It is no secret that when two people get married, the differences become more obvious. There is something about living with another person that you really see who they are, their tendencies, habits and attitudes. Dating someone is wonderful fun because you can just go home to your world again and process. When you are engaged, you are in planning mode, decision making mode with the focus on a very special event your wedding. But when you are married, there is no where to go. The other person is always around which can be good and bad at the same time. Figuring out what is acceptable time apart, doing what with whom is also tricky. So there are many layers to this togetherness, and living in close proximity to one another with many implications.
Over time, though, there can develop separate lives yet still be married. If both work, if one works another stays home, starting a business, or one is finishing school(or starting) can create two worlds. Work, careers, schooling are all related to income and quality of life and certain expectations of what you want out of life. There is no doubt that two worlds are formed when one of the married couples seeks their identity from what they do or earn more than developing as a team. It is the classic case of sacrificing to "get ahead" and sacrificing to be "financially secure". The problem with those goals is that they are so subjective and open ended that no one really knows what being secure and getting ahead looks like. Again, usually one of the couple struggles more with this concept than the other. Rarely, but still possible is that you have two people who feel exactly the same regarding what they do.
Another way that two worlds can be created is when one person doesn't respect what the other person does with their time either in their job or in their free time. No one will really want to talk about their day with their spouse when the "listener" tries to problem solve or correct their spouse. Sharing your day is really important in gaining understanding of your loved one. How THEY felt not how you feel is the topic at the moment. How much they share about their day says a lot too. Details and events are important in that there is transparency and lets the other person into their world even if it is a bit mundane sometimes. When one person doesn't care, or want to listen to the other person's day and their feelings about it then the spouse without the listening ear at home will find it somewhere else. Whether you are staying at home with the kids, or on the road selling or meeting, it is important to be a listener not a nitpicker. This does not mean you can't ask questions. In fact, if no one is asking you questions, they don't care or are distracted or worse afraid to ask.
I only mention the "finding someone else" because it is human nature to be understood. As to how far that goes from sympathetic listener to lover is another matter with many factors. But ask yourself, how many times have you heard stories of people having affairs with people they work with or near? They spend most of their day in close proximity with others who "get" what is going on. If you don't take some interest in your spouse's world, there are other people they can connect with about it. The feeling of "not being understood" says a lot about the nature of the intimacy you are experiencing at home. Maybe it is time to take the risk an ask, "do you feel like I understand where you are coming from?" "do you feel like I am listening to you?". Just a thought. Mayhem is not always very obvious to spot, it creeps into relationships too.
Lastly, what we do with our free time says a lot about the nature of our marriage. Certain hobbies take time and money and are hard to give up or not do as much. There is a balance to find in which you are not made to feel guilty and are not neglecting your marriage. Time spent requires lots of communication and ownership of what is going on. Each spouse is challenged in participating in some events and activities that are not their favorite. Each spouse is challenged to allow for the other spouse to have time away, doing what they like to do. You don't have to understand why they like doing what they do, but as a spouse, you should be supporting those things that make them happy. Like I said, balancing. This requires honest, direct communication as to what each person needs.
Living Separate lives requires a slow slide into different worlds. Unlike defensiveness or criticism which are openly evident, separation within the heart is hidden from view. I know the separate lifestyle because I experienced it. Talk to me I can help. Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com
Shawn
No comments:
Post a Comment