New relationships and evolving(or devolving) dating relationships need time. Why? They need time to bring to light the hidden things. Not that everybody is liar or a cheat or harboring some unspoken thing, time brings to light a person's or couple's way of dealing with life. Life happens and how we react to it says a lot about our character, point of view and values. If you are looking for matches in how you do life with another, give it time together and you will find out.
If I could go back in time and read this blog(that I wrote myself to myself) it would have been to apply this method of giving any relationship more time. The problem was that I was either too excited or too insecure or a little of both. Intoxicated by the possibility of reciprocated feelings in someone I clearly had an interest in was sometimes too much. Why wait when it felt so right, right? Feeling anxious that a "good one will get away" it was time to act, you know try and close the deal because the opportunity might be lost. Giving to a relationship going nowhere is not fun and it can really end up hurting a whole lot more than it being over at the beginning. Trust me I know.
As time passes while you are dating someone allows for patterns to appear. Patterns are habits, deeply ingrained that each person has that helps them navigate situations. Job loss, death of a loved one, car breaks down, how they deal with their own family, how they deal with finances, overall direction development, career development are just some of the things that given time, will illustrate patterns. The mistake many people make is that they "wish them away", when the patterns are unattractive or a bad fit. Or worse, they think the person will change or can be changed. How someone relates to their own Mother goes all the way to the bone. It is a pattern that only changes somewhat if they end up in counselling.
Another thing about time and pre-marriage/pre-engagement relationships is that they allow you to see just how "into you" they are. It is important to have the certainty of "strong connection". Too often, one person or the other is putting way more of themselves into the relationship than the other. What you want is a mutual giving. Now this is a dangerous thought as it can end up in "scorekeeping" which is not good in a marriage. I do think some scorekeeping is a wise idea in a pre-marriage relationship as a way to assess the relationship. If you are the type to plan everything, or initiate most or all of the important conversations, or are too available then backing off and keeping your mouth shut will reveal much. If it is real early in the relationship process and you are wondering if "this is going anywhere", wait. Working too hard at a relationships sometimes does not allow the other person involved to act or share or speak. Remember, everybody does not move at the same speed but there should be some movement.
Even the most shy, introverted person will "tip their hand" over time. If they are really digging you, they will not be able to contain the feelings and the feelings will leak out. If someone is unsure of you and the relationship, that too will come to light without a direct question. Sure there is a time for direct questions regarding the depth and nature of relationship, but to be better equipped for that discussion, allow time to do it's thing. If you are jumpy, anxious or too excited, remember, everybody does not see the world just like you. Nor does their process and time frame. Take a deep breath and don't be in a hurry, time will take care of it.
Having trouble sorting out time and your own personal anxiousness? Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach
contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com or check out my website www.coachingthrough.com
Shawn
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