Every Man's Struggle with Negative Emotions and Feelings

"I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?"
"He's somebody."
 "What about me?"
"You're nobody."
"Why him? Why not me?"
 "He's good, you're not."
"I'm better than him."
"You're worse, much much worse."

- George and Jerry, in "The Ticket" From the TV show Seinfeld

Don't let anyone fool you.  EVERY MAN has struggles with dealing, processing and expressing negative emotions/feelings in an appropriate/healthy fashion.  I would go so far to say that you can gauge the emotional health of a man by how well this area is developed.  Now that is fairly subjective because some of us flinch anytime someone gets mad or angry(the most basic male response to bad feelings) because of our previous experiences(see: Childhood).  Not all anger is bad.  But if that is the only response you have as a man to any and all negative feelings--sadness, lonliness, fear, feeling like a failure, hurt feelings, etc...you my friend are on the road to a world of hurt in your life because that expression is incomplete.

In my early manhood, my way of dealing with bad feelings was isolation.  Isolation is a great way to not have to say anything about anything to anyone who might ask or find out that you are as "together" as you thought you were.  I remember a time after one of my first professional failures that I really withdrew, got depressed, bitter and blaming.  Why?  Because I experienced a work situation where people didn't like me and they didn't understand where I was coming from.  Not the end of the world but it felt like it at the time because I had not experienced anything quite like it before and it was overwhelming to me.  The worst thing I could do to work through this was to isolate myself and not talk about it.  You see, in a way, isolation worked as a defense for my heart.  Like a wounded animal I hid.  When you hide, you cannot process, accept, understand and move on.  A key indicator for me at that time was not spending time with friends.  I was married at the time and that was not fun either but I needed to talk to my guy friends and I chose not to. 

Another way that I dealt with negative feelings that wasn't good was self-medication.  When you are feeling bad, you find ways to make yourself feel good.  My method of choice was and still is food.  Junk food, greasy comfort food.  Why?  Because man, it is soooo good!  I am not going to lie, I have bad eating habits.  But when things are going real bad on the inside, I eat extra bad.  Alcohol was not somewhere I wanted to go because of my beliefs and that I have alcoholism in my family(which scares that crap out of me).  Drugs are similar to alcohol for me so they were out.  Sexual stuff(the most common male medication) was not an issue for me.  I fear porn addiction because I have seen what it does to men.  Strip clubs?  Like live action porn, destructive.  Any guy who tells you that porn/strip clubs and the like are a part of their life but no big deal is a fool.  Our culture pushes Manliness as drunken, sex filled conquests and experiences.  When in fact, they are self-destructive and will ruin relationships. 

Anger, violence and rage are common male responses to feelings, even sadness.  They are a mask that isn't so masking.  I know I can get real mad and it fits with my general intensity vibe.  So even if I am "venting" it can really come off as scary to people.  Anger like, self-medication can consume you.  It is a response of feeling out of control. 

What is needed is to learn to talk.  Yes I said, learn to talk.  Men need people in their lives who ask them good questions, who can affirm them and can sort through the anger, so that they can be drawn out.  Until an individual man can learn and experience the value allowing themselves to be drawn out, they will fall victim to the above mentioned methods and their outcomes.  I learned to share in counselling.  I practice it in my relationships with my current wife, and my male close friends.  I have developed the habit, I have faced the fear, because I KNOW from experience, the harm of choosing to not talk.  Men need to develop the type of male relationships with other men that go deeper, that ask very personal questions about feelings, thoughts and motives. 

As a Relationship Coach, I can help you talk.  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or visiti my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/


Shawn