. Then she got mad, and I laughed. It was quite the process. We both were grieving because we thought this would almost kill our family plans. That was our feeling and perspective in the moment.
There were possibilities for blame here but we didn't go there. We found additional work cleaning churches for a guy my wife knew. We had accepted responsibility mutually and set our minds to fixing the $$ problem. I am proud of the fact that we stuck together working the problem together not knowing the outcome. We just weren't making very much $$ on the side. My dad wanted to see me so he flew me up to Alaska where he lived. He asked me when we were having kids and I(being a proud person) was very hesitant to tell him but I told him about the tax issue and how it was holding us back from affording a child. He said, "don't worry about the $$, I'll give ya the money, just give me a grandchild". Wow! What a relief! Sure enough, Dad gave me the money to pay the IRS and we were on the way to makin' a baby!
Not like making a baby happens on your schedule. It took over a year to get pregnant with all the fears, frustrations, and disappointments that go with that. But again, things don't always go your way, and how are you going to deal with it as an individual and as a couple? Don't know?
I can help!
Talk to me, Shawn@coachingthrough.com
Much like Elaine from this very funny episode from Seinfeld, we often wonder what is going on when things don't go our way. Obviously, it is a bigger deal than waiting to be seated at a restaurant. Just the same, we don't like it, and when thing don't go our way it throws us off, way off. It really depends on what is not working. It can be as simple as your car not starting in the morning before a long work day to finding out you don't have a job anymore. Simple, but not fun.
Within relationships, when stuff doesn't go our way, whatever the situation is, puts pressure on the relationship. What kind of pressure? Stress for one. How do we as individuals handle stress? Some eat, some drink, some escape, some get angry/snippy/crabby, some of us shut down, whatever it is, we all have ways of coping with stress but when you add another person who handles stress differently, then you have pressure. Who is going to be the cool headed one? Who is going to fly off the handle first? How and when do you talk about the situation in a problem solving way without excess emotions? Tricky stuff for sure, whether you are married or been dating a while.
My current wife and I encountered a situation a few years back. We wanted to start a family and we just moved into our fabulous 1000 sq ft home in which we purchased at the height of the housing boom. We took some cash out of retirement to put some $$ down. We asked questions about taxes etc...so we buy the house. The next year rolls around, take our info to our tax person and come find out we owe $10,000! How did this happen? Well, when we took money out, it bumped us up to the next tax bracket. For whatever reason(our ignorance) we didn't ask that question nor did our tax person mention it as a possibility. What this meant more than paying money which we didn't have, was we had to put off starting a family. When you are over 40(me) and close to 40(my wife) waiting to start a family is harder. Time is ticking, we ain't getting any younger!
When I called the tax people to get an update on the tax situation fully believing a refund was in order(I was a homeowner!) the news was devastating. No family start, and 10K in the hole. Pretty sucky. I waited until my wife got home from work to tell her. She laughed. Not because it was funny but because it was so out of left field for our plans that there was nothing left to do. I was mad. Then she got mad, and I laughed. It was quite the process. We both were grieving because we thought this would almost kill our family plans. That was our feeling and perspective in the moment.
There were possibilities for blame here but we didn't go there. We found additional work cleaning churches for a guy my wife knew. We had accepted responsibility mutually and set our minds to fixing the $$ problem. I am proud of the fact that we stuck together working the problem together not knowing the outcome. We just weren't making very much $$ on the side. My dad wanted to see me so he flew me up to Alaska where he lived. He asked me when we were having kids and I(being a proud person) was very hesitant to tell him but I told him about the tax issue and how it was holding us back from affording a child. He said, "don't worry about the $$, I'll give ya the money, just give me a grandchild". Wow! What a relief! Sure enough, Dad gave me the money to pay the IRS and we were on the way to makin' a baby!
Not like making a baby happens on your schedule. It took over a year to get pregnant with all the fears, frustrations, and disappointments that go with that. But again, things don't always go your way, and how are you going to deal with it as an individual and as a couple? Don't know?
I can help!
Talk to me, Shawn@coachingthrough.com
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Fear Factor
“Whatever you fear most has no power over you. It is the fear that has the power.”--George Clooney, from the Movie, "Men Who Stare At Goats"
Fear has an interesting effect on people. For some, fear springs us into action, often wrong actions or really reaction. Fear can cause us to try too hard to connect with people we are interested in, or we sense are losing. Fear can cause us to do things we never thought we would do to the point of personal compromise and loss of self respect. For others, fear has a paralyzing effect. It keeps people from acting when they should act. Fear causes us to think too much, 'paralysis by analysis', where we have to see everything before we act. Fear keeps us from initiating conversations, going to social events where we don't know too many people, fear keeps us from sharing our hearts and being vulnerable without which a relationship of any substance is not possible.
I can remember a very specific example from my life where fear(and just feeling low) influenced by choices. I had just relocated to the Portland area with my 1st wife. I was working for a guy I knew from the Seattle area(where I grew up) doing a job I hated and was lousy at...plumbing. I was his assistant. I needed the job and quickly found that I really didn't like it at all to the point of wanting to quit. I hadn't done that without another job lined up or full time school pending. There was a lot going on inside my head and heart, a real low point personally.
One day I come to work and the guy I worked for told me that he was 'lending' me out to an associate of his to work for him because he 'owed the guy money'. Unbelievable. This 'associate' of his was not one of my favorite people. I had been around this guy before and quite frankly, one of the most profane, disgusting human beings I had ever met, so to say I was not thrilled by this new development is an understatement. I went though, because I needed the job and I was really surprised by this situation. So I come home, and tell the wife about it. Not real sympathetic. At least that is how I remember it. I mean that's what you do. Good day or bad day, you talk about your 'day'. Apparently, that didn't apply to me when it was a bad day.
You see, the problem that was brewing here is that it wasn't really about just one bad situation. I was feeling pretty bad as a whole, not feeling like a contributor, not working at a job that I remotely liked, just left a job that I thought I would be doing a long time that was a better fit, feeling isolated, no friends(my fault, I didn't cultivate or maintain them at that time), things just were not going my way. So whenever I talked about a 'bad day', it was really a bad life and bad feelings. I was not telling the whole story because I was afraid to say "I feel like a failure", "I am depressed/discouraged". Why? Because I believed that is an admission of weakness. I wasn't supposed to be weak, I am man, I am a husband, I have to have the answers, I need to lead. Vulnerability was not my strong suit, and my confidence was shaken. I felt like I was letting my wife down. That was hard to admit to.
Another problem was that I didn't feel supported by my first wife. Why? Because I think she was very concerned about money/security and the future. Why do I say "I think", why didn't I know? Because that was a conversation I didn't want to have because I was afraid that I would not measure up or hear her expectations that I felt I couldn't do. I didn't need that now. So with all that floating about, after I finished the project with the 'associate' of the guy I worked for, I quit and didn't have another job lined up. The problem was, I didn't tell my wife that I quit until after I decided and quit. Big mistake. That did some serious damage to trust, and her view of me. I did it that way because I was afraid, better to say 'I am sorry' than ask permission. Because I never would have got permission or so I thought at the time.
As a man, it is hard to say stuff, especially negative feelings like discouragement, depression and lack of confidence. If there is anything that will make you feel like less of a man it is those feelings. Fear has a way of driving things underground. The key is getting those things above ground and on the table. It is way better to be open and honest with your feelings than to pretend or hide. Even if you are convinced it won't be well received, too bad, that is not the point. You will not be able to move on from those feelings until you say them out loud to someone. The alternative is not a pretty picture, trust me, I know.
Shawn
Hey, talk to me because I can help with your relationship stuff shawn@coachingthrough.com
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Key Element of a Good Conversation
Good conversations seem to be hard to come by these days. Sure, conversations with friends and people you spend time with(acquaintances, usually co-workers) happen. And they are usually good. What I mean by good is that the conversation is not one-way or one person going on, and on about themselves. There is some give and take, back and forth, an exchange of ideas and thoughts.
I believe that if a person is interested at all in you they will find a way to ask some questions. Now I am saying this for those who are unattached. Asking questions, good questions is a way of saying "I find you interesting and I want to know more". The difference between asking questions and asking good questions is huge. Anybody can ask a set of the usual questions, 'what do you do for a living?', 'what part of Portland do you live?', 'where did you grow up?', etc...basic info questions. They are necessary openers but to ask good questions is to listen to the answers to even basic questions and ask about items in the answers. It shows that you are listening to them. Another more risky route is to ask feelings questions or opinion questions. These are harder to gauge when to ask, but if a person is really opening up and getting passionate about something that they are talking about, a feelings question would really work.
If you are currently in an established relationship or married, some of the best types of questions to ask are clarifying questions. "When you said _____ what does that mean? or Could you explain more of what you meant by ________?" They are the best because you are seeking to understand what they are saying. Like I have said before, familiar words and phrases that we use can have different meanings/feelings attached to them for each individual.
So it important to be sure of what the other person is saying before we either believe it, react to it, get mad, or be hurt by it or even before we understand them at all. Also, if you find you are the only one asking questions in the relationship, you may want find out why.
Another type of couple's questions are the scary questions. The questions you are afraid to ask because you might not like the answers. "Why didn't you call?", "Where do you see this relationship going in a year?" "Are you interested in having children?", "When do you foresee us starting a family?" "When can we talk about our budget?", "How are you feeling about us?", "What can I do to make this up to you?" and the "We need to talk about our relationship"(which isn't a question but fits). Asking these type of questions are critical to understanding, confrontation, expectation adjustment(maybe), working together, and deciding if your relationship is about to end(for non-married), needs to end(for non-married) or if your marriage/relationship needs some serious attention.
Asking people questions, whether you are meeting them, or are married to them, lets them know you are interested in them. It's hard to talk to anyone without some sort of question as a starter. Unless you are a guy and you just talk at each other and tell stories of what you do, and did. Another tip, if you are the only one asking questions, you need to stop to allow the other person the opportunity to ask. If they don't, then you know what you've got, a person who liked talking about themselves but not that interested in you or what you have to say.
Shawn
I am Relationship Coach, which means I can help you in your relationship or help you find a relationship. Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com
Monday, August 8, 2011
Finding your Confidence
"Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment."--Fred Brooks
"Experience teaches only the teachable."--Aldous Huxley
I like to think that I am teachable. I may not be the smartest(though I believe that I am fairly smart) but I really try not to repeat mistakes.
Obviously, no one can learn from just one failure in one area and be done with it. There is this word that I really like, it's called conviction. Conviction is deeper than belief, it is a sort of convincedness(I made that up myself!). Being convinced of some thing, you believe it to be an absolute, for sure, without exception sort of thing. So much so, you live by it. Your actions and what you think are one.
Conviction, I believe is formed from experience. Conviction is the confidence that what you think and feel about something is true or right. It's being sure. It's trusting your feelings at the right time about the right situation. Confidence comes with being sure of yourself in the sense of being able to figure out what you want and what you don't want/need. You learn to focus your relationships in an intentional manner, looking for the most important pieces in another person to see if they are more than "good looking", "fun", or "smart".
Transitional relationships are helpful in developing conviction through experience. What do I mean by transitional? It's the relationship(s) that gives you the sharpest sense of what you want and don't want in a life long partner(spouse). You go into the 'transitional' relationship thinking you know what you want and you come out of that relationship with conviction and knowing what you want without compromise. How? Because the very nature of a transitional relationship is one that does not meet your most basic needs of being cared for in the manner that fits best. Also, there is always problem with key values matches.
For example, from my own experience, I had a girlfriend that I thought would work out to something more permanent. My criteria for what would make for a good match was a little fuzzy. After this relationship ended, I learned a lot and it sharpened my focus on what was going to work and what wasn't. Money/finances were in issue, in that we had totally different values systems. Both were valid but they did not match at all which would have been very harmful for a marriage. Life experience/perspective was an issue too since I was a bit older, been married, lived longer, it gave me a perspective that was quite different from hers. Then there was just a basic style of living difference. She was more family oriented, I was not, she like to be busy, I don't. All that was learned from looking back.
Experience isn't the most fun way to learn, but it is very effective as long as you are open to learning. If you are repeating the same mistakes then there is something 'broken' in you that needs further attention. Seek out a professional counselor, they can help you heal.
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, I can help shawn@coachingthrough.com
"Experience teaches only the teachable."--Aldous Huxley
I like to think that I am teachable. I may not be the smartest(though I believe that I am fairly smart) but I really try not to repeat mistakes.
Obviously, no one can learn from just one failure in one area and be done with it. There is this word that I really like, it's called conviction. Conviction is deeper than belief, it is a sort of convincedness(I made that up myself!). Being convinced of some thing, you believe it to be an absolute, for sure, without exception sort of thing. So much so, you live by it. Your actions and what you think are one.
Conviction, I believe is formed from experience. Conviction is the confidence that what you think and feel about something is true or right. It's being sure. It's trusting your feelings at the right time about the right situation. Confidence comes with being sure of yourself in the sense of being able to figure out what you want and what you don't want/need. You learn to focus your relationships in an intentional manner, looking for the most important pieces in another person to see if they are more than "good looking", "fun", or "smart".
Transitional relationships are helpful in developing conviction through experience. What do I mean by transitional? It's the relationship(s) that gives you the sharpest sense of what you want and don't want in a life long partner(spouse). You go into the 'transitional' relationship thinking you know what you want and you come out of that relationship with conviction and knowing what you want without compromise. How? Because the very nature of a transitional relationship is one that does not meet your most basic needs of being cared for in the manner that fits best. Also, there is always problem with key values matches.
For example, from my own experience, I had a girlfriend that I thought would work out to something more permanent. My criteria for what would make for a good match was a little fuzzy. After this relationship ended, I learned a lot and it sharpened my focus on what was going to work and what wasn't. Money/finances were in issue, in that we had totally different values systems. Both were valid but they did not match at all which would have been very harmful for a marriage. Life experience/perspective was an issue too since I was a bit older, been married, lived longer, it gave me a perspective that was quite different from hers. Then there was just a basic style of living difference. She was more family oriented, I was not, she like to be busy, I don't. All that was learned from looking back.
Experience isn't the most fun way to learn, but it is very effective as long as you are open to learning. If you are repeating the same mistakes then there is something 'broken' in you that needs further attention. Seek out a professional counselor, they can help you heal.
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, I can help shawn@coachingthrough.com
Friday, August 5, 2011
Intimacy, it's not what you think
"You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide.”--Guy Henry from the Movie, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
One of the main reasons that my first marriage failed was because I didn't understand what intimacy was. I think the best thing I could do was come up with the word 'closeness' like a feeling of closeness. I didn't know how to make that happen or contribute to intimacy in a proactive way. I knew some things that would hurt that feeling of closeness like doing things wrong, or doing the wrong thing. Whatever brought criticism or correction in that marriage stunted my ability to feel closeness. Was she overly critical? Yes. Was I overly sensitive to correction? Yes. It takes two to tango, as they say.
The main problem I had at the time was the lack of transparency. Transparency is a big word that carries a lot of meaning. It is the ability to be open, real, vulnerable and fairly confident. I wanted to be real. I wanted to be open. I wanted or thought I was a confident person in myself, but I wasn't. Vulnerable? No so much. Defensive is more like it. I was hard on myself sometimes and would beat myself up a little. Sometimes that is necessary. The problem was I was doing that a lot. I preferred my own self-critique to the critique of others. That made it hard to listen and weigh and take in what was being said so that I could keep that which was relevant and get rid of that which wasn't true.
In that marriage, neither of us were doing the things you need to do to cultivate an environment of closeness/intimacy. Here were some missing ingredients...unified plan/purpose(where are we going?), freedom to express feelings(especially negative feelings), Values clarification(what's important to each person), needs expressed(mainly by me, I just didn't know how). As you can see, those items are key in any long term relationship. There were a lot of assumptions but little hashing it out. We were not on the same page.
When there is a plan, as a couple you have the opportunity to change the plan but also, TO WORK AS A TEAM on the plan. That will bring you closer together. When you can express feelings like frustration, anger, depression, sadness without the other person taking it personally or worse dismissing your feelings as important or valid, that will bring you closer. When as a couple you can express your heart, your passion for things you want to do(future/dream) or just be allowed to talk passionately, then that will also bring you closer together. When you can say "I need...time with you, sex, certain chores done, forgiveness, more fun, etc... and the other person hears you and comes through for you(not everytime), that will bring you closer and you will experience intimacy.
What intimacy is not...sex. Sex is the result of intimacy. If there is plenty of sex but no closeness then you have meaningless sex. You are doing sex as a biological need or as an
obligation or as an amusement not relationally. Anybody can have that kind of sex with whomever, nothing special about that. Intimacy is not...talking. Intimacy is action, proactive, specific, deep, and risky in that you have to put yourself out there. Intimacy is not...quick. It takes time and commitment to develop that kind of relationship. Often, closeness is tested by events outside your relationship like careers, in-laws, changes etc...
I hid a lot of my feelings in that first marriage for two reasons 1. it was not safe to put them out there 2. I didn't have enough confidence/courage to do it anyway. Intimacy will not happen until you relentlessly put yourself out there and invite your spouse or partner to do the same.
Shawn
I been through a lot, I know some stuff, I can help. shawn@coachingthrough.com
One of the main reasons that my first marriage failed was because I didn't understand what intimacy was. I think the best thing I could do was come up with the word 'closeness' like a feeling of closeness. I didn't know how to make that happen or contribute to intimacy in a proactive way. I knew some things that would hurt that feeling of closeness like doing things wrong, or doing the wrong thing. Whatever brought criticism or correction in that marriage stunted my ability to feel closeness. Was she overly critical? Yes. Was I overly sensitive to correction? Yes. It takes two to tango, as they say.
The main problem I had at the time was the lack of transparency. Transparency is a big word that carries a lot of meaning. It is the ability to be open, real, vulnerable and fairly confident. I wanted to be real. I wanted to be open. I wanted or thought I was a confident person in myself, but I wasn't. Vulnerable? No so much. Defensive is more like it. I was hard on myself sometimes and would beat myself up a little. Sometimes that is necessary. The problem was I was doing that a lot. I preferred my own self-critique to the critique of others. That made it hard to listen and weigh and take in what was being said so that I could keep that which was relevant and get rid of that which wasn't true.
In that marriage, neither of us were doing the things you need to do to cultivate an environment of closeness/intimacy. Here were some missing ingredients...unified plan/purpose(where are we going?), freedom to express feelings(especially negative feelings), Values clarification(what's important to each person), needs expressed(mainly by me, I just didn't know how). As you can see, those items are key in any long term relationship. There were a lot of assumptions but little hashing it out. We were not on the same page.
When there is a plan, as a couple you have the opportunity to change the plan but also, TO WORK AS A TEAM on the plan. That will bring you closer together. When you can express feelings like frustration, anger, depression, sadness without the other person taking it personally or worse dismissing your feelings as important or valid, that will bring you closer. When as a couple you can express your heart, your passion for things you want to do(future/dream) or just be allowed to talk passionately, then that will also bring you closer together. When you can say "I need...time with you, sex, certain chores done, forgiveness, more fun, etc... and the other person hears you and comes through for you(not everytime), that will bring you closer and you will experience intimacy.
What intimacy is not...sex. Sex is the result of intimacy. If there is plenty of sex but no closeness then you have meaningless sex. You are doing sex as a biological need or as an
obligation or as an amusement not relationally. Anybody can have that kind of sex with whomever, nothing special about that. Intimacy is not...talking. Intimacy is action, proactive, specific, deep, and risky in that you have to put yourself out there. Intimacy is not...quick. It takes time and commitment to develop that kind of relationship. Often, closeness is tested by events outside your relationship like careers, in-laws, changes etc...
I hid a lot of my feelings in that first marriage for two reasons 1. it was not safe to put them out there 2. I didn't have enough confidence/courage to do it anyway. Intimacy will not happen until you relentlessly put yourself out there and invite your spouse or partner to do the same.
Shawn
I been through a lot, I know some stuff, I can help. shawn@coachingthrough.com
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The Importance of Planet of the Apes
"You are right, I have always known about man. From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself."--Dr. Zaius from the original "Planet of the Apes" Movie
The whole "Planet of the Apes" story(there were 4 sequel/prequels of the 1968 original) has always captivated me. I remember watching them for the 1st time when I was around 12 years old. The 1st movie blew my mind with the Statue of Liberty ending(didn't see that coming!), and talking apes. Fantastic, or shall I say Apetastic. I used to get so frustrated watching Planet of the Apes because of the silencing of the truth by the Orangutangs (most wise a combo science/religion ape thing hierarchy). Almost all my friends had seen the movie. There was even a TV show, trading cards and models you could make of the characters(I blew up a Gorilla General with fireworks!) .
As I grew older, my enjoyment of Planet of the Apes has never seemed to wane. The remake of the original was a hoot. Better ape suits, better ape action, like how they moved and were way stronger than humans, just scarier. Funny too, like the part with Charlton Heston as a dying chimpanzee giving a speech(would not be Charlton Heston with out a speech of some sort?) on the evils of mankind and technology, mainly firearms. Are you kidding me? Charlton Heston(the original human/astronaut from the 1968 movie) dressed up like a chimp telling everyone how bad guns are! At the time of the movie, the president of the National Rifle Association! I think I was the only one in the theater laughing my fool head off. No one got it.
Now with latest installment of the Plant of the Apes, the Rise of...POTA, I am giddy with excitement. More ape action! Mostly, though it is time to get some of the fellas together and celebrate being guys. I am looking forward to a pre-movie meal(hamburgers, fries and ranch), and just being one of the guys. Being one of the guys is important for any man, especially if you are married with kids. Every once in while it fun to go back to our native ways, stupid jokes, simplistic entertainment(Gorillas, Orangutangs, and Chimps, OH MY!), sports talk, and guys talking at each other in story fashion. No deep questions here. No "feelings" questions except the 'I don't feel too good, too much ranch dressing with my fries'. No sad stories, just a shared good time. It is enough for us guys to just share an event with surfacy talk. That type of time spent can be good for men with bigger responsibilities of being husbands, fathers, employees, leaders, etc...
For single guys, it can be the opposite in that you spend plenty of time with surfacy things and events. I know I did even in my late 30's and early 40's before I was married again. That is a man's life, to play, to do stuff, to joke around and not get too deep, unless it is some problem solving thing like fixing something, building something, programming something, you know project oriented. But I digress from POTA...
I have always believed that the simpliest things are the best. Less is more and more is not worth the hassle. An event like going to a movie and a meal with the guys once in while makes it special. Being with friends is even better, the type of friends I have know for years and have gotten deep with. Planet of the Apes is an opportunity to reaffirm those relationships in a simple way. When I was 12, I never thought a movie with people dressed up like apes would come to mean so much.
Shawn
is a Relationship Coach. Contact me, I know I can help ya out! Shawn@coachingthrough.com
The whole "Planet of the Apes" story(there were 4 sequel/prequels of the 1968 original) has always captivated me. I remember watching them for the 1st time when I was around 12 years old. The 1st movie blew my mind with the Statue of Liberty ending(didn't see that coming!), and talking apes. Fantastic, or shall I say Apetastic. I used to get so frustrated watching Planet of the Apes because of the silencing of the truth by the Orangutangs (most wise a combo science/religion ape thing hierarchy). Almost all my friends had seen the movie. There was even a TV show, trading cards and models you could make of the characters(I blew up a Gorilla General with fireworks!) .
As I grew older, my enjoyment of Planet of the Apes has never seemed to wane. The remake of the original was a hoot. Better ape suits, better ape action, like how they moved and were way stronger than humans, just scarier. Funny too, like the part with Charlton Heston as a dying chimpanzee giving a speech(would not be Charlton Heston with out a speech of some sort?) on the evils of mankind and technology, mainly firearms. Are you kidding me? Charlton Heston(the original human/astronaut from the 1968 movie) dressed up like a chimp telling everyone how bad guns are! At the time of the movie, the president of the National Rifle Association! I think I was the only one in the theater laughing my fool head off. No one got it.
Now with latest installment of the Plant of the Apes, the Rise of...POTA, I am giddy with excitement. More ape action! Mostly, though it is time to get some of the fellas together and celebrate being guys. I am looking forward to a pre-movie meal(hamburgers, fries and ranch), and just being one of the guys. Being one of the guys is important for any man, especially if you are married with kids. Every once in while it fun to go back to our native ways, stupid jokes, simplistic entertainment(Gorillas, Orangutangs, and Chimps, OH MY!), sports talk, and guys talking at each other in story fashion. No deep questions here. No "feelings" questions except the 'I don't feel too good, too much ranch dressing with my fries'. No sad stories, just a shared good time. It is enough for us guys to just share an event with surfacy talk. That type of time spent can be good for men with bigger responsibilities of being husbands, fathers, employees, leaders, etc...
For single guys, it can be the opposite in that you spend plenty of time with surfacy things and events. I know I did even in my late 30's and early 40's before I was married again. That is a man's life, to play, to do stuff, to joke around and not get too deep, unless it is some problem solving thing like fixing something, building something, programming something, you know project oriented. But I digress from POTA...
I have always believed that the simpliest things are the best. Less is more and more is not worth the hassle. An event like going to a movie and a meal with the guys once in while makes it special. Being with friends is even better, the type of friends I have know for years and have gotten deep with. Planet of the Apes is an opportunity to reaffirm those relationships in a simple way. When I was 12, I never thought a movie with people dressed up like apes would come to mean so much.
Shawn
is a Relationship Coach. Contact me, I know I can help ya out! Shawn@coachingthrough.com
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
When Sex Gets in The Way
Don't you know that when you sleep with someone your body makes a promise whether you do or not.”--Cameron Diaz, from the Movie, "Vanilla Sky"
Sex in our culture(American) as I see it, is explained one of three ways...First, it is purely a biological urge/need and therefore has little or no meaning other than the meaning/value we apply to it. Second, sex is for meaningful relationships whether they be short term or long term but within the "relationship" boundary(but not the end of the world if it is a one nighter). Lastly, sex is for the marriage(the minority view as far as I can tell) relationship only. Of these views, the only common idea that applies somewhat is that you "don't cheat" on the person you are in relationship with. All sides can agree on that, usually.
I believe sex is over emphasized in our culture. I believe sex, in it's over emphasis has de-humanizing qualities. There are three aspects that are over done in our culture that de-humanize and damage relationships...1. Methodology of Sex(are you good in bed?) 2. Frequency (how many times you have sex) 3. Sex Appeal(being sexually attractive or your ability to make people want to have sex with you). These three can create lots of tension, anger, infidelity, and hurt. How?
In our culture there is an emphasis on methodology. It is about what you can do in bed. Are you boring or exciting? Can you be spontaneous or are you predictable? Do you know what you are doing or don't you? Soon sex is about the act itself and your skill set. Comparison is inevitable. Is your current partner as good as your last? Is your spouse as good as someone from your past? Your mind and body can give you away. Not into it with your current partner? Your body will not respond and your partner will know. You don't even have to say anything. Then there is the "I better come up with something new or I will lose them, because they are not interested". That is pressure to perform! Your relationship is hinging on what you can do in bed. Not communication, not being there for them, not a shared vision/mission in life, but a "what have you done for me lately" in bed! Not de-humanizing for you? Let me continue...
Frequency of sex determines whether you have a good or bad relationship. We are bombarded by this message via TV, Movies, Blogs, etc...Judgements are made on 'how many times'. Really? Any relationship counsellor will tell you that "scorekeeping" is tremendously damaging within a relationship. Our culture tells us, 'well not with sex, it's different'. No it is not. Again, people are different. Some require more sex, some not as much. Each person should learn to not have as much and the other more. Just like any other aspect of a relationship like money. The spender needs to spend less and the tightwad needs to be more flexible, it is something you talk about a lot. When pressure is put on a relationship based again on performance, one person having to live up to the expectation of another with very little ACCEPTANCE then you got a lousy relationship, sexual or not. Want more dehumanizing, ok!
Being sexy is all about attraction. Sure, what is sexy for one person isn't sexy for another but there is this crazy obession with sexy. "Being Hot" or sexy when over emphasizes plays to an individual's insecurity. Those who are considered the most attractive by our culture are some of the most insecure people. Never sexy enough. Why? Because even the most 'attractive' people know that there is always someone 'hotter' than you. So if you are putting too much emphasis on how you look to be attractive to others, you have already lost. Your value as a person ends up being about attention. How much attention can I get to feel good about myself. Or better, being a mom or dad who has to hold on to being sexually attractive to others. Sure they say they want to be attractive for each other, but once you buy into that how do you explain to your teenagers the difference between the importance of being sexy and having a active/healthy sex life with your spouse? Nothing is as dehumanizing as acting, feeling and being treated like a piece of meat.
Being human is about the whole person. Body, mind and spirit/soul. Sex is only a part of that equation. When it overwhelms the mind, spirit/soul and body of a person, then the whole thing is broken. Sex gets in the way of relating by putting emphasis on something that isn't supposed to be that important. Usually to the exclusion of a better overall relationship, one that can stand the test of time.
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, contact me if you would like shawn@coachingthrough.com
Sex in our culture(American) as I see it, is explained one of three ways...First, it is purely a biological urge/need and therefore has little or no meaning other than the meaning/value we apply to it. Second, sex is for meaningful relationships whether they be short term or long term but within the "relationship" boundary(but not the end of the world if it is a one nighter). Lastly, sex is for the marriage(the minority view as far as I can tell) relationship only. Of these views, the only common idea that applies somewhat is that you "don't cheat" on the person you are in relationship with. All sides can agree on that, usually.
I believe sex is over emphasized in our culture. I believe sex, in it's over emphasis has de-humanizing qualities. There are three aspects that are over done in our culture that de-humanize and damage relationships...1. Methodology of Sex(are you good in bed?) 2. Frequency (how many times you have sex) 3. Sex Appeal(being sexually attractive or your ability to make people want to have sex with you). These three can create lots of tension, anger, infidelity, and hurt. How?
In our culture there is an emphasis on methodology. It is about what you can do in bed. Are you boring or exciting? Can you be spontaneous or are you predictable? Do you know what you are doing or don't you? Soon sex is about the act itself and your skill set. Comparison is inevitable. Is your current partner as good as your last? Is your spouse as good as someone from your past? Your mind and body can give you away. Not into it with your current partner? Your body will not respond and your partner will know. You don't even have to say anything. Then there is the "I better come up with something new or I will lose them, because they are not interested". That is pressure to perform! Your relationship is hinging on what you can do in bed. Not communication, not being there for them, not a shared vision/mission in life, but a "what have you done for me lately" in bed! Not de-humanizing for you? Let me continue...
Frequency of sex determines whether you have a good or bad relationship. We are bombarded by this message via TV, Movies, Blogs, etc...Judgements are made on 'how many times'. Really? Any relationship counsellor will tell you that "scorekeeping" is tremendously damaging within a relationship. Our culture tells us, 'well not with sex, it's different'. No it is not. Again, people are different. Some require more sex, some not as much. Each person should learn to not have as much and the other more. Just like any other aspect of a relationship like money. The spender needs to spend less and the tightwad needs to be more flexible, it is something you talk about a lot. When pressure is put on a relationship based again on performance, one person having to live up to the expectation of another with very little ACCEPTANCE then you got a lousy relationship, sexual or not. Want more dehumanizing, ok!
Being sexy is all about attraction. Sure, what is sexy for one person isn't sexy for another but there is this crazy obession with sexy. "Being Hot" or sexy when over emphasizes plays to an individual's insecurity. Those who are considered the most attractive by our culture are some of the most insecure people. Never sexy enough. Why? Because even the most 'attractive' people know that there is always someone 'hotter' than you. So if you are putting too much emphasis on how you look to be attractive to others, you have already lost. Your value as a person ends up being about attention. How much attention can I get to feel good about myself. Or better, being a mom or dad who has to hold on to being sexually attractive to others. Sure they say they want to be attractive for each other, but once you buy into that how do you explain to your teenagers the difference between the importance of being sexy and having a active/healthy sex life with your spouse? Nothing is as dehumanizing as acting, feeling and being treated like a piece of meat.
Being human is about the whole person. Body, mind and spirit/soul. Sex is only a part of that equation. When it overwhelms the mind, spirit/soul and body of a person, then the whole thing is broken. Sex gets in the way of relating by putting emphasis on something that isn't supposed to be that important. Usually to the exclusion of a better overall relationship, one that can stand the test of time.
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, contact me if you would like shawn@coachingthrough.com
Monday, August 1, 2011
Givers and Takers
When I say 'givers and takers' I mean that generally. It is a tendency in any relationship to be either more of a giver or more of a taker. No one wants to be the taker, we all want to be or see
ourselves as the giver. And sure, everyone gives and everyone takes but as I will explain, there are patterns and tendencies we all have whether we see it or not, or want to see it or not. It is important to understand your tendency because if you are soooo convinced that you are giver you probably are not. If you are soooo convinced that you are a taker you probably are not.
How do you know if you are by nature, a taker? Here are a few clues...
* Takers have an agenda
* Takers tend to want most everything to go their way
* Takers have difficulty seeing things from another perspective other than their own
* Takers are not afraid to tell you what they want or what they like and don't like
* Takers prefer attention
* Takers don't feel guilty for things they want or say
* Takers have no problem saying no.
I am a taker by nature, but fortunately I have learned to see other's perspective and have grown in sensitivity but I can be outspoken, pushy(I like things to go my way), and I definitely have an agenda. Like I said, we all have tendencies, they don't have to rule us but awareness and being willing to listen those closest to us. Takers need direct communication, confrontation from others to slow them down so that they can think about what they are doing and saying.
How do you know that you are giver? Here are a few clues...
* Tend to feel guilty about expressing what they need or want
* Givers can be very sensitive to another's perspective
* Givers can become resentful when their giving is not returned in kind
* Givers tend not to be confrontational since there is too much risk in hurting someone
* Guilty givers give out of fear
* Givers have a hard time saying no.
Givers tend to go through a long thought process of weighing the situation and what it could mean.."I was invited to a party, but I didn't want to go, but I feel that the person who is hosting the part would be hurt/sad/disappointed if I didn't go, so I went anyway". Takers are quick to weigh any situation, "I was invited to a party, but I found something else more fun to do instead so I just didn't go, but I had a great time at the other thing". The orientation is totally different. Why go to something you don't want to be at? Why don't you just let the party host know you are not coming?
So within relationships, you can have two sensitive people deferring to the other but no one is really being 'upfront' "would it be ok with you if we went to the beach today?... Sure, if you really want to...we don't have to go if you don't want to...No, no, if you want to go I will go with you, I wouldn't want you to miss out...are you sure?...Yes(doesn't really want to go but...).
Two takers, who have competing interests..."Let's go to the beach today!...I was planning to go up to the mountains today...ok, so when were you going to tell me?...I just figured you would go because it is fun...Well, I am going to the beach because that is what I want to do...well, you can go alone because I really want to go the mountains...fine, see ya."
Most of us have been or are in or will be in a giver-taker relationship. Each with their own perspective but definitely moving in different directions. "We should go to that party...why?...because if we don't then they will feel bad...I don't care if they feel bad, I would rather go to that new movie...you don't care? they will think we are not nice!...so what, I don't really know them anyway they are YOUR friends...want you to go because they are my friends...yeah, well not this time, let's go to the movie instead, it will be more fun!"
Obviously, the above 'conversations' are a bit oversimplified, but they reflect the differences in temperament. Be aware of what and who you are, because then you can identify the sticking points. The challenge is if you are a taker, to step out of your own world to see another's perspective. The challenge for you if you are a giver is to speak your mind, more. Be open to what others may say about you, you will be better off for it.
Shawn
Want more relationship help? Talk to me shawn@coachingthrough.com
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