Life can be confusing. Our culture bombards us with many messages some good, some not so good. Also, we are raised with certain hopes and dreams of how life should be and how we want it to be. This is not a bad thing, but it can cause us problems down the road when we cling too tightly to what we think the way things should be. We can miss the unique beauty of what we have now. We can miss the unique beauty of what is still available to us.
When I got married the first time, I had a rather simplistic view of marriage, relationships, communication, intimacy and conflict. I was 25 years old and an immature, 25 at that. At the time, I was a Jr. High Director at a large church and I had aspirations of being a Youth Pastor of Jr. High and High School students. My 1st wife was a Jr. High Ministry Volunteer. That is how we met. It seemed a key piece for me for any relationship that the other person had to be into Youth Ministry since that is a way different lifestyle than a "normal" job. Then we had to love each other. No brainer there. We wanted a simple life but were unsure about if and when to have kids. Since it seemed we were both unsure, that seemed to match. As for the working aspects of marriage, I thought I was very easy going, likeable and committed so there would not be too much problem. What's not to like? The future and a plan? That would take care of itself.
I also thought that since I was nice and she was nice why wouldn't this relationship work out? Pretty simplistic, naive, and immature I know but that is what I thought. I expected things to work out. I also never expected the marriage would end so horribly. I had a sense of entitlement that since I had certain things going for me, the marriage would work. At the beginning, there was no reason to think otherwise since divorce only happens to people with problems. Since I didn't have problems then there was no problem.
Again, simplistic.
Obviously, as it became clear that things were ending after 9 years (the last year barely counts), the reality versus my expectation clashed hard. It was at this point I needed to drop the entitlement thinking(or be crazy) and start thinking intentionally for the first time in my life about me and what happened. Going from married to single and wanting to be marriage again at some point was going to take intentionality not wishful thinking and an attitude of "I deserve it" or "I was robbed".
Others of us can experience this same sense of entitlement. If you are unmarried, you expected to be married by now and wonder why that has not happened. The temptation is to become bitter toward the opposite sex, or culture or God or whomever you want to blame. The expectation of WANTING to be married is not wrong it is the entitled thinking of "I deserve it", or "I am being robbed". This is where being intentional would help. How? By seeking out social opportunities, networking with established friends, taking care of yourself(physically, and fashionably) and maybe even hiring a Relationship Coach(me). Doing something about your situation is being intentional.
Still others of us experience the pull of entitlement when it comes to having children and raising children. We expected to be parents of however many kids. We expected that our kids would be well behaved. We expected our kids to share our values. Of course the first situation, nature has a lot to do with it. But you can seek other medical options. Hard as it is, you are limited in what you can do but like the unmarried person, you can do somethings and not lose sight of the wonderful spouse you have. Raising kids is hard work. Some parents put more work into it than others. That is a fact. Expecting results without a plan, a unified plan with outside help from time to time, is just foolish. I think you know people who parent this way. What do you intend for your kids, teens and toddlers? Get informed and be brave.
Moving from entitled thinking to intentional living takes courage, commitment and a willingness to say that "there isn't just one way". I can help you navigate this change in thinking, having lived with the consequences of entitlement living and thinking. Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com.
Shawn
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