"Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard, Oh take me back to the start"--From the Song 'The Scientist' by Coldplay From the album "A Rush of Blood to the Head"
Relationships, especially marital relationships, can be difficult. What is difficult about them is conflict and the tension that goes with it. You know, the unresolved, stuff where one person is mad at the other and the other person is frustrated and there is this cloud of tension in the air. Or it could be quite transparent like verbal exchanges, sarcasm, rolling of the eyes, loud "talking" and personal jabs. Conflict and the tension that sometimes comes with it is a part of a relationship, especially a marriage. Conflicts do not go away when you have kids, in fact, having a family brings out the best and worst of us.
No one ever taught me how to deal with conflict. Neither of my parents ever explained to me how that works, or how conflict can be a good thing. As a child, I ALWAYS saw conflict as bad because it was stressful at my house. First of all, it was loud. The kind of loud that makes you flinch. Secondly, it was intense(the very nature of conflict), and emotional with things done and said that are hard to take back. What did I learn about conflict from my parents? Avoid it at all costs.
We all have tendency to hide things from our kids. Things that we don't think are helpful at their age stage or stuff we can't explain because we think it is too complex or it could be taken the wrong way. It also could be is that we don't know how to have conflict and resolve it. Like I have said before, we can't give away what you don't have. So I would think that as a team, you know, mom and dad=team need to talk about this process of conflict and how it works for you as a couple then find ways to chat with your kids.
You might say, 'I don't think it would be helpful and only make my kids think we are getting a divorce'. Sure, seeing conflict and tension in the home makes kids feel insecure and scared about their parent's relationship and what that could mean. I believe that opposite would be true, that by letting them in a little(remember age appropriate), you are teaching and helping them understand that which they already SEE. They see it. Just because they are young, don't think for a minute they don't see what you guys are doing. They feel it too. They feel the coldness of two people pulling away from each other or the coldness of the walls put up between spouses. By not talking about at all, only brings fear that "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore".
The details of conflict may not be helpful, like sexual issues or intricate financial dealings. But...there are teachable moments everywhere. All this is no good though, if you are not on the same page as your spouse when it comes to conflict and conflict resolution. Need someone to help you as a spouse or couple? Talk to Shawn at coachingthrough.com
Your kids need to learn and your kids need explanation of what they see, hear and feel!
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