"Your attitude is like the aroma of your heart. If your attitude stinks, it means your heart’s not right.”--Alex Kendrick from the Movie, "Facing Giants"
Your kids see and hear many things. It is not hard for them to piece together what we value, I mean what we really value not the things we tell them that they should value because you are supposed to. Quite often we are transmitting the much lesser parts of ourselves instead of the best parts of ourselves as parents. They need both so that they see the real us. Values transmission is one of the toughest jobs a parent has.
I can think back to my parents and they were able to instill in me a work ethic. The old school kind, where you leave your issues and baggage at the door and grind. The kind of work ethic that says, "whatever it takes", the kind of ownership of your responsibility of your job. That is a good thing. Education, social responsibility, faith in God, and morals were not part of that only as it related to work. No one told me about sex, marital relationships, or relationships or race relations. There was a lot left out. Why did the work ethic stick so well? We owned a family business and a house on 2/3 of an acre. These two places created a lifestyle of work, chores, and lists of things to do before you could play. I was part of family, and the family works at the store and keeps up the place where we live. That was that. So, my parents, had all these opportunities to "re-enforce" what work is, what chores were and they lived it too. My parents had one day off a year...Christmas.
A couple ideas about values transmission...1. you gotta live it, and 2. you gotta include your kids in the process. Again, 'you can't give away what you don't have'. But let's focus on what you do have. I know a friend of mine loves acting/theater/performing. He does it semi-professionally but it is not his job. He does it with his kids. He encourages acting/performing/theater because it is his joy. He loves it and that which he loves he shares with his kids. They even perform together in area productions. This participation affords him other opportunities to impart character and love. Another way to go is if you want to teach your son about being a man, then make special time for him. Take him out for a milkshake, or a throw or fishing whatever you think you and him would like to do, but don't make it just about that. Explain to him that you are going to be talking about what it means to be a man. Leadership, initiative, character stuff, whatever is your strong suit and passion about being a man that is what you give him in an intentional manner. You tell him what you are intending to do with these 'outings' and you do it. (that in itself is a values imparter!)
As parents, you need to take some inventory as to how your time is being spent as a family. If you are banking on sports team participation to teach your kid then that ain't much. Education is important but not everything. A mom said to me once, "my daughter is graduating HS and I don't know her", I asked why? she said, "I pushed academics, activities and homework so she would retreat to her room and do her schoolwork, next thing I know she is done and leaving for college soon and I don't know her". It's this kind of sneaky and seemly good thing that becomes the only thing your kid takes away and you have taught them really nothing. If you have teens, ask them what they think you value. If you have a pre-teen ask them what they think you value.
Scary, but it will wake you up to someof the things you might be missing.
Shawn is a Relationship Coach and can help you sort out your parenting of your pre-teen and teen. Having been a Youth Pastor for over 12 years. Contact him at shawn@coachingthrough.com
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