When it's Time to Go

"You Just slip out the back, Jack--Make a new plan, Stan--You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free"--From Paul Simon's Song "50 ways to leave your lover"

When I say it's 'time to go' or end the relationship, I only mean dating relationships, in some cases engagement and never marriage.  I am thinking here of situations and characteristics that don't change and are part of the fabric of the other person for whatever reason.  We all tend to think things will change but really in a dating relationship the "style" of interaction is only the tip of the iceberg(the idea being, there is much more below the surface).  You see, once you are married, it is extremely difficult to hide things like styles of interaction, communication or lack thereof, and ways of dealing with confrontation.  There could be parts of the person that we really like and admire yet there other things that we wish would change or could change.  This is not about finding the perfect person but someone who is consistent and transparent.

A sign that you need to end the relationship is when there are huge inconsistencies.  What do I mean by inconsistent?  Someone who runs real hot or cold in sense that they are 'into you and the relationship' one minute then not and they repeat this over and over.  When you bring it up, they look at you like you are crazy or get snippy and defensive.  (Which by the way, isn't an explanation of what is going on inside of them) or they say "I don't know" which is another type of a non-answer.  Another sign within the hot-cold is their availability.  How available are they?  Are they trying to create "space" or and above what is necessary?  You begin to hear the "I need more time with my friends" or "I need more time alone".  Not a good sign if you are really into the relationship, it's a sign that they are not.  It is a great set up though because you are left craving time with them and then they 'become available' and you jump at it.  It is at this time you need to realize that it's time to get out because they are not into you as you need them to be.

Another sign that you should end the relationship is the needy factor.  We all like to be needed, and we all need others.  It is when the other person is sooooo dependent upon you for any and all social and emotional needs.  Look for the person who doesn't spend time with friends or has few close friends.  Look for the person who doesn't do anything when they are not with you.  Do they have a life?  I mean do they have people in their lives and are they involved in some activity or hobby on a regular basis that they choose.  Choice making when there is no relationship is key to understanding the person.  What do they do with their time?  Do they work all the time? 
Do they have a history of living entirely on their own?  or with few roomates?  Or do they spend all their time with their family?(could be a sign of future issues, when it comes to marital holiday plans and such).

Lastly, another sign to get out of a relationship is when there is little or no communication.  You find that when you are together with your person, you don't talk about anything beyond the surface.  No feelings shared, no visions of the future(sharing dreams), or no values shared.  Probably because the relationship is activity driven, or sexually driven or no one is asking good questions because their afraid of possible answers that would end it.  If your person cannot tell you how they feel about you or the relationship when asked on a fairly consistent basis or you find yourself feeling very uncertain of their level of interest over a few months then get out.  It is when you ask questions and ask for meaning and ask for clarification and you get nothing or little then you know what you got?  Not much of a relationship.  Don't waste your time waiting for them to be comfortable enough to "open up".  It ain't gonna change very much.

We all need help understanding what we got in a relationship.  I can help as a Relationship Coach, help you sort out the feelings, actions and flow of your relationship. Check out my Website at http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Shawn