threw you the obvious and you flew, with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same. difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed ,
and passed over, when i've looked right through
to see you oblivious and you don't see me
From the song "3 Libras" from the Group "A Perfect Circle"
I use this idea a lot because I like the idea of it. Maybe it is my old fashioned sense of a guy stepping out to "get to know" and then "invite" a woman for an evening out or a day activity. It seems so simple and yet it is very complicated or can get complicated real fast. The complication is the meaning we attached to "approaches"(I also like the idea of "quotes"!) or conversations we have with people and gets us wondering if there is interest there. This can start the emotional ball rolling and now you are a bit consumed by it.
I was never the "let's have coffee" then I ask you out. I employed a type of initiative in which I liked to use the military term "Recon" which is short for reconnaissance which is to check out the possible target. I called dates Ops or operations so I would do some Recon for a possible Op. In other words, I would talk to the person of interest or take the opportunity in a larger social setting to observe a little but find a way to get myself noticed a bit. A good question is how do they respond? Especially in a conversation, do they laugh when you are trying to be funny?, do they respond with questions about you? Or do they search the room desperately trying to get away from you? Do they end the time by excusing themselves? Or do you feel like you could talk to them a long time? You won't know if they find you at all interesting unless you TALK TO THEM. Not talk at them like with endless stories. Just like the Op or date you go on telling endless stories about yourself is not a conversation nor taking an interest in someone.
Once you have noticed interest, then invite. The invitation of "what are you doing this weekend?" is a general question. Invite them to something! Have a plan, even if it is the tired dinner & a movie, invite them to that. Keep the surprises for later because THEY DON'T KNOW YOU. Be specific, then let them decide how they are going to respond. You may get the "I'm busy" with nothing attached, then you know to back off. You see, once the invite is out, you have to work through the response. It may not be what you thought. A yes can sound like a no, a no can sound like a yes because 1. you caught them off guard 2. it's hard to say no when you know someone put themselves out there for you 3. they are excited and don't know what to say.
I just cover some stuff you probably are quite well aware of except the recon-ops thing(is he like 12 years old?...the answer is yes, yes I am!). The hard part of all this initiative-response is when you don't get the invite that you want and when you don't get the response you were hoping for. In either case, beware! Why? You gotta know ahead of time what your boundaries/reason expectations are to protect yourself. Protect yourself from whom? From yourself. If you don't get a lot of invites or you don't get a lot of good responses to your initiatives(invites) it opens you up to settle for anything. It wears on a person and self doubt creeps in and now you are spending time with someone who isn't a good fit.
A few things to beware of...
Just about every woman I've talked to lately has complained about men who, even in casual social large group situations, respond to questions posed by the women with endless stories about themselves. Unfortunately, most men are conditioned in their conversations to talk about themselves. It's just what we do with each other. So anyway...So these guys tend to throw an invite the woman's way, the woman goes out, hoping that he would "take more interest in me by asking a SINGLE QUESTION about her" and she gets the same story laden evening that she got in the other situation. Very rarely will a guy be non-conversational(story telling) then suddenly be a question-response-counter question-response guy. Usually you will know up front. Sure he showed you interest even in his talking and responding to your question and hanging around but is that what you want? You have to know what works for you and that is ok. If the guy isn't a good talker up front, I doubt he will be a good talker/communicator later.
From my own experience, I went out with this woman, had a very good time. She called me like two days later to arrange a casual(she was doing recon!) get together. I was very encouraged. So I invited her to another date, she had to check her schedule and get back to me. So I waited, and I waited and just about gave up on the whole idea because it was very clear as to when I wanted to do the outing and it was getting late. But I listen to my Mom and Sister who at the time, really, really wanted me to be with someone(be happy) and they knew I was interested in this woman. So I called. Yes, I called and she said yes, let's get together. Even though she said "she would get back to me" she didn't. I should have stuck to my boundary and let it go because I did end up in relationship with this person, and the hesitation/uncertainty thing was what I got. She responded to my imitative but not with the certainty of really putting herself in a lot more. I needed a fuller hearted match like me, but that wasn't what this was.
Invites and responses, questions and answers, so basic yet filled with subtleties that experience and perspective brings.
Shawn
I have experience and perspective, talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach. http://www.coachingthrough.com/
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