Marital Mayhem: Separate Lives

It is no secret that when two people get married, the differences become more obvious.  There is something about living with another person that you really see who they are, their tendencies, habits and attitudes.  Dating someone is wonderful fun because you can just go home to your world again and process.  When you are engaged, you are in planning mode, decision making mode with the focus on a very special event your wedding.  But when you are married, there is no where to go.  The other person is always around which can be good and bad at the same time.  Figuring out what is acceptable time apart, doing what with whom is also tricky.  So there are many layers to this togetherness, and living in close proximity to one another with many implications.

Over time, though, there can develop separate lives yet still be married.  If both work, if one works another stays  home, starting a business, or one is finishing school(or starting) can create two worlds.  Work, careers, schooling are all related to income and quality of life and certain expectations of what you want out of life.  There is no doubt that two worlds are formed when one of the married couples seeks their identity from what they do or earn more than developing as a team.  It is the classic case of sacrificing to "get ahead" and sacrificing to be "financially secure".  The problem with those goals is that they are so subjective and open ended that no one really knows what being secure and getting ahead looks like.  Again, usually one of the couple struggles more with this concept than the other.  Rarely, but still possible is that you have two people who feel exactly the same regarding what they do.

Another way that two worlds can be created is when one person doesn't respect what the other person does with their time either in their job or in their free time.  No one will really want to talk about their day with their spouse when the "listener" tries to problem solve or correct their spouse.  Sharing your day is really important in gaining understanding of your loved one.  How THEY felt not how you feel is the topic at the moment.  How much they share about their day says a lot too.  Details and events are important in that there is transparency and lets the other person into their world even if it is a bit mundane sometimes.  When one person doesn't care, or want to listen to the other person's day and their feelings about it then the spouse without the listening ear at home will find it somewhere else.  Whether you are staying at home with the kids, or on the road selling or meeting, it is important to be a listener not a nitpicker.  This does not mean you can't ask questions.  In fact, if no one is asking you questions, they don't care or are distracted or worse afraid to ask.

I only mention the "finding someone else" because it is human nature to be understood.  As to how far that goes from sympathetic listener to lover is another matter with many factors.  But ask yourself, how many times have you heard stories of people having affairs with people they work with or near?  They spend most of their day in close proximity with others who "get" what is going on.  If you don't take some interest in your spouse's world, there are other people they can connect with about it.  The feeling of "not being understood" says a lot about the nature of the intimacy you are experiencing at home.  Maybe it is time to take the risk an ask, "do you feel like I understand where you are coming from?" "do you feel like I am listening to you?".  Just a thought.  Mayhem is not always very obvious to spot, it creeps into relationships too.

Lastly, what we do with our free time says a lot about the nature of our marriage.  Certain hobbies take time and money and are hard to give up or not do as much.  There is a balance to find in which you are not made to feel guilty and are not neglecting your marriage.  Time spent requires lots of communication and ownership of what is going on.  Each spouse is challenged in participating in some events and activities that are not their favorite.  Each spouse is challenged to allow for the other spouse to have time away, doing what they like to do.  You don't have to understand why they like doing what they do, but as a spouse, you should be supporting those things that make them happy.  Like I said, balancing.  This requires honest, direct communication as to what each person needs.

Living Separate lives requires a slow slide into different worlds.  Unlike defensiveness or criticism which are openly evident, separation within the heart is hidden from view.  I know the separate lifestyle because I experienced it.  Talk to me I can help.  Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com

Shawn

Marital Mayhem: Cutting Criticism

Marie Barone: Who keeps pornography for twenty-nine years?
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
From the TV Show "Everybody Loves Raymond"

The tricky thing about criticism is that it can be really helpful or really damaging.  Being critical within a marriage relationship is a delicate matter.  Why?  Because people, individuals, humans, men, women are fragile people even if they act like they don't care.  In a long term(life long) relationship you will need to correct your spouse for things that they say, or don't say, things they do and don't do so that they can understand how they are coming off to you and others.  We all are a bit delusional when it comes to how we see ourselves and our behavior vs. REALITY.  Everyone experiences blindness so we all need help seeing.

My wife lets me know when I am being inappropriate with my words to others.  I like to talk and I like to joke around.  I have learned to think more before I open my mouth, I have learned to choose my words more carefully because of my wife.  I trust her take on me.  I need someone to call me on my stuff.  I especially need someone who will do it directly(so that it gets my attention) and clearly(so that I don't get defensive).  I don't always like it and have to really keep my ears open but I am trying to make that change.

What turns criticism into a attack that is cutting or wounding is when there is lots of background frustration.  This frustration in the background can arise from an number of reasons.   One is not saying anything about a certain behavior or attitude so that you don't experience conflict.  Another reason is unmet expectations that you are so thoroughly convinced that "everybody knows and understands" but your spouse doesn't.  Unresolved anger would be another reason for background frustration either because it is unspoken or because you are holding something against your spouse that is well known.  Lastly, you are frustrated because you have spelled out how you feel nicely, patiently and directly yet your spouse doesn't value what you said so you boil over with a cutting remark.

Criticism is pointing out a mistake or problem.  Marital Mayhem ensues when it is done intensely, and with a personal edge questioning of character and ability.  Keep the topic, THE topic.  If your spouse isn't listening to you and it is driving you nuts, ask them why.  Or ask them if your delivery, timing and/or expectations are an issue with them.  If you don't trust each other, then the effectiveness of your direct correction will only cause damage, withdrawal and breed more distrust.  Not being able to trust each other with our feelings kills intimacy and pretty soon one of you is looking for a "nicer" person.   Remember, not everybody gets to experience this type of relationship and it takes work to create, nurture and protect it.  Distrust leads to bad feelings, which leads to bad attitudes which lead to bad actions and words which leads to Mayhem.

I had a marriage in Mayhem so I know what it can be like.  It doesn't have to be that way, talk to me
I can help...shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Shawn

Marital Mayhem: Overflowing Anger

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.--Jesus from Luke 6:46

Ok, the quote I chose is a bit 'preachy' and there is more context to that verse.  In saying that, though, when we speak and how we say things does give away what is going within.  Let's be honest here, when things are not going well, we usually 'vent' to someone and they get to hear all the anger and frustration going on.  Hopefully, they are a sympathetic ear and friend. Sure, there are times in a person's life when things get a bit dark and gloomy and that is their outlook and therefore what you hear them saying.  I am not talking about average human behavior here.

Anger happens in marriage, big surprise, master of the obvious, I know.  You do have to find ways to express anger toward your spouse, but the problem is, we didn't have very good examples to follow.  You take two people, they get married.  Most likely, one came from a home where it was loud and expressive and the other from where it was quiet and subdued.  Already you have a person who is way too comfortable "blowing up" in any confrontation or discussion that touches them emotionally.   Meanwhile, you have another person who is shocked and amazed by such a display because that is not what they saw their parents do and figure that it is normal to hide anger.(remember, we all get stuck in what we think is "normal" to us). 

This gaping chasm of difference, all by itself can create Marital Mayhem.  When we get locked into our own preset ideas of what confrontation, anger and emotional subject matter looks like as it plays out, then that can kill communication.  The loud expressive person can't understand what they are doing wrong and find it hard to hear that they are 'way too intense and angry sounding" to the point that they are scaring the other person.  Not listening to another saying..."I don't like talking to you when you get so mad" is problematic.  That is a big clue that whatever you are trying to say is not being heard.  Also, shutting down because someone is getting "worked up" over a difficult conversation or relational subject matter because it is not being delivered to your "comfort level" makes the other person feel not heard.  Mayhem is created by choosing not to hear each other.  Intimacy is lost or damaged in the process.

There is no doubt, though that constantly losing your temper or not being able to be in a hard conversation because of your emotional outburst, kills the conversation.  What needs to be said, heard and responded to in a coherent manner so that understanding, healing and change can occur, will not happen if almost every time your anger overflows to shouting, stomping, name calling, blaming and general irrationality, then you got Mayhem.  Reacting, or overreacting is not listening.  Sure your spouse could be bringing up stuff that is totally off-base and not true but it is up to you to help them understand where you are coming from and shouting and slamming things around isn't going to get you there. 

There can be no growth of the relationship, no intimacy nor a long term hope that this marriage will last when intimacy is often damaged by an inability to listen calmly, to seek understanding, to communicate your feelings appropriately.  In order to be "intimate" you got to hear what the other person is saying and if you can't then your marriage will be Mayhem. 

Got an anger problem?  It's a problem when those WHO LOVE YOU tell you.  Listen, get help from a professional counselor. 

Shawn

Martial Mayhem: Defensiveness

"You've never felt remorse."
"I know. I feel bad about that."

- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Foundation"

I have often been regarded as someone who can make a person defensive.  I have been told that I can create a "look" on my face that makes people feel dumb.  Well, maybe not feel dumb, but a look that I can give that says "I think you are dumb".  Or I have been told that I can ask questions in a certain way that can make people uncomfortable and unsure of themselves.  I have an interrogation sort of style sometimes, or so it seems to others.  From all this, I get the impression that I have some sort of power or ability or social flaw that puts people on the defensive.  Just what are they protecting anyway?

Protecting themselves from perceived threats that's what.  Part instinctual, part learned(nature vs. nurture anybody?), we all tend to get defensive when a sensitive part of us (our insecurity, our fears, our wounds from previous experiences, our lack of confidence, etc...) is touched or poked at.  It is perfectly normal to be defensive from time to time.  Everybody is not privileged to dive into your life, your flaws, your issues, real or imagined.  It takes a certain type of relationship, hopefully filled with trust so that another may go there.

I call this series Marital Mayhem because it has to do with patterns that can exist within marriages that create trouble.  The type of trouble when unchecked can destroy relationships and marriages.  How is being overly defensive damaging?  The three areas that come to mind are a type of 'backlash' that is quite intense, angry, seemingly random.  Another is the 'I am not responsible' defensiveness that tends to throw it back in your face that you have the problem.  The third doesn't look defensive but it is very unhealthy, the 'it's all my fault' taking too much responsibility when really the person is just trying to get the other person off their back.

The backlash comes out of left field in that we can touch on some one's issue(s) without really knowing it until they freak out at you.  Then you know.  Usually though, it really wasn't anything you did, it was something(s) done well before you that has caused your spouse to be so abruptly cranky and fierce.  Your crime was that you stumbled upon it by accident but are now the recipient of the angst that really was meant for whomever hurt them.  When a person doesn't want to hear or accept that you meant them no harm or meant to cause them such pain but talk to them about an area of their life that needs addressing(we all have them), you got trouble.  If some area is so painful that they can't see that you are a friend and not a foe then over time if it does not change you have Mayhem.  Withholding trust in any one area over years of being together damages intimacy.  The you can go there, and there but not THERE does not fit with the marriage relationship.  It can be worked out over time but it is a pattern worth noting and addressing.

The throw back, as I like to call it is a counter attack.  When feeling defensive, it can help throw off your spouse by blaming them for the same thing or bringing up something else.  The whole purpose is to change the subject and to get the spot light off of you and on to them.  The person who uses the "throw back" probably struggles with taking responsibility for their actions and also has a hard time saying sorry.  When you approach your spouse with any sort of criticism or question of what they are doing or even wanting to talk to them about something you are concerned about, you get throw back.  There can be no growth of intimacy if you and your spouse are not willing to admit wrongs, seek forgiveness or taking responsibility for one's own actions.  Mayhem within your marriage is a reality.

Lastly, "it's all my fault" tactic of defensiveness seems really less defensive than it is.  A person is taking responsibility right?  Well, maybe.  Sometimes it is easier to say sorry than to disagree.  Avoiding confrontation can be done a number of ways but constantly saying your sorry can buy time.  It usually gets the other person off your back.  The problem with this "admission" is that it can be a cover for deeper resentment that is unspoken.  They aren't sorry.  They just don't know how to communicate within a conflict.  Nothing is going to change WITHIN them, only the outward behaviors and now they are managing you.  The unspoken or "stuffed down" disagreements will create much Mayhem when they and you least expect it.  Anger has a way to make a person do and think some very irrational things that they justify easily.  Anger is a intimacy killer.  Very difficult to "get close" to someone emotionally when you are mad at them all the time.

I have been there.  I am not a counsellor, but I am someone who used defensiveness to my and my 1st marriage's detriment.  I am a Relationship Coach, and I can help.  Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com.

Shawn

Time Will Tell

"A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob." - Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"

New relationships and evolving(or devolving) dating relationships need time.  Why?  They need time to bring to light the hidden things.  Not that everybody is liar or a cheat or harboring some unspoken thing, time brings to light a person's or couple's way of dealing with life.  Life happens and how we react to it says a lot about our character, point of view and values.  If you are looking for matches in how you do life with another, give it time together and you will find out.  

 If I could go back in time and read this blog(that I wrote myself to myself) it would have been to apply this method of giving any relationship more time.  The problem was that I was either too excited or too insecure or a little of both.  Intoxicated by the possibility of reciprocated feelings in someone I clearly had an interest in was sometimes too much.  Why wait when it felt so right, right?  Feeling anxious that a "good one will get away" it was time to act, you know try and close the deal because the opportunity might be lost.  Giving to a relationship going nowhere is not fun and it can really end up hurting a whole lot more than it being over at the beginning.  Trust me I know.


As time passes while you are dating someone allows for patterns to appear.  Patterns are habits, deeply ingrained that each person has that helps them navigate situations.  Job loss, death of a loved one, car breaks down, how they deal with their own family, how they deal with finances, overall direction development, career development are just some of the things that given time, will illustrate patterns.  The mistake many people make is that they "wish them away", when the patterns are unattractive or a bad fit.  Or worse, they think the person will change or can be changed.  How someone relates to their own Mother goes all the way to the bone.  It is a pattern that only changes somewhat if they end up in counselling.  

Another thing about time and pre-marriage/pre-engagement relationships is that they allow you to see just how "into you" they are.  It is important to have the certainty of "strong connection".  Too often, one person or  the other is putting way more of themselves into the relationship than the other.  What you want is a mutual giving.  Now this is a dangerous thought as it can end up in "scorekeeping" which is not good in a marriage.  I do think some scorekeeping is a wise idea in a pre-marriage relationship as a way to assess the relationship.  If you are the type to plan everything, or initiate most or all of the important conversations, or are too available then backing off and keeping your mouth shut will reveal much.  If it is real early in the relationship process and you are wondering if "this is going anywhere", wait.  Working too hard at a relationships sometimes does not allow the other person involved to act or share or speak.  Remember, everybody does not move at the same speed but there should be some movement.

Even the most shy, introverted person will "tip their hand" over time.  If they are really digging you, they will not be able to contain the feelings and the feelings will leak out.  If someone is unsure of you and the relationship, that too will come to light without a direct question.  Sure there is a time for direct questions regarding the depth and nature of relationship, but to be better equipped for that discussion, allow time to do it's thing.  If you are jumpy, anxious or too excited, remember, everybody does not see the world just like you.  Nor does their process and time frame.  Take a deep breath and don't be in a hurry, time will take care of it.

Having trouble sorting out time and your own personal anxiousness?  Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach

contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com or check out my website www.coachingthrough.com

Shawn

The Passive Single Man

Signs that the guy you may be interested in or the guy you are currently dating is a Passive Single Guy...

Talks a lot about himself, not in an arrogant manner but about all the things he does or has done
Struggles with making decisions, especially in setting up dates and outings(like going out to dinner)
Not willing to try something new(only likes to do things he is familiar with)
Too willing to try something new(probably hates it but won't say a word and just pretend to like it)
Has no close(intimate) friends
When you drop hints as to what you like, he never picks up on it(not tuned in)

Has great difficulty in sharing any depth of what he is feeling especially when it is bad feelings
Never or rarely challenges your treatment of him(more personal not schedule or event conflict)
Is a bad question asker(doesn't draw you out or asks then cuts you off) or doesn't ask a lot of questions

The last three characteristics mentioned above is a way to gauge a guy's ability to create intimacy.
Intimacy(not the sexual kind), is an elusive characteristic in most relationships.  Intimacy takes transparency, courage, responsibility, and initiative.  Creating intimacy means stepping outside yourself
and your agenda/comfort zone and focus your attention on someone.  "Learning Each Other" in a relationship takes giving, listening, sharing and time.  The key to intimacy is trust.  It is earned, practiced and developed over time.

We are not all "finished products" when we meet someone or when we get married.  There are, though, some key elements that are needed.  The Passive Single Man needs to be aware of his own challenges.  You see, the difference between a Passive Single Man and a Man is that a Man faces the challenges of lack of courage, or lack of knowledge of women.  A Man pursues that which he wants.  A Passive Single Man gets stuck in himself.  His awareness is low, his willingness to be open to change is low or non-existent.  He does not want to leave his world because it is easy and safe.  There is no way the Passive Single Man will experience relational intimacy, just a sharing of facts and events.

The Passive Single Man lives in a world of his own creation.  Technology toys capture his attention like shiny objects to toddlers.  Physical expressions like rock climbing, biking, playing sports or just being outdoors getting sweaty can take up lots of time.  Building stuff, fixing cars or whatever occupy his mind.  Creating art, playing music or mastering an instrument absorbs his energy and focus.  None of these are bad but they do get in the way of making time for relationships.

To step out of his world, is to step into the unknown.  More often than not, the Passive Single Man will try to recreate his world in the New World.  He talks about what interests him.  He looks for a woman who will do this stuff with him.   Since he doesn't feel confident or comfortable, he doesn't take risks.  He goes with what he knows which unfortunately for him, most women do not find interesting.  The New World(the one with women in it who want intimacy), can be a threat to his world so why go there anyway if I can't get to do what I like?

Making mistakes and rejection are part of learning to relate to people and most of all women.  It is all trial and error and that is ok.  If you don't try, you don't learn.  The question for the Passive Single Man is...
how bad do you want to experience love/intimacy and friendship for a lifetime?  The proof is your willingness to set aside your safe world for your chance at Love.

Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach who can help individuals and couples(married or dating) with their Relationships!  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or check out my website www.coachingthrough.com

Shawn

The Passive Man: Lives in Isolation

"A lot of times, women don't get the male perspective in regards to a relationship, what men go through when they're not really dealing well. "---Morris Chestnut

When we think of the word, Isolation, we can often think to extremes like Tom Hanks in "Castaway".  Quite literally alone, cut off, against his will from people, from those he cares about.  Yet we all know that isolation occurs quite often in families, marriages, and other social situations.  You don't have to be the Unabomber, living in some cabin somewhere to be isolated, nor stranded.  For many people, especially men, they are isolated by choice.  For others, they are isolated by a season of life or circumstances though it tends to run on and on.  Either way, neither are isolated against their will at least not for very long.

The Passive Man often lives in isolation even if he has friends, family, a spouse, and children.  How is that possible?  You can totally be in the same room observing or even somewhat participating without being all there.  How does that work?  From the previous post, you are a manager.  You manage your spouse or girlfriend in a way where there is no real intimacy just pretend because you feel like what you have to say will cause a problem.  Once you go down the path of managing, it is hard to turn it off in other situations and relationships.  It is easier to avoid possible problems(conflict) by pretending but over time it eats you up.

At the core of the Passive Man is a crisis of confidence.  Nothing drives men from social situations than previous failures.  The tension of risking rejection and wanting a intimate(not just sexual but transparent) relationship is quite real.  It doesn't even have to be a social failure it can be a professional failure(real or imagined) that can drive man into passivity.   That caused my isolation as a younger man as I felt I had failed but  could not process that with my then wife.  I could have shared that with a couple of closer guy friends but I didn't because I felt so lousy, I really didn't want to talk about it.  So I hid.  And pretended.  And managed.

Part of the trick to building more self confidence is gaining genuine affirmation from others.  Yes, men need affirmation!  Affirmation has the power to change a way a person thinks about themselves when it is delivered at the right time, about the right thing by the right person(s).  Everybody needs reassurance that they are on the right track or that they are valuable contributors, or that they are just doing something good.

There can be no affirmation if you don't try.   There can be no affirmation without risk.  There can be no affirmation without transparency.  And there can be no affirmation if you live in isolation.

Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach, I can help because I have been there!  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/.

Shawn

The Passive Man: Struggles with Being Genuine

It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.

Thomas Paine (1737-1809) English intellectual.

 "This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me" Matthew 15:8

Like I have said before, I was the Passive Man.  One of my skills was the part of not being genuine.  It served me well in potential situations I wanted to avoid like confrontation or speaking my mind when I knew or even thought it would not go over well.  Avoidance of hassle and trouble is at the core of the Passive Man and I had it.  No one likes arguments, and no one likes confrontation but these are necessary to growing a relationship, growing teamwork, and being a leader.  But we also want to be liked, loved and respected, all people do.  How we get there is another matter.  Being passive and not being genuine are not going to get you what you long for.


I am not saying that the Passive Man is a liar...exactly.  It is just that the Passive Man has a very difficult time being transparent with his feelings.  First of all, men are not raised to share negative emotions like sadness.  When was the last time a guy admitted that "I am sad" or "That makes me sad"?  Or another one like "I am scared"?  What you get is "I am mad", "I am angry" or "I am just tired".  You don't get those statements because that would require more talking, more sharing more exposure that a man is not doing very well(failing).  It also means it can open the Passive Man to critique.  You want to really hurt a guy?  Kick him when he is down.  Just when he takes the risk to open up, criticize or be unsympathetic that will shut him down and you won't have to hear that stuff anymore because he ain't going there again because it hurts too much.

When I was much younger and working in a church as a Youth Pastor, my then wife joined me in running a Summer Camp for our Church denomination.  I had done some extended weekend "camps" before but this was bigger and unfamiliar.  I applied what I knew and it didn't turn out very well.  My inexperience showed.  The circumstances would have challenged a more seasoned Youth Leader but I was way in over my head with few answers.  Because my then wife was a part of this camp(one of the counselors), she could hear the feedback.  Plus, as an inexperienced husband, I was having much difficulty balancing spouse and work relations.  So she was none too happy about it either.  So after it was over and we were at home, I opened up to her about how I felt the week went.  She, for her reasons, was unsympathetic.  More like critical and concerned that if I didn't start "doing a better job, I would get fired and then where would we be!".  I was speechless and hurt but was incapable of responding.  I was already hurting.  She had a point but the delivery and timing were unfortunate.  I decided to be more careful "expressing" myself after that. 

"Going underground" with how you really feel is a relationship killer.  Sooner or later it is going to cost you.  It did me as the years passed and this pattern of not being real hurt the relationship to the point of ending it.  Once a guy decides or never learns to "share" his negative feelings he is essentially a manager.  You manage your wife or girlfriend instead of relating, or growing intimacy(the real kind, not the sexual kind).  You manage them by going along with what they say(even if you don't like it), you go out of your way to keep things from getting to a confrontation(exhausting), you are pretending.  You are there but not really.  You don't own what is happening, and resentment, anger and sometime depression sets in.  This is where many men dive into Pornography big time as an escape, as a way to self medicate.  They are not dealing, just trying to find another way to cope.

Some men take years to do this, others cut and run within a year of a marriage or relationship.  Others hone their skills so well that you wouldn't know the difference until it blows up and blow up it will.  If you are a Passive Man, there is help.  Depending on the depth of your passivity I can surely help by listening and guiding you out.  Contact me, Shawn@coachingthrough.com. 

Shawn

The Passive Man: Has No Initiative

My observation is that women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership.
James Dobson

Many men struggle with being passive.  There are all sorts of reasons for this, and I just want to highlight a few characteristics.  How am I familiar with passivity in men?  Because I was at one time quite paralyzed with being passive.  It is not always across the board, meaning that a guy could be quite courageous and initiative oriented in a job or hobby or sport but all that comes to a screeching halt when dealing with relationships with his parents, or his siblings, girlfriend or wife and even his kids.  I held a job that required leadership and initiative that I was pretty good at doing.  The problem was when I came home and had to figure out how to deal with a marital relationship I became quite passive.

I found it nearly impossible to act with initiative because I had no vision or plan or idea of what I wanted my marriage to look like other than it being fun, easy and comfortable.  But relationships are not always fun, easy or comfortable.  I also did not have a clear feeling or idea of what the future looked like.  None of us knows the future, but it is good to make plans anyway, but I had no plan.  So when my then wife started to talk about relational issues or future issues I was at a loss.  I didn't own a vision so hers would have to do.  The problem was it takes conviction to live out a vision.  Since I was not totally on board but borrowing her vision and didn't own it, I didn't act on it.  It wasn't that important to me in the sense of at all being mine which set me up to just react to what she thought. 


Conviction is the belief in what you are doing or want to do or want to accomplish.  There can be no real personal conviction without vision which makes it hard to do anything if you are really unsure as to where you are going.  Passivity comes to life when you just settle for the now.  Leading or participating actively in a relationship has to do with sharing whatever vision you have with your spouse.  Dating relationships that are getting serious have to do with sharing and finding a match or two in your conviction/vision for your life and how you see someone sharing in that.

First things first, you have to bring something to the table yourself.  It seems easier to allow your wife/girlfriend to set the vision because, very generally speaking, women seem to have a stronger, more detailed and thought out vision of what they want their marriage to look like.  They can articulate it better.  When this happens, the vision setting by the wife/girlfriend alone, you as the man have given up ownership of what is going on.  Now you either compliantly and silently go along with the "plan" thinking that you are showing love by making her happy by letting her have her way(a trap and a lie), or you are resentful and becoming embittered because this plan ain't yours and you point that out when you can.
    

The first step in moving out of passivity is to open up the discussion of the vision of your marriage relationship.  That means you need to share your thoughts about what you think is best even if that means she won't like it.  Because without a plan or vision, there can be nothing to own as your own, and if there is no ownership, there is no action.  Too often what happens within a relationship is passed on to the woman, that stuff has to be shared MUTUALLY.  Once you say "that is her thing, this is my thing" you have lost.

The idea of initiative, that being the first one to start something, is very incompatible with being passive.  Initiative takes vision, courage, passion, and confidence.  Being passive takes waiting, reacting and inaction and just plain hoping that it goes away on it's own.   We will explore more of this in later posts.  If you are realizing that you are a passive man, I can help you find your way out, talk to me shawn@coachingthrough.com

Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...Your Schedule

"A person always makes time for that which is important...to them"--Unknown

Being productive, being busy, having a lot going on, having a full calendar or being a multi-tasker, can be addictive.  The feeling some people get at "accomplishing" many things in a given day, week or whenever can fill them up...to a point.  Sure, there are times in a year, or in life when certain things have to put on hold for some or few all-consuming events, like school, wedding prep, work, personal illness, family drama, job searches and the like.  Events and situations that come up and have to be handled that distract us from other things that we believe are not as important.  We all make choices of that which is important even if we don't believe or feel we in control of the situation we are in. 

There are people who are too busy for relationships.  They have their reasons, which can be good reasons, and they can be self-destructive reasons.  Establishing one's self in a career can be time consuming whether it is putting in extra time at work to "get ahead" or in training like school, licensing, student teaching, internships etc... But all of this is temporary, it is not meant to go on and on.  It is a season of life.  When a season becomes a lifestyle then you just might miss out on some really important stuff. Turning on the "busy switch" is easy.  Turning off the "busy switch" is a bit murky.  You know the saying, "I was climbing the ladder of success only to find that it was leaning up against the wrong wall". 

Another way we can find ourselves too busy for relationships is that we can't say no.  Especially when our family or friends keep asking things of us it makes it hard to say no because we really care and love these people.  Or even if our work keeps putting pressure on us by asking more or if we work in an competitive environment, we are afraid of saying no.  We lose perspective on what we need when we can't say no to events, helping/service or work because we all need time to process.  We lose 5, 6, 7 years and wonder hey, I need a social life!

Still another way to fill our schedule is trying to juggle too many relationships.  It seems strange, but it is true.  The guilt/obligation/resentment cycle that keeps certain "friendships" going for years when their probably not much friendship left in it.  It is also hard to let go and move on from people who move out of your life.  Through no fault of anyone, people get married, or have job opportunities or whatever that takes them out and instead of letting them go, we try to maintain a type of relationship that is distant but becomes time consuming.  Maybe you are type of person who has so many friends that there are invites galore and they are all fun so to appease your friends you do as many as you can.  Exhausting!

In our world today it is harder and harder to meet someone face to face.  It takes a lot of energy, courage, creativity and INTENTION to make that happen.  If you are interested in being married some day, the longer you let time go by being busy, the less opportunities you will have as those you are connected with get married, or move away.  I am not being an alarmist here.  After college, the pool of prospects gets smaller just because people change.  So it takes a lot of intent, you know, you gotta try probably more than you thought you would ever need to meet people.  You are not desperate, you are focused.  There is a difference.  Focus is about knowing what you want and creating opportunities to get to know people to see if they match.  Desperate will take anything and will justify any potential relationship as real and hopeful when it is not or is unhealthy.

The true test of what a person values is how they spend their time.  If they say they want a life long relationship but are not willing to "make the time" or are waiting for it to just happen, then they are not that serious.  As a Relationship Coach I can help you get focused on getting out there and potentially meeting someone you can share the rest of your life with.  Visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/ or contact me via email at shawn@coachingthrough.com for a free consultation, what do got to lose?

Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...the Fear of Failure

"You get within fifteen feet of that woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Parking Garage"

The fear of failure is common to all.  For some of us, it is motivational, we accomplish things in life because we are driven by fear.  We work hard because we fear we will lose our jobs.  We do our school work(well, some us) because we fear not getting into college which means we may not be able to earn a living.  We follow laws because we fear going to jail.  We perform in relationships so that we don't lose the relationship we are in because we are afraid of being alone.  You get the idea.  But when you are unmarried, overcoming the fear of rejection or overcoming the possibility of personal failure in attracting another person is just too much to risk.  Risk is a part of life.  Being unwilling to risk your heart in any relationship is problematic to relating and to being fulfilled.


I was trying to encourage a friend to not spend so much time at home, to encourage them to get out, make plans, be around people.  Their response was "it's safer to stay here"(at home alone).  Obviously, that was a statement of a person who was afraid to be hurt.  No one likes to be hurt.  No one likes to put their heart out there and ask, "do you like me?" only have the answer be "No".  If that is your history, I am sorry.  Maybe for you, getting past the hurt of the past is just too hard.  If you think this is you, then I suggest talking to someone, a professional counselor.  They can help you get past your past. 


For those who are ready to take a step of "faith" in placing themselves in social situations where you could possibily meet someone and cultivate a long term(marriage) relationship, then I have some ideas for ya...


Networking
At some point you need to talk to someone, preferedly a friend or two, whom you trust are sympathetic to your situation and feelings in your attempts to meet a lifelong partner.  If you can't be open to chatting with a friend, then you are stuck before you start.  Remember, this is a step of faith.  No one said it would be easy.  If you have a friend or two who are open to help you, start thinking about who they know that might be of interest to you. 


Cultivating Your Own Opportunities
If you have a few friends who are unmarried, then start planning dinners, and get togethers with them and invite other unmarried people that they may know.  If you can plan a once a month thing, and people start coming, it just adds to the possibilities of meeting someone special.  It beats sitting at home or just hanging out with the same friend or two.l


Set ups
Being open to being set up is hard.  Some will be ok and some will be bad.  Again, it really depends upon who your friends are.  If they "get you" then the set ups have hope.  If it is the well meaning friend but they put no thought into it then it can be awkward. 


Online Dating
Online dating or meeting people has lots of expectations but a lot of loopholes and misinformation.  It can be a helpful tool if you can not get too amped up over someone emailing you and learn how to sift through the misinformation.  In this day and age, it is hard to meet people, and meeting people online is becoming more "normal" and offers many possibilities.  Be careful not to believe everything you see or read.  No really!


Networking and Creating your own events are probably the least painful way to "step out".  The key is stepping out.  Are you open enough to really talk about your "methods" and previous experiences in dating and meeting people?  Another way to help you is by hiring a Relationship Coach like me.  Relationship Coaches help you focus your efforts in way that suits you.  We are the outside, 3rd party who can provide perspective, and provoke new ideas of how to go about this thing.  Check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/ and contact me.  It cost nothing to just talk at least once.  What do you have to lose?


Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...the Imaginary Audience

I was introduced to the idea of the imaginary audience when I was learning to minister to teens.  As I think we can all remember, the sometimes paralyzing feeling of being "judged" by everyone, especially our appearance.  If you go to a High School sporting event, like a basketball game, you see lone teens coming into the gym.  You will notice that they look nervous, uncomfortable in their own skin and paranoid, like everyone is watching their every move.  That is the imaginary audience, that overwhelming feeling of standing out like a sore thumb and being throroughly conviced that everyone sees you and your faults. 

As single or unmarried people it is hard not to feel this way again.  Whether you are at an event with lots of married people or worse, you are with a married couple and one other single person(looks like a set up to me), or even walking into a room(fashionably late) for an event at someone's house with lots of unmarried people, the imaginary audience returns!  It is hard not to feel that way because it is part "social skills" you know, looking appropriate, hair in place, not over dressed or under dressed, sizing up the room, etc...
Too often though, it goes too far to paralysis.  And paralysis leads to sweaty.

How?  Two key factors can turn a social, fun and relaxed event into a sweaty mess.(sweaty is feeling panicky, uncomfortable in your own skin, heart racing, armpits working over time)  The first factor is by putting too much emphasis on the event itself.  The higher the expectations, the worse the effect of the imaginary audience.  If every event with other unmarrieds is your "last chance" at love then you are defeated before you start.  Nothing makes a person more nervous than hoping for too much in a given interaction.  It makes us hyper sensitive to any comment, action or inaction instead of being relaxed and being ourselves.  It is good to be "aware" of interesting people and interactions by slowing down and just be. 

A way to help lower your expectations and hold off the sweaty is factor number two, is that when we are not spending much time in social situations, it can affect our perspective, you know, make us a little too amped up.  This is the classic guy thing.  A guy spends lots of time doing guy things with guys or being alone in his man cave.  When he gets the itch to find someone, it has probably been a long time so he goes to an event and is really nervous about it or puts too much emphasis on the event.  Why?  Because he is not used to very much just plain old normal interaction with women.  The same can be said with women, being around unmarried guys more often can lower your expectation level of what is going to happen.  So I say get out there and meet people, just to meet people.

I can remember when I was going to start going to a singles group at this Church.  I felt very weird because 1.  I had been married before, 2. I was probably one of the oldest 3.  I had not had lots of purely social interaction with women on a regular basis.  So I approached the meetings as reserved, kept to myself, allowed opportunities to come to me for a bit.  Totally not how I really am, but it was necessary at the time for me to become more comfortable.  The problem is most people stay in that "it's not me" phase and don't transition out.  Or they go nuts and are way too much of themselves.  You see, the greatest obstacle to meeting people is...YOU.  We will talk more about it in my next post.

Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, I know I can help you or one of your friends.  Email me Shawn@coachingthrough.com, lets talk!

Initiative and Response in Dating

threw you the obvious and you flew, with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same. difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed ,
and passed over, when i've looked right through
to see you oblivious and you don't see me
From the song "3 Libras" from the Group "A Perfect Circle"

I use this idea a lot because I like the idea of it.  Maybe it is my old fashioned sense of a guy stepping out to "get to know" and then "invite" a woman for an evening out or a day activity.  It seems so simple and yet it is very complicated or can get complicated real fast.  The complication is the meaning we attached to "approaches"(I also like the idea of "quotes"!) or conversations we have with people and gets us wondering if there is interest there.  This can start the emotional ball rolling and now you are a bit consumed by it.

I was never the "let's have coffee" then I ask you out.  I employed a type of initiative in which I liked to use the military term "Recon" which is short for reconnaissance which is to check out the possible target.  I called dates Ops or operations so I would do some Recon for a possible Op.  In other words, I would talk to the person of interest or take the opportunity in a larger social setting to observe a little but find a way to get myself noticed a bit.  A good question is how do they respond?  Especially in a conversation, do they laugh when you are trying to be funny?, do they respond with questions about you?  Or do they search the room desperately trying to get away from you?  Do they end the time by excusing themselves?   Or do you feel like you could talk to them a long time?  You won't know if they find you at all interesting unless you TALK TO THEM.  Not talk at them like with endless stories.  Just like the Op or date you go on telling endless stories about yourself is not a conversation nor taking an interest in someone. 

Once you have noticed interest, then invite.  The invitation of "what are you doing this weekend?" is a general question.  Invite them to something!  Have a plan, even if it is the tired dinner & a movie, invite them to that.  Keep the surprises for later because THEY DON'T KNOW YOU.  Be specific, then let them decide how they are going to respond.  You may get the "I'm busy" with nothing attached, then you know to back off.  You see, once the invite is out, you have to work through the response.  It may not be what you thought.  A yes can sound like a no, a no can sound like a yes because 1. you caught them off guard 2.  it's hard to say no when you know someone put themselves out there for you 3.  they are excited and don't know what to say.

I just cover some stuff you probably are quite well aware of except the recon-ops thing(is he like 12 years old?...the answer is yes, yes I am!).  The hard part of all this initiative-response is when you don't get the invite that you want and when you don't get the response you were hoping for.  In either case, beware!  Why?  You gotta know ahead of time what your boundaries/reason expectations are to protect yourself.  Protect yourself from whom?  From yourself.  If you don't get a lot of invites or you don't get a lot of good responses to your initiatives(invites) it opens you up to settle for anything.  It wears on a person and self doubt creeps in and now you are spending time with someone who isn't a good fit.

A few things to beware of...
Just about every woman I've talked to lately has complained about men who, even in casual social large group situations, respond to questions posed by the women with endless stories about themselves.  Unfortunately, most men are conditioned in their conversations to talk about themselves.  It's just what we do with each other.  So anyway...So these guys tend to throw an invite the woman's way, the woman goes out, hoping that he would "take more interest in me by asking a SINGLE QUESTION about her" and she gets the same story laden evening that she got in the other situation.  Very rarely will a guy be non-conversational(story telling) then suddenly be a  question-response-counter question-response guy.  Usually you will know up front.  Sure he showed you interest even in his talking and responding to your question and hanging around but is that what you want?  You have to know what works for you and that is ok.  If the guy isn't a good talker up front, I doubt he will be a good talker/communicator later.

From my own experience, I went out with this woman, had a very good time.  She called me like two days later to arrange a casual(she was doing recon!) get together.  I was very encouraged.  So I invited her to another date, she had to check her schedule and get back to me.  So I waited, and I waited and just about gave up on the whole idea because it was very clear as to when I wanted to do the outing and it was getting late.  But I listen to my Mom and Sister who at the time, really, really wanted me to be with someone(be happy) and they knew I was interested in this woman.  So I called.  Yes, I called and she said yes, let's get together.  Even though she said "she would get back to me" she didn't.  I should have stuck to my boundary and let it go because I did end up in relationship with this person, and the hesitation/uncertainty thing was what I got.  She responded to my imitative but not with the certainty of really putting herself in a lot more.  I needed a fuller hearted match like me, but that wasn't what this was.

Invites and responses, questions and answers, so basic yet filled with subtleties that experience and perspective brings.

Shawn
I have experience and perspective, talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach.  http://www.coachingthrough.com/

I Was Blind But Now I am not as Blind as Before

Mrs. Tolliver: I don't understand. You're psychic?
Patrick Jane: No, just paying attention. I used to make a good living pretending to be a psychic. I tell you this because I want you to understand there's no point hiding things from me.

From the TV show "The Mentalist"

 I guess we're all here, then: someone who wants the truth, someone who wants to be right, and us - the idiots in the middle. Cal Lightman, from the TV Show "Lie to Me"

I love those two shows, the Menalist and Lie to Me.  I know why too.  Because I want to be that guy who can figure stuff out by reading people.  Not reading their minds, but reading their intent.  Ever since I started working with young teenagers, then high schoolers then dealing with adult issues in friends and acquaitences, I saw myself as Patrick Jane would say "paying attention" to others and their patterns and words.  Sure I wanted people to think I was smart but more so that I cared about them.  If you are going to try to help people, you need to focus your attention on them. 

Another reason for my focus on reading people was because I was deceived.  Even more so, I was self-deceived.  That's the part that hurt the most.  Anyone can fool anyone sometimes.  Even Cal or Patrick.  My first marriage ended because of my self-deception.  I was blind.  I was blind as to what was really going on in her and in me.  I was afraid of asking and pursuing questions with my former spouse because the answers were not going to feel very good at all.  Certain topics were avoided because I didn't want to "have problems".  I wanted to believe that everything was good.  Which is fine to a point but it gets a little ridiculous after a while.

Avoiding "problems" is one way but to do that you have to be a bit self-focused.  What I mean is in order not to see stuff well around you and in your relationships, you have to be focused on yourself.  In fact, the more focused you are on yourself the less objective you can be.  When everything(or most things) in your mind revolve around yourself like, protecting your insecurities, avoiding fearful situations, or just dwelling your own perspective on the world, it makes it hard to break out of that to see what is really going on.  I can think of two examples one when I married, and one when I single but dating someone.

When I was married before, I was lousy at doing chores and projects around the house and yard.  Why?  Because I felt that I was not very good with tools(still true but not as big as deal) so I avoided it like the plague.  My previous wife, I believed, would have felt better about things if I would of done some things around the house.  So instead of doing a few things to make her happy, I put my insecurity ahead of her wishes.  Eventually, this bred some contempt on her part towards me because I wasn't doing some things that needed to be done.  I couldn't see what it meant to her because I was too focused on covering my lack of ability.  Was it the end of the world?  No, but it was a significant part of the broken relationship.

Later, when I was single for a few years, I started dating someone.  I was too into it from the start.  I tried not to be but my need for "doing a relationship right" outweighed reality.  She had concerns from the start, and was generally uncertain.  That was her right.  I just didn't want to see that.  I was a great boyfriend but that wasn't the point.  You relate to the person you are with, instead of trying to exorcise the ghost of the past.  So, I really worked at the relationship hard but that blinded me to what she was really saying(she was trying to be nice) that there wasn't a future for us.  Of course I took that really hard.  The relationship went way too long and I was the last to know because I was so bent on "making it work".  It just wasn't going to and that is ok.

Hindsight is always 20/20 they say.  At least I have learned a couple of things.  I know that I still don't see as well when I am sure I am right or think I am right.  I know that I don't see as well when I am getting intense and passionate about something.  Just because I feel something strongly doesn't mean I know what I am talking about.  I have learned to step outside of the "shawn show" more often to see people and what they are saying and meaning.  Like Patrick Jane, I just paying attention, to others more than me.

Shawn
I am Relationship Coach, I can help, check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Not Taking 'Yes' For an Answer

"You say yes, I say no--You say stop and I say go go go, oh no--You say goodbye and I say hello"--from the Song "Hello, Goodbye" by the Beatles from the "Magical Mystery Tour" Album

Communication is difficult almost all the time with anyone.  Sometimes it feels like that Beatles song where you are saying one thing and the other person says the opposite but you both think you are saying and meaning the same thing!  Friend to friend, co-worker to co-worker, spouse to spouse, parent to parent, it doesn't matter the relationship, communication is key. 

Now I have been known for my "Not take No for an answer".   That is the common phrase that says "I am persistent, I will get it done inspite of obstacles, I am pushy, I try to convince people to say yes, especially if I want them to".  People who know me well would say I do that from time to time.  Now I want to turn that on it's head a bit and throw out the idea that when someone says yes, to something don't take that as THE answer.  Many of you probably don't and learned this a long time ago but I am a late bloomer, so bear with me...

I was dating this woman and wanted to "confirm" the relationship as exclusive.  So I brought up the fact that I really liked her, and didn't want to see anyone else, just her.  Her response was yes she felt the same.  Two weeks later she said she was unsure of the relationship.  Now saying "yes" in that situation does not legally bind anyone to anything.  I knew that.  This is where you get so amped up to get a definition of the relationship that anything that sounds like yes is all you want to hear.  Instead of asking more questions and probing for feelings, I jumped at the yes.  Why?  Because I wanted the relationship to happen too much.  My want kept me from asking questions and then assumptions are made then I can't see.  There was indeed hesitation in her explanation of her yes, I just didn't hear it.

Sometimes when you ask your friends or family "how are you?"  They say fine, ok or good.  After you get that answer it is easy to jump to info, gossip, work stuff, etc...  Sometimes people are not good or fine but either...want you ask more specific questions or feel silly or stupid for how they are doing/feeling especially if it the same issue they always end up talking about.  I was meeting with a guy friend of mine.  He was acting uncharacteristicaly edgy, nervous, high strung.  I asked him how he was doing, and he gave me reflexive answer, ok.  His behavior didn't change, still edgy, etc...So I said, "you seem out of sorts, nervous today, why?"  That got him talking and opening up about his work and it's effect on him that day.  I didn't take "yes" as an answer because his behavior clearly said different. 

It is my belief that people want to share their thoughts and feelings but no one is asking them the question or getting past the "smoke screen" of a neutral answer of fine, ok, good.  It is also my belief that people don't like being interrogated either.  Sometimes the people in your life just are not ready to talk right now.  You have to ask yourself the question, do I want to push this or skip it?  Obviously, I believe in pushing it and if you get nothing then back off and revisit the conversation later.  That is easier to do with a spouse because they are right there.  It takes courage, persistence, and intentionality to care for those around you.  Your friends, family and significant other don't want to be drama to you so words like fine, good, and ok deserve another question.  Ask it.

Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach talk to me, shawn@coachingthrough.com

Every Man's Struggle with Negative Emotions and Feelings

"I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?"
"He's somebody."
 "What about me?"
"You're nobody."
"Why him? Why not me?"
 "He's good, you're not."
"I'm better than him."
"You're worse, much much worse."

- George and Jerry, in "The Ticket" From the TV show Seinfeld

Don't let anyone fool you.  EVERY MAN has struggles with dealing, processing and expressing negative emotions/feelings in an appropriate/healthy fashion.  I would go so far to say that you can gauge the emotional health of a man by how well this area is developed.  Now that is fairly subjective because some of us flinch anytime someone gets mad or angry(the most basic male response to bad feelings) because of our previous experiences(see: Childhood).  Not all anger is bad.  But if that is the only response you have as a man to any and all negative feelings--sadness, lonliness, fear, feeling like a failure, hurt feelings, etc...you my friend are on the road to a world of hurt in your life because that expression is incomplete.

In my early manhood, my way of dealing with bad feelings was isolation.  Isolation is a great way to not have to say anything about anything to anyone who might ask or find out that you are as "together" as you thought you were.  I remember a time after one of my first professional failures that I really withdrew, got depressed, bitter and blaming.  Why?  Because I experienced a work situation where people didn't like me and they didn't understand where I was coming from.  Not the end of the world but it felt like it at the time because I had not experienced anything quite like it before and it was overwhelming to me.  The worst thing I could do to work through this was to isolate myself and not talk about it.  You see, in a way, isolation worked as a defense for my heart.  Like a wounded animal I hid.  When you hide, you cannot process, accept, understand and move on.  A key indicator for me at that time was not spending time with friends.  I was married at the time and that was not fun either but I needed to talk to my guy friends and I chose not to. 

Another way that I dealt with negative feelings that wasn't good was self-medication.  When you are feeling bad, you find ways to make yourself feel good.  My method of choice was and still is food.  Junk food, greasy comfort food.  Why?  Because man, it is soooo good!  I am not going to lie, I have bad eating habits.  But when things are going real bad on the inside, I eat extra bad.  Alcohol was not somewhere I wanted to go because of my beliefs and that I have alcoholism in my family(which scares that crap out of me).  Drugs are similar to alcohol for me so they were out.  Sexual stuff(the most common male medication) was not an issue for me.  I fear porn addiction because I have seen what it does to men.  Strip clubs?  Like live action porn, destructive.  Any guy who tells you that porn/strip clubs and the like are a part of their life but no big deal is a fool.  Our culture pushes Manliness as drunken, sex filled conquests and experiences.  When in fact, they are self-destructive and will ruin relationships. 

Anger, violence and rage are common male responses to feelings, even sadness.  They are a mask that isn't so masking.  I know I can get real mad and it fits with my general intensity vibe.  So even if I am "venting" it can really come off as scary to people.  Anger like, self-medication can consume you.  It is a response of feeling out of control. 

What is needed is to learn to talk.  Yes I said, learn to talk.  Men need people in their lives who ask them good questions, who can affirm them and can sort through the anger, so that they can be drawn out.  Until an individual man can learn and experience the value allowing themselves to be drawn out, they will fall victim to the above mentioned methods and their outcomes.  I learned to share in counselling.  I practice it in my relationships with my current wife, and my male close friends.  I have developed the habit, I have faced the fear, because I KNOW from experience, the harm of choosing to not talk.  Men need to develop the type of male relationships with other men that go deeper, that ask very personal questions about feelings, thoughts and motives. 

As a Relationship Coach, I can help you talk.  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or visiti my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/


Shawn

Reasons Why I Believe My Current Marriage Will Last

"I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend-marriage."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"  from the TV Show Seinfeld

If you have read this blog at all, I often mention that I had been married before.  Since I am married now with an anniversary coming up, started thinking about the relationship for long, long term.  Not that I don't think about it at all but you just get caught up in the day to day, week to week existence and trying to wrangle a very active 2 year old.  I am excited about the future because it is still quite an adventure this marriage(in a great way!) because no one really knows what is going to happen and I dig that.  I love sharing my life, my journey with my wife and vice versa.  We are in it together so I thought I would share some key elements as to why I am so optimistic about the future of my marriage...

Not listed in order of importance, just as they come to mind....
1.  Raising our children(2nd one coming soon!).  The parenting endeavor is an adventure all it's own and we find that it works best if we both parent as a team.  This is our great mission, opportunity, dream whatever you want to call it to train, love, share, raise, impart values, prepare for life two people who will most likely be quite different from one another and pose various challenges.  As a team with my wife, we get to talk about some of the most important things in life, and support each other in this effort to hopefully influence our children in a healthy, positive and loving way.

2.  Laughing with and at each other.  Losing the ability to enjoy one another is a bad sign, but when you can laugh together often and laugh at each other, that is the good stuff.  Not taking  yourself too seriously is key to long lasting relationships with ANYONE much less your spouse. 

3.  Having close same gender friends.  Developing friendships where your friends can tell you "like it is" when you are being selfish and petty is huge.  I am so thankful that I have a couple of close friends who can, who will, and who have called me out on my stuff.  I really needed those type of relationships in the first marriage, I am not going to make that mistake again by not including others on what is going on in my marriage relationship.

4.  Having a plan for finances, housing, retirement, and the calendar.  If you are not talking about this stuff, these areas become breeding ground for uncertainty, resentment, and separation.  There needs to be one plan, not two especially when it comes to the monthly budget.  The budget is something we talk about often to keep each other informed of where we are at and expenditures when they happen.  The calendar and being responsible for knowing what's on it, really cuts down on "surprises" in the schedule which can cause unrealistic expectations of what is going to happen when.  Keeping these topics "on the table" generates more comfort in talking about them, so that it does not have to be a big emotional deal. 

The above reasons are not all the reasons but some that I have blogged about and believe in.  Anything to promote teamwork, taking two people and keeping them focused doing things together for the long haul.  I am excited about what will happen next.  Time will tell, it always does, but this time around I believe time will tell me..."you got something special going on here!"

Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, check out my website and contact me, I can help!  http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Entitlement or Intentional?

Life can be confusing.  Our culture bombards us with many messages some good, some not so good.  Also, we are raised with certain hopes and dreams of how life should be and how we want it to be.  This is not a bad thing, but it can cause us problems down the road when we cling too tightly to what we think the way things should be.  We can miss the unique beauty of what we have now.  We can miss the unique beauty of what is still available to us. 

When I got married the first time, I had a rather simplistic view of marriage, relationships, communication, intimacy and conflict.  I was 25 years old and an immature, 25 at that.  At the time, I was a Jr. High Director at a large church and I had aspirations of being a Youth Pastor of Jr. High and High School students.  My 1st wife was a Jr. High Ministry Volunteer.  That is how we met.  It seemed a key piece for me for any relationship that the other person had to be into Youth Ministry since that is a way different lifestyle than a "normal" job.  Then we had to love each other.  No brainer there.  We wanted a simple life but were unsure about if and when to have kids.  Since it seemed we were both unsure, that seemed to match.  As for the working aspects of marriage, I thought I was very easy going, likeable and committed so there would not be too much problem.  What's not to like?  The future and a plan?  That would take care of itself. 

I also thought that since I was nice and she was nice why wouldn't this relationship work out?  Pretty simplistic, naive, and immature I know but that is what I thought.  I expected things to work out.  I also never expected the marriage would end so horribly.  I had a sense of entitlement that since I had certain things going for me, the marriage would work.  At the beginning, there was no reason to think otherwise since divorce only happens to people with problems.  Since I didn't have problems then there was no problem.
Again, simplistic. 

Obviously, as it became clear that things were ending after 9 years (the last year barely counts), the reality versus my expectation clashed hard.  It was at this point I needed to drop the entitlement thinking(or be crazy) and start thinking intentionally for the first time in my life about me and what happened.  Going from married to single and wanting to be marriage again at some point was going to take intentionality not wishful thinking and an attitude of "I deserve it" or "I was robbed".  

Others of us can experience this same sense of entitlement.  If you are unmarried, you expected to be married by now and wonder why that has not happened.  The temptation is to become bitter toward the opposite sex, or culture or God or whomever you want to blame.  The expectation of WANTING to be married is not wrong it is the entitled thinking of "I deserve it", or "I am being robbed".  This is where being intentional would help.  How?  By seeking out social opportunities, networking with established friends, taking care of yourself(physically, and fashionably) and maybe even hiring a Relationship Coach(me).   Doing something about your situation is being intentional.

Still others of us experience the pull of entitlement when it comes to having children and raising children.  We expected to be parents of however many kids.  We expected that our kids would be well behaved.  We expected our kids to share our values.  Of course the first situation, nature has a lot to do with it.  But you can seek other medical options.  Hard as it is, you are limited in what you can do but like the unmarried person, you can do somethings and not lose sight of the wonderful spouse you have.  Raising kids is hard work.  Some parents put more work into it than others.  That is a fact.  Expecting results without a plan, a unified plan with outside help from time to time, is just foolish.  I think you know people who parent this way.  What do you intend for your kids, teens and toddlers?  Get informed and be brave.

Moving from entitled thinking to intentional living takes courage, commitment and a willingness to say that "there isn't just one way".  I can help you navigate this change in thinking, having lived with the consequences of entitlement living and thinking.  Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com.

Shawn

When it's Time to Go

"You Just slip out the back, Jack--Make a new plan, Stan--You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free"--From Paul Simon's Song "50 ways to leave your lover"

When I say it's 'time to go' or end the relationship, I only mean dating relationships, in some cases engagement and never marriage.  I am thinking here of situations and characteristics that don't change and are part of the fabric of the other person for whatever reason.  We all tend to think things will change but really in a dating relationship the "style" of interaction is only the tip of the iceberg(the idea being, there is much more below the surface).  You see, once you are married, it is extremely difficult to hide things like styles of interaction, communication or lack thereof, and ways of dealing with confrontation.  There could be parts of the person that we really like and admire yet there other things that we wish would change or could change.  This is not about finding the perfect person but someone who is consistent and transparent.

A sign that you need to end the relationship is when there are huge inconsistencies.  What do I mean by inconsistent?  Someone who runs real hot or cold in sense that they are 'into you and the relationship' one minute then not and they repeat this over and over.  When you bring it up, they look at you like you are crazy or get snippy and defensive.  (Which by the way, isn't an explanation of what is going on inside of them) or they say "I don't know" which is another type of a non-answer.  Another sign within the hot-cold is their availability.  How available are they?  Are they trying to create "space" or and above what is necessary?  You begin to hear the "I need more time with my friends" or "I need more time alone".  Not a good sign if you are really into the relationship, it's a sign that they are not.  It is a great set up though because you are left craving time with them and then they 'become available' and you jump at it.  It is at this time you need to realize that it's time to get out because they are not into you as you need them to be.

Another sign that you should end the relationship is the needy factor.  We all like to be needed, and we all need others.  It is when the other person is sooooo dependent upon you for any and all social and emotional needs.  Look for the person who doesn't spend time with friends or has few close friends.  Look for the person who doesn't do anything when they are not with you.  Do they have a life?  I mean do they have people in their lives and are they involved in some activity or hobby on a regular basis that they choose.  Choice making when there is no relationship is key to understanding the person.  What do they do with their time?  Do they work all the time? 
Do they have a history of living entirely on their own?  or with few roomates?  Or do they spend all their time with their family?(could be a sign of future issues, when it comes to marital holiday plans and such).

Lastly, another sign to get out of a relationship is when there is little or no communication.  You find that when you are together with your person, you don't talk about anything beyond the surface.  No feelings shared, no visions of the future(sharing dreams), or no values shared.  Probably because the relationship is activity driven, or sexually driven or no one is asking good questions because their afraid of possible answers that would end it.  If your person cannot tell you how they feel about you or the relationship when asked on a fairly consistent basis or you find yourself feeling very uncertain of their level of interest over a few months then get out.  It is when you ask questions and ask for meaning and ask for clarification and you get nothing or little then you know what you got?  Not much of a relationship.  Don't waste your time waiting for them to be comfortable enough to "open up".  It ain't gonna change very much.

We all need help understanding what we got in a relationship.  I can help as a Relationship Coach, help you sort out the feelings, actions and flow of your relationship. Check out my Website at http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Shawn