"You say yes, I say no--You say stop and I say go go go, oh no--You say goodbye and I say hello"--from the Song "Hello, Goodbye" by the Beatles from the "Magical Mystery Tour" Album
Communication is difficult almost all the time with anyone. Sometimes it feels like that Beatles song where you are saying one thing and the other person says the opposite but you both think you are saying and meaning the same thing! Friend to friend, co-worker to co-worker, spouse to spouse, parent to parent, it doesn't matter the relationship, communication is key.
Now I have been known for my "Not take No for an answer". That is the common phrase that says "I am persistent, I will get it done inspite of obstacles, I am pushy, I try to convince people to say yes, especially if I want them to". People who know me well would say I do that from time to time. Now I want to turn that on it's head a bit and throw out the idea that when someone says yes, to something don't take that as THE answer. Many of you probably don't and learned this a long time ago but I am a late bloomer, so bear with me...
I was dating this woman and wanted to "confirm" the relationship as exclusive. So I brought up the fact that I really liked her, and didn't want to see anyone else, just her. Her response was yes she felt the same. Two weeks later she said she was unsure of the relationship. Now saying "yes" in that situation does not legally bind anyone to anything. I knew that. This is where you get so amped up to get a definition of the relationship that anything that sounds like yes is all you want to hear. Instead of asking more questions and probing for feelings, I jumped at the yes. Why? Because I wanted the relationship to happen too much. My want kept me from asking questions and then assumptions are made then I can't see. There was indeed hesitation in her explanation of her yes, I just didn't hear it.
Sometimes when you ask your friends or family "how are you?" They say fine, ok or good. After you get that answer it is easy to jump to info, gossip, work stuff, etc... Sometimes people are not good or fine but either...want you ask more specific questions or feel silly or stupid for how they are doing/feeling especially if it the same issue they always end up talking about. I was meeting with a guy friend of mine. He was acting uncharacteristicaly edgy, nervous, high strung. I asked him how he was doing, and he gave me reflexive answer, ok. His behavior didn't change, still edgy, etc...So I said, "you seem out of sorts, nervous today, why?" That got him talking and opening up about his work and it's effect on him that day. I didn't take "yes" as an answer because his behavior clearly said different.
It is my belief that people want to share their thoughts and feelings but no one is asking them the question or getting past the "smoke screen" of a neutral answer of fine, ok, good. It is also my belief that people don't like being interrogated either. Sometimes the people in your life just are not ready to talk right now. You have to ask yourself the question, do I want to push this or skip it? Obviously, I believe in pushing it and if you get nothing then back off and revisit the conversation later. That is easier to do with a spouse because they are right there. It takes courage, persistence, and intentionality to care for those around you. Your friends, family and significant other don't want to be drama to you so words like fine, good, and ok deserve another question. Ask it.
Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach talk to me, shawn@coachingthrough.com
No comments:
Post a Comment