Strings attached, is that so bad? Part 3

"And you give yourself away, and you give, and you give yourself away, with or without you, I can't live..."
U2  "With or Without You" from the Joshua Tree album

In my last installment on Giving, I want to address another form of "giving to get".  On the surface, it is not mean like manipulation, nor as guarded as a 50-50 you give, then I give thing. 
No, the type of giving I am talking about is one of the worst because if carried out too far, can set up a person to be abused.   It is "I give because I feel so unworthy" type of giving. 

This type of giving, the person in the relationship keeps giving money, time, gifts, their body and sometimes their self respect and their life to keep someone from leaving.  That is the motivation...I don't want to lose you, I don't want to be alone, I cannont handle the break up so...
I will not only put up with a relationship that doesn't work, I will try to earn your affection, respect, your presence in this relationship.  What drives this "giving" is fear of losing the relationship.  The deeper the compromises, the more damage it does to one's self image/esteem. 

Some of us enter relationships with an "I am not good enough" sort of feeling.  It was there before the relationship and it will be there afterwards.  This feeling of inadequacy breeds insecurity which breeds desperation which breeds loss of boundaries and emotional and sometimes physical safety.  It is a big deal but not unfixable.  It is deeper than this blog can go so go see a professional to get at the root of this feeling.  It comes from somewhere.

To a lesser extent, you can feel this type of uneasiness in a relationship where you are convinced that you are more "invested" than the other person.  What this means is that the continuation of this relationship is more important to you than them.  You find yourself doing more than you should in the relationship, like agreeing to outings that you would never do but are doing just because they like it.  You find yourself not being honest with things that bother you, you minimize.  You find yourself consumed with the if and when they will break up with me. 
It's no fun but that is where you are.  Until you talk about the relationship honestly with your relationship partner, you will be walking on eggshells trying to perform more than you need to.

Performance and not just being is the deal here.  If you are interested in breaking this habit of usually being the one more invested...talk to Shawn at www.coachingthrough.com, I can help.