Strings attached, is that so bad?

"I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand. No hand at all. She has the hand. I have no hand"--George Constanza from the Seinfeld Episode, "The Pez Dispenser"

In any part of any type of relationship, the practice of giving can feel like what George touched on in the above quote.  No power, vulnerable, advantage filled and sometimes calculated when we give.  Giving, can be anything--time, energy, money, a gift or item a listening ear etc...We as individuals have many decisions to make about when, how and to whom and in what manner we give.  Relationships that are new or just developing, giving can be risky or just feel that way. 

I believe that there are 4 different styles of giving and I will touch on one of them here, giving in the hope that it gains you something.  Fairness is a tricky word because it usually only applies to the one who comes up with the "elements" of fairness.  For example, if I "give" to you my listening ear to one of your concerns, rants, or just plain bad ideas, then down the road I would expect you to listen to me in the similar manner.  On paper, that makes sense especially if you are in an established relationship.  Or you are in a new relationship and want to see if the other person is tuned in or in your estimation, "cares enough" to listen to you even when you don't make sense. 

The problem lies in the score keeping mentality of this type of giving.  Sure, it is important to gauge the other person's ability to respond in kind or even use it as a boundary to see if they are as tuned in as you would like them to be.  What tends to happen though is the score keeping takes over your ability to assess "where things are at" or "what you want from the other person".  I will tell ya, we all disappoint.  We all miss the mark.  We all don't always do the right type of things at the right time to fully satisfy the other.  Score keeping takes us down a road of mistrust and resentment and it is usually just based upon our own set of "elements of fairness". 

These elements of fairness, a kind of you scratch my back, I will scratch yours is along the lines of 50-50, meet you in the middle kind of thinking.  Score keeping type of giving isn't really giving.  It is a type of giving that says, "will give to you in proportion to the giving you give me".  What it should be is a little more "all in" mentality.  Giving isn't waiting for another to give "appropriately", giving is out of the overflow of the heart to another, in this blog's case, to someone you love or are falling for, just because.  Now, for whatever reason you feel your "love cup" is not being filled then I suggest first of all, lose the metaphor.  Second, carefully but firmly discuss with your relationship partner what you need and be able to ask them, what can I do that I am not doing?  That is the kind of "give&take" I am talking about.

Shawn
Want to talk to Shawn about relationships?  Contact him through his website www.coachingthrough.com