Marie Barone: Who keeps pornography for twenty-nine years?
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
From the TV Show "Everybody Loves Raymond"
The tricky thing about criticism is that it can be really helpful or really damaging. Being critical within a marriage relationship is a delicate matter. Why? Because people, individuals, humans, men, women are fragile people even if they act like they don't care. In a long term(life long) relationship you will need to correct your spouse for things that they say, or don't say, things they do and don't do so that they can understand how they are coming off to you and others. We all are a bit delusional when it comes to how we see ourselves and our behavior vs. REALITY. Everyone experiences blindness so we all need help seeing.
My wife lets me know when I am being inappropriate with my words to others. I like to talk and I like to joke around. I have learned to think more before I open my mouth, I have learned to choose my words more carefully because of my wife. I trust her take on me. I need someone to call me on my stuff. I especially need someone who will do it directly(so that it gets my attention) and clearly(so that I don't get defensive). I don't always like it and have to really keep my ears open but I am trying to make that change.
What turns criticism into a attack that is cutting or wounding is when there is lots of background frustration. This frustration in the background can arise from an number of reasons. One is not saying anything about a certain behavior or attitude so that you don't experience conflict. Another reason is unmet expectations that you are so thoroughly convinced that "everybody knows and understands" but your spouse doesn't. Unresolved anger would be another reason for background frustration either because it is unspoken or because you are holding something against your spouse that is well known. Lastly, you are frustrated because you have spelled out how you feel nicely, patiently and directly yet your spouse doesn't value what you said so you boil over with a cutting remark.
Criticism is pointing out a mistake or problem. Marital Mayhem ensues when it is done intensely, and with a personal edge questioning of character and ability. Keep the topic, THE topic. If your spouse isn't listening to you and it is driving you nuts, ask them why. Or ask them if your delivery, timing and/or expectations are an issue with them. If you don't trust each other, then the effectiveness of your direct correction will only cause damage, withdrawal and breed more distrust. Not being able to trust each other with our feelings kills intimacy and pretty soon one of you is looking for a "nicer" person. Remember, not everybody gets to experience this type of relationship and it takes work to create, nurture and protect it. Distrust leads to bad feelings, which leads to bad attitudes which lead to bad actions and words which leads to Mayhem.
I had a marriage in Mayhem so I know what it can be like. It doesn't have to be that way, talk to me
I can help...shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/
Shawn
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