“The whole point of love is to put someone else’s needs above your own.”--Danny Devito, from the movie "When in Rome"
I never thought I would ever quote Danny Devito, but there you go. You would think that giving is self explanatory. The idea of giving something to someone, time, energy, affection, money, actual gifts would by itself be loving. It can be but sometimes it is not loving or done out of love. If you have ever watched a sitcom on TV with husbands and wives then you find a whole new way of "giving", the kind that gets you out of trouble(sorta), or the diversion, or the "buttering" up to do something that the other doesn't want you to do. Now, you will say, "that's TV", now I will say, it is more common than you think.
Obviously, giving to get is not giving. Giving to manipulate the other is just plain unloving and unhealthy. Manipulation is a way of getting the other person to feel good about you based upon an act, a word or a gift that is not genuine. If you are in trouble or want something or want to do something that makes your relationship partner cranky, then you give. You give them chores. You get the things done they want you to so that you get your way. You give them gifts, the more personal and expensive the better. You give them affirmation, you flatter and compliment them so that they feel good about you, about the relationship etc... These good feelings help build a kind of trust, like a deposit into the "trust bank" then when you need a "withdrawal" you feel like you have enough credit to do stuff that they don't like or agree with.
This whole process of deposits, "smoothing things over" and the like has very little truth and love involved. Giving in this manner is a manipulation. Giving should be planned yet spontaneous in the sense of motive. Why are you so complimentary? Why do you want to buy that for them? That is the question...why? This type of giving will be personal, costly, and deeply gratifying for both of you. Making someone happy for no other reason than that it makes them happy is a very beautiful thing. Unfortunately, there are not a whole lot of good examples out there. So...
If you are interested in a new type of giving in your established relationship or are wondering if a certain gift is ok in your new relationship...
Talk to shawn@coachingthrough.com
shawn
Obviously, giving to get is not giving. Giving to manipulate the other is just plain unloving and unhealthy. Manipulation is a way of getting the other person to feel good about you based upon an act, a word or a gift that is not genuine. If you are in trouble or want something or want to do something that makes your relationship partner cranky, then you give. You give them chores. You get the things done they want you to so that you get your way. You give them gifts, the more personal and expensive the better. You give them affirmation, you flatter and compliment them so that they feel good about you, about the relationship etc... These good feelings help build a kind of trust, like a deposit into the "trust bank" then when you need a "withdrawal" you feel like you have enough credit to do stuff that they don't like or agree with.
This whole process of deposits, "smoothing things over" and the like has very little truth and love involved. Giving in this manner is a manipulation. Giving should be planned yet spontaneous in the sense of motive. Why are you so complimentary? Why do you want to buy that for them? That is the question...why? This type of giving will be personal, costly, and deeply gratifying for both of you. Making someone happy for no other reason than that it makes them happy is a very beautiful thing. Unfortunately, there are not a whole lot of good examples out there. So...
If you are interested in a new type of giving in your established relationship or are wondering if a certain gift is ok in your new relationship...
Talk to shawn@coachingthrough.com
shawn
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