What Your Kids See, part 4

"Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong."- George, in "The Opposite", from the TV Show 'Seinfeld'

Like I have mentioned in previous posts about what your kids see, your kids see so much more than you think.  The older they get, the more they get.  So they can see the differences between you and your spouse.  In fact, quite often, your kids play to the differences to get what they want or to avoid certain 'disciplinary actions'.  They test to see if you and your spouse are on the same page.   Is there a difference in dealing with certain child management issues?  Is there a difference in spending money?  Can they get a yes out of one of you, to avoid the no the other will say?  Is there a difference in who knows the calendar?  Is there a plan?

I think that sums it up best.  Is there a plan?  Where is this family going?  Direction and purpose are just another segment of stuff to impart to your kids.  The question is...do you and your spouse have a direction/purpose?  Both big picture and little picture would be the thing here, because if there isn't a big picture, the little picture is all over the place.  Things like budget/purchases, education/child training, housing, chores, and activities could all be seen as little picture when taken by themselves.  And if taken as separate, you will find you and spouse in reaction mode.  The ship will become rudderless and the chances that you both are not on the same page will be obvious and therefore exploited.

The most damaging thing I have seen in working with families of teens and even lately as I see new families with young children, is not having the parents agree on choices and decisions about how to deal with their kids.  They say consistency is key in raising kids, then the two of you must be consistent.   Same disciplinary actions, same reinforcement of good, same goals, same emphasis on what you two believe to be most important.  You want to frustrate and make  an angry kid?  Have different rules/values/consequences.  It really messes with a kid when one parent tried to undo what the other is doing because they DON'T BELIEVE IN IT.  The kids sense this lack of respect each spouse has for the other.  I have seen this in married couples and I have seen this in kids of divorced parents in which custody is shared.   It puts the kids in the middle of an issue between spouses.  No one is happy in this scenario. 

Too often as married people we wait for stuff to get to the point where we have to talk about it instead of being proactive.  You can't see everything coming but when you ignore or don't address issues as a couple you will end up reacting to things instead of being proactive or understanding what fits within the PLAN.  If you have an agreed upon plan or vision, then it becomes obvious when things are done or not done according to what was agreed upon.  Then you would need to address why the plan was not followed.  You may need to reopen that discussion because within the plan is shared values. 

A few examples of vision/plan...
Budgeting money for near future(Christmas spending, school clothes, family vacation etc...), Distant future(new car, house repairs/new house, retirement, money for college, etc...) budgeting is not hard, it is deciding what is most important is the trick.  Agreeing on that is really important. 
The use and method of disciplining your kids is really tricky and takes alot of communication, but it can be done.  One of you will be more bad cop and the other more good cop.  So finding a middle ground or being willing to step out of your own ways(being more confrontive or being more compassionate).  Agreement on dealing with behaviors is huge and you will be able to better train your kids.
The role of faith/church involvement, this is full of values and many differences.  If one spouse is very active and the other is not, you are dreaming if you think one spouse can overcome the other's lack of involvement.  Like any issue or value, one spouse cannot "make up for" another's choices no matter if it spending money, time management or faith issues.  If you want to really show and teach your kids, you gotta be on the same page.

Shawn, talk to me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website coachingthrough.com I can help.