Mrs. Tolliver: I don't understand. You're psychic?
Patrick Jane: No, just paying attention. I used to make a good living pretending to be a psychic. I tell you this because I want you to understand there's no point hiding things from me.
Patrick Jane: No, just paying attention. I used to make a good living pretending to be a psychic. I tell you this because I want you to understand there's no point hiding things from me.
From the TV show "The Mentalist"
I guess we're all here, then: someone who wants the truth, someone who wants to be right, and us - the idiots in the middle. Cal Lightman, from the TV Show "Lie to Me"
I love those two shows, the Menalist and Lie to Me. I know why too. Because I want to be that guy who can figure stuff out by reading people. Not reading their minds, but reading their intent. Ever since I started working with young teenagers, then high schoolers then dealing with adult issues in friends and acquaitences, I saw myself as Patrick Jane would say "paying attention" to others and their patterns and words. Sure I wanted people to think I was smart but more so that I cared about them. If you are going to try to help people, you need to focus your attention on them.
Another reason for my focus on reading people was because I was deceived. Even more so, I was self-deceived. That's the part that hurt the most. Anyone can fool anyone sometimes. Even Cal or Patrick. My first marriage ended because of my self-deception. I was blind. I was blind as to what was really going on in her and in me. I was afraid of asking and pursuing questions with my former spouse because the answers were not going to feel very good at all. Certain topics were avoided because I didn't want to "have problems". I wanted to believe that everything was good. Which is fine to a point but it gets a little ridiculous after a while.
Avoiding "problems" is one way but to do that you have to be a bit self-focused. What I mean is in order not to see stuff well around you and in your relationships, you have to be focused on yourself. In fact, the more focused you are on yourself the less objective you can be. When everything(or most things) in your mind revolve around yourself like, protecting your insecurities, avoiding fearful situations, or just dwelling your own perspective on the world, it makes it hard to break out of that to see what is really going on. I can think of two examples one when I married, and one when I single but dating someone.
When I was married before, I was lousy at doing chores and projects around the house and yard. Why? Because I felt that I was not very good with tools(still true but not as big as deal) so I avoided it like the plague. My previous wife, I believed, would have felt better about things if I would of done some things around the house. So instead of doing a few things to make her happy, I put my insecurity ahead of her wishes. Eventually, this bred some contempt on her part towards me because I wasn't doing some things that needed to be done. I couldn't see what it meant to her because I was too focused on covering my lack of ability. Was it the end of the world? No, but it was a significant part of the broken relationship.
Later, when I was single for a few years, I started dating someone. I was too into it from the start. I tried not to be but my need for "doing a relationship right" outweighed reality. She had concerns from the start, and was generally uncertain. That was her right. I just didn't want to see that. I was a great boyfriend but that wasn't the point. You relate to the person you are with, instead of trying to exorcise the ghost of the past. So, I really worked at the relationship hard but that blinded me to what she was really saying(she was trying to be nice) that there wasn't a future for us. Of course I took that really hard. The relationship went way too long and I was the last to know because I was so bent on "making it work". It just wasn't going to and that is ok.
Hindsight is always 20/20 they say. At least I have learned a couple of things. I know that I still don't see as well when I am sure I am right or think I am right. I know that I don't see as well when I am getting intense and passionate about something. Just because I feel something strongly doesn't mean I know what I am talking about. I have learned to step outside of the "shawn show" more often to see people and what they are saying and meaning. Like Patrick Jane, I just paying attention, to others more than me.
Shawn
I am Relationship Coach, I can help, check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/
Avoiding "problems" is one way but to do that you have to be a bit self-focused. What I mean is in order not to see stuff well around you and in your relationships, you have to be focused on yourself. In fact, the more focused you are on yourself the less objective you can be. When everything(or most things) in your mind revolve around yourself like, protecting your insecurities, avoiding fearful situations, or just dwelling your own perspective on the world, it makes it hard to break out of that to see what is really going on. I can think of two examples one when I married, and one when I single but dating someone.
When I was married before, I was lousy at doing chores and projects around the house and yard. Why? Because I felt that I was not very good with tools(still true but not as big as deal) so I avoided it like the plague. My previous wife, I believed, would have felt better about things if I would of done some things around the house. So instead of doing a few things to make her happy, I put my insecurity ahead of her wishes. Eventually, this bred some contempt on her part towards me because I wasn't doing some things that needed to be done. I couldn't see what it meant to her because I was too focused on covering my lack of ability. Was it the end of the world? No, but it was a significant part of the broken relationship.
Later, when I was single for a few years, I started dating someone. I was too into it from the start. I tried not to be but my need for "doing a relationship right" outweighed reality. She had concerns from the start, and was generally uncertain. That was her right. I just didn't want to see that. I was a great boyfriend but that wasn't the point. You relate to the person you are with, instead of trying to exorcise the ghost of the past. So, I really worked at the relationship hard but that blinded me to what she was really saying(she was trying to be nice) that there wasn't a future for us. Of course I took that really hard. The relationship went way too long and I was the last to know because I was so bent on "making it work". It just wasn't going to and that is ok.
Hindsight is always 20/20 they say. At least I have learned a couple of things. I know that I still don't see as well when I am sure I am right or think I am right. I know that I don't see as well when I am getting intense and passionate about something. Just because I feel something strongly doesn't mean I know what I am talking about. I have learned to step outside of the "shawn show" more often to see people and what they are saying and meaning. Like Patrick Jane, I just paying attention, to others more than me.
Shawn
I am Relationship Coach, I can help, check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment