For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.--Jesus from Luke 6:46
Ok, the quote I chose is a bit 'preachy' and there is more context to that verse. In saying that, though, when we speak and how we say things does give away what is going within. Let's be honest here, when things are not going well, we usually 'vent' to someone and they get to hear all the anger and frustration going on. Hopefully, they are a sympathetic ear and friend. Sure, there are times in a person's life when things get a bit dark and gloomy and that is their outlook and therefore what you hear them saying. I am not talking about average human behavior here.
Anger happens in marriage, big surprise, master of the obvious, I know. You do have to find ways to express anger toward your spouse, but the problem is, we didn't have very good examples to follow. You take two people, they get married. Most likely, one came from a home where it was loud and expressive and the other from where it was quiet and subdued. Already you have a person who is way too comfortable "blowing up" in any confrontation or discussion that touches them emotionally. Meanwhile, you have another person who is shocked and amazed by such a display because that is not what they saw their parents do and figure that it is normal to hide anger.(remember, we all get stuck in what we think is "normal" to us).
This gaping chasm of difference, all by itself can create Marital Mayhem. When we get locked into our own preset ideas of what confrontation, anger and emotional subject matter looks like as it plays out, then that can kill communication. The loud expressive person can't understand what they are doing wrong and find it hard to hear that they are 'way too intense and angry sounding" to the point that they are scaring the other person. Not listening to another saying..."I don't like talking to you when you get so mad" is problematic. That is a big clue that whatever you are trying to say is not being heard. Also, shutting down because someone is getting "worked up" over a difficult conversation or relational subject matter because it is not being delivered to your "comfort level" makes the other person feel not heard. Mayhem is created by choosing not to hear each other. Intimacy is lost or damaged in the process.
There is no doubt, though that constantly losing your temper or not being able to be in a hard conversation because of your emotional outburst, kills the conversation. What needs to be said, heard and responded to in a coherent manner so that understanding, healing and change can occur, will not happen if almost every time your anger overflows to shouting, stomping, name calling, blaming and general irrationality, then you got Mayhem. Reacting, or overreacting is not listening. Sure your spouse could be bringing up stuff that is totally off-base and not true but it is up to you to help them understand where you are coming from and shouting and slamming things around isn't going to get you there.
There can be no growth of the relationship, no intimacy nor a long term hope that this marriage will last when intimacy is often damaged by an inability to listen calmly, to seek understanding, to communicate your feelings appropriately. In order to be "intimate" you got to hear what the other person is saying and if you can't then your marriage will be Mayhem.
Got an anger problem? It's a problem when those WHO LOVE YOU tell you. Listen, get help from a professional counselor.
Shawn
No comments:
Post a Comment