'A sure way to lose happiness, I found, is to want it at the expense of everything else.'
--Bette Davis
There are seasons in a person's life where the demands placed upon them consume them. New job, developing a career, personal illness/injury, death of a loved one, preparations for a wedding, a newborn child, etc...the stuff of life, normal things that could happen to anyone. There are those things that we choose, events, travel, house remodels, relocating etc... again, normal occurrences. Seasons of life, like the seasons on a calendar pass because they are temporary. Unlike a calendar, some seasons last longer than others or require more of us than expected. But again, they pass. It is when we are consumed by the things of life for extended time(years), they become a lifestyle, a pattern, the way we live that can cause us trouble.
The trouble I speak of is the expense of being too caught up in things that our relationships suffer. "Caught up" means absorbed, overwhelmed, consumed, you pick the word you like. It is that thing outside of your relationship that is driving you, your time, your physical and emotional engergy into the ground. Distraction is a good word for it too. There are many important priorities in life, but there is a difference between 'a priority' and 'The priority'.
The greatest distraction that I can think of is work related. Career development is hard. Takes time, training and opportunity. Finding gainful employment when you have no job these days is hard too. Nothing puts a strain on an individual much less relationships than being out of work. Starting, finishing, focusing your education is another one that can be all consuming. Many times, those closest to us have to be put on hold while we deal. That happens. The question is for how long? Or for how often?
Then there is the word 'more'. The word more fits our American lifestyle. More entertainment, more food, more vacation, more shopping, more reality tv, more technology, more money...more is always better, less is bad(unless it is losing weight). "More" is an easy trap to fall into, especially when it is career/job/education driven to get more. Work is the vehicle to more. We will ride that one into the ground to get whatever we think more is. We will risk, and spend(you gotta spend money to make money). It is a trap because we are fooled into thinking that it is best. A trap because we believe those who we are closest to will appreciate our hard work, our sacrifice to give them things and experiences. Or in our mind...security.
I ask, 'but at what cost?' because making sacrifices by definition of the word, sacrifice, you have to give up something else to do that which you think is vital. Time with loved ones is often the sacrifice. Or time to be intentional because intentional relationships take more time than relationship maintence. Intentional relationships try to accomplish something for example...finding a relationship(that leads to marriage), developing your marriage, developing your marriage and being a parent(training and loving your children). People need more people time, face to face, not via text or skype or the like. Cramming more work, events, experiences into the calendar doesn't accomplish much, just shared experiences. Which is exhausting and no one is really happy. Like hamsters on a wheel.
If would like some help in this area of assessing your lifestyle, I can help. Contact me,
Shawn@coachingthrough.com, I know I can help!
I just like the picture with the pink headband...
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Blinded by Love or Blinded by Something Else
"Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark!"--Unknown Source
That decision to commit your heart to someone or that moment when you say to yourself, "I think I am falling in Love with this person" either one brings such a flood of feelings and thoughts that at once is the most pleasant and exciting thing to ever to have happened to you. I will not go on to define or try to capture with my limited vocabulary the essence of love between two people. I will speak of an aspect of "falling" or choosing love. There comes with it more than feelings and hope but a certain curious element of blindness.
Maybe it is because you are just supposed to not over think it. Someone once told me to just "be", whatever that meant. Maybe it meant that we are not supposed to think. Just drink it in, let your feelings be your guide or something. I wished I would been more a thinker than "feeler" the first time around. I met and married the first person I fell in love with because, well, aren't you supposed to marry the person you love? That was the extent of my thinking through the relationship. I say to anyone, that is not enough.
Is it because that marriage and relationship ended that I feel this way? Yes. Because that relationship ended without me asking myself or the other person questions. Or worse, not bringing people into the conversation about the relationship. I needed perspective and maybe someone gave me some and I didn't listen.(I wish I had a nickle ok a dollar for every person I've tried talking to about perspective when they were in love) There was this key element lacking in me, in my character, at that time it was openness. Open to really hearing what others were saying, open to asking people who I respected questions about love, marriage and relationships. I came from a divorced home, what did I know about the keys to a successful marriage?
I totally thought everything was going to be great but I did not know how I knew. I remember the week before I got married(the first time) and this guy offers me some marriage advice...'marriage is like driving a car 110 miles per hour in the fog, you don't know something is wrong until you hit it'. At the time, I thought it was funny. Looking back, he was a freakin' prophet. That is what happened. When you hit something, you hit big.
It always freaks me out when I get the opportunity to speak to people who are in love and/or are planning on getting married, they are so in their own world. It is like talking to the people who 'drank the Kool-aid', all faraway stares. I really question the helpfulness of pre-marital counselling at that point. Do they really want to talk for real? Or do they just want validation? Someone I know who was getting married said, "why go do marriage counselling, I already know we are compatible!" I think they were missing the point. Either do pre-marriage counselling before engagement or if you are so bold, do some marriage counselling when you are married but with out the crisis. Our pastor and his wife went to counselling because "they wanted to be married a long time", no crisis, just trying to do marriage well. Now that is openness!
So I say be open, and listen, you might not like what you hear, ask questions of yourself and invite some people into the functionality of your relationship. Or else you will fall victim to the '110mph in a fog' and trust me, you don't want that.
Shawn
You need some relationship help? Talk to me! @coachingthrough.com
Monday, July 25, 2011
What Your Kids See, part 4
Like I have mentioned in previous posts about what your kids see, your kids see so much more than you think. The older they get, the more they get. So they can see the differences between you and your spouse. In fact, quite often, your kids play to the differences to get what they want or to avoid certain 'disciplinary actions'. They test to see if you and your spouse are on the same page. Is there a difference in dealing with certain child management issues? Is there a difference in spending money? Can they get a yes out of one of you, to avoid the no the other will say? Is there a difference in who knows the calendar? Is there a plan?
I think that sums it up best. Is there a plan? Where is this family going? Direction and purpose are just another segment of stuff to impart to your kids. The question is...do you and your spouse have a direction/purpose? Both big picture and little picture would be the thing here, because if there isn't a big picture, the little picture is all over the place. Things like budget/purchases, education/child training, housing, chores, and activities could all be seen as little picture when taken by themselves. And if taken as separate, you will find you and spouse in reaction mode. The ship will become rudderless and the chances that you both are not on the same page will be obvious and therefore exploited.
The most damaging thing I have seen in working with families of teens and even lately as I see new families with young children, is not having the parents agree on choices and decisions about how to deal with their kids. They say consistency is key in raising kids, then the two of you must be consistent. Same disciplinary actions, same reinforcement of good, same goals, same emphasis on what you two believe to be most important. You want to frustrate and make an angry kid? Have different rules/values/consequences. It really messes with a kid when one parent tried to undo what the other is doing because they DON'T BELIEVE IN IT. The kids sense this lack of respect each spouse has for the other. I have seen this in married couples and I have seen this in kids of divorced parents in which custody is shared. It puts the kids in the middle of an issue between spouses. No one is happy in this scenario.
Too often as married people we wait for stuff to get to the point where we have to talk about it instead of being proactive. You can't see everything coming but when you ignore or don't address issues as a couple you will end up reacting to things instead of being proactive or understanding what fits within the PLAN. If you have an agreed upon plan or vision, then it becomes obvious when things are done or not done according to what was agreed upon. Then you would need to address why the plan was not followed. You may need to reopen that discussion because within the plan is shared values.
A few examples of vision/plan...
Budgeting money for near future(Christmas spending, school clothes, family vacation etc...), Distant future(new car, house repairs/new house, retirement, money for college, etc...) budgeting is not hard, it is deciding what is most important is the trick. Agreeing on that is really important.
The use and method of disciplining your kids is really tricky and takes alot of communication, but it can be done. One of you will be more bad cop and the other more good cop. So finding a middle ground or being willing to step out of your own ways(being more confrontive or being more compassionate). Agreement on dealing with behaviors is huge and you will be able to better train your kids.
The role of faith/church involvement, this is full of values and many differences. If one spouse is very active and the other is not, you are dreaming if you think one spouse can overcome the other's lack of involvement. Like any issue or value, one spouse cannot "make up for" another's choices no matter if it spending money, time management or faith issues. If you want to really show and teach your kids, you gotta be on the same page.
Shawn, talk to me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website coachingthrough.com I can help.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
What Your Kids See, Part 3
"Your attitude is like the aroma of your heart. If your attitude stinks, it means your heart’s not right.”--Alex Kendrick from the Movie, "Facing Giants"
Your kids see and hear many things. It is not hard for them to piece together what we value, I mean what we really value not the things we tell them that they should value because you are supposed to. Quite often we are transmitting the much lesser parts of ourselves instead of the best parts of ourselves as parents. They need both so that they see the real us. Values transmission is one of the toughest jobs a parent has.
I can think back to my parents and they were able to instill in me a work ethic. The old school kind, where you leave your issues and baggage at the door and grind. The kind of work ethic that says, "whatever it takes", the kind of ownership of your responsibility of your job. That is a good thing. Education, social responsibility, faith in God, and morals were not part of that only as it related to work. No one told me about sex, marital relationships, or relationships or race relations. There was a lot left out. Why did the work ethic stick so well? We owned a family business and a house on 2/3 of an acre. These two places created a lifestyle of work, chores, and lists of things to do before you could play. I was part of family, and the family works at the store and keeps up the place where we live. That was that. So, my parents, had all these opportunities to "re-enforce" what work is, what chores were and they lived it too. My parents had one day off a year...Christmas.
A couple ideas about values transmission...1. you gotta live it, and 2. you gotta include your kids in the process. Again, 'you can't give away what you don't have'. But let's focus on what you do have. I know a friend of mine loves acting/theater/performing. He does it semi-professionally but it is not his job. He does it with his kids. He encourages acting/performing/theater because it is his joy. He loves it and that which he loves he shares with his kids. They even perform together in area productions. This participation affords him other opportunities to impart character and love. Another way to go is if you want to teach your son about being a man, then make special time for him. Take him out for a milkshake, or a throw or fishing whatever you think you and him would like to do, but don't make it just about that. Explain to him that you are going to be talking about what it means to be a man. Leadership, initiative, character stuff, whatever is your strong suit and passion about being a man that is what you give him in an intentional manner. You tell him what you are intending to do with these 'outings' and you do it. (that in itself is a values imparter!)
As parents, you need to take some inventory as to how your time is being spent as a family. If you are banking on sports team participation to teach your kid then that ain't much. Education is important but not everything. A mom said to me once, "my daughter is graduating HS and I don't know her", I asked why? she said, "I pushed academics, activities and homework so she would retreat to her room and do her schoolwork, next thing I know she is done and leaving for college soon and I don't know her". It's this kind of sneaky and seemly good thing that becomes the only thing your kid takes away and you have taught them really nothing. If you have teens, ask them what they think you value. If you have a pre-teen ask them what they think you value.
Scary, but it will wake you up to someof the things you might be missing.
Shawn is a Relationship Coach and can help you sort out your parenting of your pre-teen and teen. Having been a Youth Pastor for over 12 years. Contact him at shawn@coachingthrough.com
Your kids see and hear many things. It is not hard for them to piece together what we value, I mean what we really value not the things we tell them that they should value because you are supposed to. Quite often we are transmitting the much lesser parts of ourselves instead of the best parts of ourselves as parents. They need both so that they see the real us. Values transmission is one of the toughest jobs a parent has.
I can think back to my parents and they were able to instill in me a work ethic. The old school kind, where you leave your issues and baggage at the door and grind. The kind of work ethic that says, "whatever it takes", the kind of ownership of your responsibility of your job. That is a good thing. Education, social responsibility, faith in God, and morals were not part of that only as it related to work. No one told me about sex, marital relationships, or relationships or race relations. There was a lot left out. Why did the work ethic stick so well? We owned a family business and a house on 2/3 of an acre. These two places created a lifestyle of work, chores, and lists of things to do before you could play. I was part of family, and the family works at the store and keeps up the place where we live. That was that. So, my parents, had all these opportunities to "re-enforce" what work is, what chores were and they lived it too. My parents had one day off a year...Christmas.
A couple ideas about values transmission...1. you gotta live it, and 2. you gotta include your kids in the process. Again, 'you can't give away what you don't have'. But let's focus on what you do have. I know a friend of mine loves acting/theater/performing. He does it semi-professionally but it is not his job. He does it with his kids. He encourages acting/performing/theater because it is his joy. He loves it and that which he loves he shares with his kids. They even perform together in area productions. This participation affords him other opportunities to impart character and love. Another way to go is if you want to teach your son about being a man, then make special time for him. Take him out for a milkshake, or a throw or fishing whatever you think you and him would like to do, but don't make it just about that. Explain to him that you are going to be talking about what it means to be a man. Leadership, initiative, character stuff, whatever is your strong suit and passion about being a man that is what you give him in an intentional manner. You tell him what you are intending to do with these 'outings' and you do it. (that in itself is a values imparter!)
As parents, you need to take some inventory as to how your time is being spent as a family. If you are banking on sports team participation to teach your kid then that ain't much. Education is important but not everything. A mom said to me once, "my daughter is graduating HS and I don't know her", I asked why? she said, "I pushed academics, activities and homework so she would retreat to her room and do her schoolwork, next thing I know she is done and leaving for college soon and I don't know her". It's this kind of sneaky and seemly good thing that becomes the only thing your kid takes away and you have taught them really nothing. If you have teens, ask them what they think you value. If you have a pre-teen ask them what they think you value.
Scary, but it will wake you up to someof the things you might be missing.
Shawn is a Relationship Coach and can help you sort out your parenting of your pre-teen and teen. Having been a Youth Pastor for over 12 years. Contact him at shawn@coachingthrough.com
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What Your Kids See, part 2
"Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard, Oh take me back to the start"--From the Song 'The Scientist' by Coldplay From the album "A Rush of Blood to the Head"
Relationships, especially marital relationships, can be difficult. What is difficult about them is conflict and the tension that goes with it. You know, the unresolved, stuff where one person is mad at the other and the other person is frustrated and there is this cloud of tension in the air. Or it could be quite transparent like verbal exchanges, sarcasm, rolling of the eyes, loud "talking" and personal jabs. Conflict and the tension that sometimes comes with it is a part of a relationship, especially a marriage. Conflicts do not go away when you have kids, in fact, having a family brings out the best and worst of us.
No one ever taught me how to deal with conflict. Neither of my parents ever explained to me how that works, or how conflict can be a good thing. As a child, I ALWAYS saw conflict as bad because it was stressful at my house. First of all, it was loud. The kind of loud that makes you flinch. Secondly, it was intense(the very nature of conflict), and emotional with things done and said that are hard to take back. What did I learn about conflict from my parents? Avoid it at all costs.
We all have tendency to hide things from our kids. Things that we don't think are helpful at their age stage or stuff we can't explain because we think it is too complex or it could be taken the wrong way. It also could be is that we don't know how to have conflict and resolve it. Like I have said before, we can't give away what you don't have. So I would think that as a team, you know, mom and dad=team need to talk about this process of conflict and how it works for you as a couple then find ways to chat with your kids.
You might say, 'I don't think it would be helpful and only make my kids think we are getting a divorce'. Sure, seeing conflict and tension in the home makes kids feel insecure and scared about their parent's relationship and what that could mean. I believe that opposite would be true, that by letting them in a little(remember age appropriate), you are teaching and helping them understand that which they already SEE. They see it. Just because they are young, don't think for a minute they don't see what you guys are doing. They feel it too. They feel the coldness of two people pulling away from each other or the coldness of the walls put up between spouses. By not talking about at all, only brings fear that "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore".
The details of conflict may not be helpful, like sexual issues or intricate financial dealings. But...there are teachable moments everywhere. All this is no good though, if you are not on the same page as your spouse when it comes to conflict and conflict resolution. Need someone to help you as a spouse or couple? Talk to Shawn at coachingthrough.com
Your kids need to learn and your kids need explanation of what they see, hear and feel!
Relationships, especially marital relationships, can be difficult. What is difficult about them is conflict and the tension that goes with it. You know, the unresolved, stuff where one person is mad at the other and the other person is frustrated and there is this cloud of tension in the air. Or it could be quite transparent like verbal exchanges, sarcasm, rolling of the eyes, loud "talking" and personal jabs. Conflict and the tension that sometimes comes with it is a part of a relationship, especially a marriage. Conflicts do not go away when you have kids, in fact, having a family brings out the best and worst of us.
No one ever taught me how to deal with conflict. Neither of my parents ever explained to me how that works, or how conflict can be a good thing. As a child, I ALWAYS saw conflict as bad because it was stressful at my house. First of all, it was loud. The kind of loud that makes you flinch. Secondly, it was intense(the very nature of conflict), and emotional with things done and said that are hard to take back. What did I learn about conflict from my parents? Avoid it at all costs.
We all have tendency to hide things from our kids. Things that we don't think are helpful at their age stage or stuff we can't explain because we think it is too complex or it could be taken the wrong way. It also could be is that we don't know how to have conflict and resolve it. Like I have said before, we can't give away what you don't have. So I would think that as a team, you know, mom and dad=team need to talk about this process of conflict and how it works for you as a couple then find ways to chat with your kids.
You might say, 'I don't think it would be helpful and only make my kids think we are getting a divorce'. Sure, seeing conflict and tension in the home makes kids feel insecure and scared about their parent's relationship and what that could mean. I believe that opposite would be true, that by letting them in a little(remember age appropriate), you are teaching and helping them understand that which they already SEE. They see it. Just because they are young, don't think for a minute they don't see what you guys are doing. They feel it too. They feel the coldness of two people pulling away from each other or the coldness of the walls put up between spouses. By not talking about at all, only brings fear that "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore".
The details of conflict may not be helpful, like sexual issues or intricate financial dealings. But...there are teachable moments everywhere. All this is no good though, if you are not on the same page as your spouse when it comes to conflict and conflict resolution. Need someone to help you as a spouse or couple? Talk to Shawn at coachingthrough.com
Your kids need to learn and your kids need explanation of what they see, hear and feel!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
What Your Kids See, part 1
“The best thing parents can do for their kids is just love each other."--Romy Rosemont, from the Movie "My Life".
I would not say it is the only thing because parenting is hard work. I would say one of the best things you can do as a parent is to show your kids that you love your spouse. As our children get older, they see through us better and better. When they are small, it's what we say that can make a difference. When they get older, like mid-elementary age, it's what we do. When they are teens and pre-teens, it's what we say and do. So it becomes more important over time to grow your marital relationship.
It is rare to see a balanced, affectionate and appropriate loving relationship anywhere these days. Call me old, but what I see that passes for expression of love between two people continues to push the envelope of what is appropriate. That is all we see anyway, is the physical expression. That is what passes for showing love in a relationship, the sexual attraction. It's what makes 40 to 60 somethings get plastic surgery at an epidemic rate. It's being sexy and sexy is purely physical whether it is appearance or attitude or activity. I ask, is this a complete picture of what love is? Is sexy is that which passes for love? Are we more concerned about the physical/appearance/performance than say, something loving like, affirmation, respect, mutual submission and team work?
Sure our children need to see affection displayed appropriately and then explained. Yes, it seems that every parent hasn't ever effectively explained the sexual relationship. Often, children don't get either example, affection or loving actions between parents. You can tell your kids all you want verbally that you love each other. You can say it in front of them. Until you practice it, genuinely, spontaneously and with regularity, then how will they know what it looks like? How are our children to know what love looks like? When you are married and have kids, there are those times you gotta grind it out, and go through difficulty. There are plenty of joyless times but if that is all they get or they get a fake relationship, then you are doing plenty of harm.
I like to say, "you can't give away what you don't have". You can't show love to your kids if you don't have love in your heart for your spouse. There could be many reasons for this feeling and no matter the reasons it needs to be resolved. As a Relationship Coach, I can help...to a point. If you feel there are deeper issues then marriage counselling is the way to go. If you have kids, there is more at stake than your relationship with your spouse(which is considerable), much more. What do your kids see in your relationship with your spouse? Why not ask them and see what they say. You might not like what you hear.
Shawn
www.coachingthrough.com
resolved.
I would not say it is the only thing because parenting is hard work. I would say one of the best things you can do as a parent is to show your kids that you love your spouse. As our children get older, they see through us better and better. When they are small, it's what we say that can make a difference. When they get older, like mid-elementary age, it's what we do. When they are teens and pre-teens, it's what we say and do. So it becomes more important over time to grow your marital relationship.
It is rare to see a balanced, affectionate and appropriate loving relationship anywhere these days. Call me old, but what I see that passes for expression of love between two people continues to push the envelope of what is appropriate. That is all we see anyway, is the physical expression. That is what passes for showing love in a relationship, the sexual attraction. It's what makes 40 to 60 somethings get plastic surgery at an epidemic rate. It's being sexy and sexy is purely physical whether it is appearance or attitude or activity. I ask, is this a complete picture of what love is? Is sexy is that which passes for love? Are we more concerned about the physical/appearance/performance than say, something loving like, affirmation, respect, mutual submission and team work?
Sure our children need to see affection displayed appropriately and then explained. Yes, it seems that every parent hasn't ever effectively explained the sexual relationship. Often, children don't get either example, affection or loving actions between parents. You can tell your kids all you want verbally that you love each other. You can say it in front of them. Until you practice it, genuinely, spontaneously and with regularity, then how will they know what it looks like? How are our children to know what love looks like? When you are married and have kids, there are those times you gotta grind it out, and go through difficulty. There are plenty of joyless times but if that is all they get or they get a fake relationship, then you are doing plenty of harm.
I like to say, "you can't give away what you don't have". You can't show love to your kids if you don't have love in your heart for your spouse. There could be many reasons for this feeling and no matter the reasons it needs to be resolved. As a Relationship Coach, I can help...to a point. If you feel there are deeper issues then marriage counselling is the way to go. If you have kids, there is more at stake than your relationship with your spouse(which is considerable), much more. What do your kids see in your relationship with your spouse? Why not ask them and see what they say. You might not like what you hear.
Shawn
www.coachingthrough.com
resolved.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Value of Time, Part 4
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."-Proverbs 13:12
If I could put myself in a time-machine and go back in time to those decision points regarding committing my heart to a relationship, if I could talk to myself, like meet for coffee and sit down and chat I would tell me to wait. Yes, wait. You see my thing has always been make things happen instead of waiting. Time will always tell. Time will tell you things about yourself, about others because no one can pretend, hide or deny that which is true of themselves for long periods of time. People can tell you all sorts of things but time tells the truth whether we want it to or not.
Why wait? Because over time, patterns develop if you are looking for them. We all have habits, and patterns, in fact, we spend a lot of energy, time and money trying to change certain things. Individuals have patterns of action, values and speech. When seeking a relationship, the allowance of time will help you discern the intentions of another. When in an established relationship, time will allow you to learn about the other person to see if that any true values matches. In a marriage, time together will tell you things about yourself and your spouse through events both good and bad.
That's the thing, time allows for events to take place that put pressure on a relationship or an individuals life that helps to reveal how they handle that pressure/stress. Go through similar situations and you begin to see how you or the other person deals or not deals with when things don't go their way. Time helps clear your vision as to the reality of the situation. Our vision becomes blurred when we are feeling so many different things or if you are conflicted in your feelings.
Values are seen when we allow time to pass so that we or the other person's decisions and time, and/or money usage becomes more apparent. We can all say that something is "no big deal" but when push comes to shove, then we see things in a truer light. How are we to consider if the person we are interested in is a good match if you don't know what they value. Like I said, you can ask questions and listen to the words but too often we read into what is said or only hear what we want to hear. It is actions over time that paint a clearer picture.
Obviously, not everybody is so quick to act or give away their heart. Some use the passage of time to send a subtle message of "I'm not THAT interested". For some couples the passage of time is a game of chicken to see who will commit their hearts first or who will pull the plug on the relationship first. Still for others, the fear of commitment holds off any movement. Either way, whether you are fast or slow to act or commit, time will tell.
Shawn...is a Relationship Coach, consider contacting me for your questions and direction of your relationship issues. 1st session is free. Check out my Website at www.coachingthrough.com
If I could put myself in a time-machine and go back in time to those decision points regarding committing my heart to a relationship, if I could talk to myself, like meet for coffee and sit down and chat I would tell me to wait. Yes, wait. You see my thing has always been make things happen instead of waiting. Time will always tell. Time will tell you things about yourself, about others because no one can pretend, hide or deny that which is true of themselves for long periods of time. People can tell you all sorts of things but time tells the truth whether we want it to or not.
Why wait? Because over time, patterns develop if you are looking for them. We all have habits, and patterns, in fact, we spend a lot of energy, time and money trying to change certain things. Individuals have patterns of action, values and speech. When seeking a relationship, the allowance of time will help you discern the intentions of another. When in an established relationship, time will allow you to learn about the other person to see if that any true values matches. In a marriage, time together will tell you things about yourself and your spouse through events both good and bad.
That's the thing, time allows for events to take place that put pressure on a relationship or an individuals life that helps to reveal how they handle that pressure/stress. Go through similar situations and you begin to see how you or the other person deals or not deals with when things don't go their way. Time helps clear your vision as to the reality of the situation. Our vision becomes blurred when we are feeling so many different things or if you are conflicted in your feelings.
Values are seen when we allow time to pass so that we or the other person's decisions and time, and/or money usage becomes more apparent. We can all say that something is "no big deal" but when push comes to shove, then we see things in a truer light. How are we to consider if the person we are interested in is a good match if you don't know what they value. Like I said, you can ask questions and listen to the words but too often we read into what is said or only hear what we want to hear. It is actions over time that paint a clearer picture.
Obviously, not everybody is so quick to act or give away their heart. Some use the passage of time to send a subtle message of "I'm not THAT interested". For some couples the passage of time is a game of chicken to see who will commit their hearts first or who will pull the plug on the relationship first. Still for others, the fear of commitment holds off any movement. Either way, whether you are fast or slow to act or commit, time will tell.
Shawn...is a Relationship Coach, consider contacting me for your questions and direction of your relationship issues. 1st session is free. Check out my Website at www.coachingthrough.com
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The Value of Time, Part 3
"time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future"-From 'Fly Like An Eagle' by the Steve Miller Band
In this my third installment of time and what it means to a relationship, I would like to touch on 'time management'. How we use our time is one of those value match situations. What I mean is either we are in relationship with someone who uses time pretty much like we do or we are in relationship with someone whose use of time is different but there is respect and flexibility on both sides. There tends to be two extremes of time usage to look out for. The over scheduled person and the person who does not seem to do anything.
The over scheduled person tends to fill all their time with anything, projects, social activities, work, travel, family etc...They have trouble saying no to things, and would rather fill their time up. There can be good reasons and bad reasons for this. Good reasons would be that sometimes life demands more of our time...for a season, not always. If your lifestyle is running to one thing and then to the other all the time, then you have too much going on. In a relationship, most likely you are trying to get your partner motivated to do all the stuff. Sure at first they may be cheerful about it, but if they see their time differently, eventually they will grow very tired of this schedule. An over scheduled life does not allow for time to reflect on the questions 'why am I doing all these things?, where is this relationship going?, is this really that important?' Over scheduling is a roadblock to focus which makes creating a vision of what life with another could be. It is just one event after another, and where did time go?
The person who doesn't do anything has a wide open schedule but sees commitments of any kind a bit draining. They could have two events all week(outside of work), and feel overwhelmed time-wise. This person thinks they need lots of 'down time'. They have much less motivation to maintain multiple relationships, or multiple events but when in relationship, would rather spend their time with their relationship partner. Their vision of a long term relationship does not include a lot of adventure nor time spent outside the home.
Either way, misinterpretation of time spent, too clingy(not busy person) or not interested enough(busy person) can wreck a relationship. Respecting each other's time needs, needs for social interaction, or needs for down time is most important. Trying to change the other person is not respect. Respect has to do with acceptance and understanding. Sure, both parties need to be flexible, more events for one and less events for another. If you can't do that, then this relationship doesn't have much long term potential. If you are already married, then you need to develop an agreed upon vision for your family and relationship.
If you would like to talk more time management within your relationship...talk to me, Shawn, a Relationship Coach at coachingthrough.com
In this my third installment of time and what it means to a relationship, I would like to touch on 'time management'. How we use our time is one of those value match situations. What I mean is either we are in relationship with someone who uses time pretty much like we do or we are in relationship with someone whose use of time is different but there is respect and flexibility on both sides. There tends to be two extremes of time usage to look out for. The over scheduled person and the person who does not seem to do anything.
The over scheduled person tends to fill all their time with anything, projects, social activities, work, travel, family etc...They have trouble saying no to things, and would rather fill their time up. There can be good reasons and bad reasons for this. Good reasons would be that sometimes life demands more of our time...for a season, not always. If your lifestyle is running to one thing and then to the other all the time, then you have too much going on. In a relationship, most likely you are trying to get your partner motivated to do all the stuff. Sure at first they may be cheerful about it, but if they see their time differently, eventually they will grow very tired of this schedule. An over scheduled life does not allow for time to reflect on the questions 'why am I doing all these things?, where is this relationship going?, is this really that important?' Over scheduling is a roadblock to focus which makes creating a vision of what life with another could be. It is just one event after another, and where did time go?
The person who doesn't do anything has a wide open schedule but sees commitments of any kind a bit draining. They could have two events all week(outside of work), and feel overwhelmed time-wise. This person thinks they need lots of 'down time'. They have much less motivation to maintain multiple relationships, or multiple events but when in relationship, would rather spend their time with their relationship partner. Their vision of a long term relationship does not include a lot of adventure nor time spent outside the home.
Either way, misinterpretation of time spent, too clingy(not busy person) or not interested enough(busy person) can wreck a relationship. Respecting each other's time needs, needs for social interaction, or needs for down time is most important. Trying to change the other person is not respect. Respect has to do with acceptance and understanding. Sure, both parties need to be flexible, more events for one and less events for another. If you can't do that, then this relationship doesn't have much long term potential. If you are already married, then you need to develop an agreed upon vision for your family and relationship.
If you would like to talk more time management within your relationship...talk to me, Shawn, a Relationship Coach at coachingthrough.com
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Value of Time, Part 2
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak
Ecclesiastes
3:1,6-7
You just knew that this passage would be quoted in a series of blog posts. In my continuing series on the Value of Time, I want to address the idea of awareness of time. What does this have to do with relationships? Quite a bit actually. It is not just being aware of what time it is or how long you have been in a certain relationship but the meaning we bring to time. What do I mean by that? Well I'll tell you...
The first few dates(that is what us old people call social interaction with potential) can be seen by the length of time spent together. If it is a bad "date" you are keenly aware that you may never get those couple of hours back. You are aware! If it is a good to exciting date then the time flies and you don't want the evening to end. You are not aware of time in this case because you are caught up in the fun, the attraction and the possibilities. You can look back and say, "wow, where did the time go!" and that usually means that things are good.
In an established dating relationship, awareness of time gets tricky. For one person, they need more time to decide if they can commit their heart fully, long term(marriage). The other person most likely has had enough time to decide and has already committed their heart fully and time cannot move fast enough for them. The question is, can the deliberate person decide and can the already decided person wait. Another way to look at is some of us are way quicker than others to give our hearts away. Others of us are way more careful. These differences are key to recognize.
In a marriage, awareness of time is important. Why? Well, just like the above example, we all tend to move at different paces. What is quick to one person is slow to another. In a marriage, doing projects or leaving for an outing, getting on the same time page can alleviate some conflict. If one person in the marriage is slow, then it is a way for the fast person in the marriage to show that they care by being patient and not make a big deal out of it. The slow person can show that they value the other person by giving them the gift of moving faster. It is an opportunity to show caring for each other, not a running battle or criticism waiting to happen. In either case, whether slow or fast, accepting the other's style is part of love. Don't make it into a battle, there are more important issues in marriage than this.
Awareness of time has many applications depending upon the type of relationship you are in. If you need more help in making sense of time and what it means, contact Shawn @coachingthrough.com.
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak
Ecclesiastes
3:1,6-7
You just knew that this passage would be quoted in a series of blog posts. In my continuing series on the Value of Time, I want to address the idea of awareness of time. What does this have to do with relationships? Quite a bit actually. It is not just being aware of what time it is or how long you have been in a certain relationship but the meaning we bring to time. What do I mean by that? Well I'll tell you...
The first few dates(that is what us old people call social interaction with potential) can be seen by the length of time spent together. If it is a bad "date" you are keenly aware that you may never get those couple of hours back. You are aware! If it is a good to exciting date then the time flies and you don't want the evening to end. You are not aware of time in this case because you are caught up in the fun, the attraction and the possibilities. You can look back and say, "wow, where did the time go!" and that usually means that things are good.
In an established dating relationship, awareness of time gets tricky. For one person, they need more time to decide if they can commit their heart fully, long term(marriage). The other person most likely has had enough time to decide and has already committed their heart fully and time cannot move fast enough for them. The question is, can the deliberate person decide and can the already decided person wait. Another way to look at is some of us are way quicker than others to give our hearts away. Others of us are way more careful. These differences are key to recognize.
In a marriage, awareness of time is important. Why? Well, just like the above example, we all tend to move at different paces. What is quick to one person is slow to another. In a marriage, doing projects or leaving for an outing, getting on the same time page can alleviate some conflict. If one person in the marriage is slow, then it is a way for the fast person in the marriage to show that they care by being patient and not make a big deal out of it. The slow person can show that they value the other person by giving them the gift of moving faster. It is an opportunity to show caring for each other, not a running battle or criticism waiting to happen. In either case, whether slow or fast, accepting the other's style is part of love. Don't make it into a battle, there are more important issues in marriage than this.
Awareness of time has many applications depending upon the type of relationship you are in. If you need more help in making sense of time and what it means, contact Shawn @coachingthrough.com.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The Value of Time, Part 1
“Time, it has been proposed, is the fourth dimension. And yet, for mortal man, time has no dimension at all. We are like horses with blinders, seeing only what lies before us, forever guessing the future and fabricating the past.” --Andrew Jack from the Movie "Kate & Leopold"
Time is a big deal to me. Call it an anxious heart, or youngest child syndrome or just impatient, but I like to think I am very aware of time. I value it above all and yet I have tremendous skill at wasting it. In fact, I find that I can be quite satisfied doing nothing at all. All that being said, we all bring differing views to how to spend time, awareness of time and managing(or being managed by) time.
Our personal style of spending time can create a lot of conflict in a relationship. It is a value thing. We all can jump to a ton of conclusions about a person(judgement) by what they do with the time they have. It's about one of those words with multiple meanings...productivity. What is productive and what is not? That is a loaded question(s). Are you trying to get to know someone, then ask them that question. Or ask them to breakdown their schedule for you. It will say a lot about their value of time. Or shall I say, time as a value to them.
Productivity has many definitions, no really it does. Why? How is that possible? Because for one person being productive is having time to "relax" which for another person being productive is doing a lot of stuff all day. Do you see the difference? Maybe you can't see the words productive and relax associated with each other. That is the thing right there. How time is spent is subjective to the individual. Again, when someone says "productive" it can mean something way different than what you thought unless....you ask them what they mean(communication).
Another word that is closely associated with our individual concept of "spending time" is expectation. This is applied when one person "measures" the level of stuff that did or didn't get done during a given day or time period. Expectation, unless it is tied to a clear cut list of things agreed upon to be done during a communicated time period, will produce conflict. Now you have put yourself in the position of time police. Whether you are in a new relationship or are married, you want to avoid being time cop. Sure, accountability is important to build trust but unless you both have a complete understanding of what the other's expectations are for that day or time period, then you are creating conflict or resentment.
Spending time has so much more attached to it than we think. As individuals we get so locked into our view of time and the ideas of productivity/expectations that we don't slow down enough to make sure that we understand our relationship partner. If you feel like you need help with this, why not consider talking to Shawn, check out his website www.coachingthrough.com
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Strings attached, is that so bad? Part 3
"And you give yourself away, and you give, and you give yourself away, with or without you, I can't live..."
U2 "With or Without You" from the Joshua Tree album
In my last installment on Giving, I want to address another form of "giving to get". On the surface, it is not mean like manipulation, nor as guarded as a 50-50 you give, then I give thing.
No, the type of giving I am talking about is one of the worst because if carried out too far, can set up a person to be abused. It is "I give because I feel so unworthy" type of giving.
This type of giving, the person in the relationship keeps giving money, time, gifts, their body and sometimes their self respect and their life to keep someone from leaving. That is the motivation...I don't want to lose you, I don't want to be alone, I cannont handle the break up so...
I will not only put up with a relationship that doesn't work, I will try to earn your affection, respect, your presence in this relationship. What drives this "giving" is fear of losing the relationship. The deeper the compromises, the more damage it does to one's self image/esteem.
Some of us enter relationships with an "I am not good enough" sort of feeling. It was there before the relationship and it will be there afterwards. This feeling of inadequacy breeds insecurity which breeds desperation which breeds loss of boundaries and emotional and sometimes physical safety. It is a big deal but not unfixable. It is deeper than this blog can go so go see a professional to get at the root of this feeling. It comes from somewhere.
To a lesser extent, you can feel this type of uneasiness in a relationship where you are convinced that you are more "invested" than the other person. What this means is that the continuation of this relationship is more important to you than them. You find yourself doing more than you should in the relationship, like agreeing to outings that you would never do but are doing just because they like it. You find yourself not being honest with things that bother you, you minimize. You find yourself consumed with the if and when they will break up with me.
It's no fun but that is where you are. Until you talk about the relationship honestly with your relationship partner, you will be walking on eggshells trying to perform more than you need to.
Performance and not just being is the deal here. If you are interested in breaking this habit of usually being the one more invested...talk to Shawn at www.coachingthrough.com, I can help.
U2 "With or Without You" from the Joshua Tree album
In my last installment on Giving, I want to address another form of "giving to get". On the surface, it is not mean like manipulation, nor as guarded as a 50-50 you give, then I give thing.
No, the type of giving I am talking about is one of the worst because if carried out too far, can set up a person to be abused. It is "I give because I feel so unworthy" type of giving.
This type of giving, the person in the relationship keeps giving money, time, gifts, their body and sometimes their self respect and their life to keep someone from leaving. That is the motivation...I don't want to lose you, I don't want to be alone, I cannont handle the break up so...
I will not only put up with a relationship that doesn't work, I will try to earn your affection, respect, your presence in this relationship. What drives this "giving" is fear of losing the relationship. The deeper the compromises, the more damage it does to one's self image/esteem.
Some of us enter relationships with an "I am not good enough" sort of feeling. It was there before the relationship and it will be there afterwards. This feeling of inadequacy breeds insecurity which breeds desperation which breeds loss of boundaries and emotional and sometimes physical safety. It is a big deal but not unfixable. It is deeper than this blog can go so go see a professional to get at the root of this feeling. It comes from somewhere.
To a lesser extent, you can feel this type of uneasiness in a relationship where you are convinced that you are more "invested" than the other person. What this means is that the continuation of this relationship is more important to you than them. You find yourself doing more than you should in the relationship, like agreeing to outings that you would never do but are doing just because they like it. You find yourself not being honest with things that bother you, you minimize. You find yourself consumed with the if and when they will break up with me.
It's no fun but that is where you are. Until you talk about the relationship honestly with your relationship partner, you will be walking on eggshells trying to perform more than you need to.
Performance and not just being is the deal here. If you are interested in breaking this habit of usually being the one more invested...talk to Shawn at www.coachingthrough.com, I can help.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Strings attached, is that so bad? Part 2
“The whole point of love is to put someone else’s needs above your own.”--Danny Devito, from the movie "When in Rome"
I never thought I would ever quote Danny Devito, but there you go. You would think that giving is self explanatory. The idea of giving something to someone, time, energy, affection, money, actual gifts would by itself be loving. It can be but sometimes it is not loving or done out of love. If you have ever watched a sitcom on TV with husbands and wives then you find a whole new way of "giving", the kind that gets you out of trouble(sorta), or the diversion, or the "buttering" up to do something that the other doesn't want you to do. Now, you will say, "that's TV", now I will say, it is more common than you think.
Obviously, giving to get is not giving. Giving to manipulate the other is just plain unloving and unhealthy. Manipulation is a way of getting the other person to feel good about you based upon an act, a word or a gift that is not genuine. If you are in trouble or want something or want to do something that makes your relationship partner cranky, then you give. You give them chores. You get the things done they want you to so that you get your way. You give them gifts, the more personal and expensive the better. You give them affirmation, you flatter and compliment them so that they feel good about you, about the relationship etc... These good feelings help build a kind of trust, like a deposit into the "trust bank" then when you need a "withdrawal" you feel like you have enough credit to do stuff that they don't like or agree with.
This whole process of deposits, "smoothing things over" and the like has very little truth and love involved. Giving in this manner is a manipulation. Giving should be planned yet spontaneous in the sense of motive. Why are you so complimentary? Why do you want to buy that for them? That is the question...why? This type of giving will be personal, costly, and deeply gratifying for both of you. Making someone happy for no other reason than that it makes them happy is a very beautiful thing. Unfortunately, there are not a whole lot of good examples out there. So...
If you are interested in a new type of giving in your established relationship or are wondering if a certain gift is ok in your new relationship...
Talk to shawn@coachingthrough.com
shawn
Obviously, giving to get is not giving. Giving to manipulate the other is just plain unloving and unhealthy. Manipulation is a way of getting the other person to feel good about you based upon an act, a word or a gift that is not genuine. If you are in trouble or want something or want to do something that makes your relationship partner cranky, then you give. You give them chores. You get the things done they want you to so that you get your way. You give them gifts, the more personal and expensive the better. You give them affirmation, you flatter and compliment them so that they feel good about you, about the relationship etc... These good feelings help build a kind of trust, like a deposit into the "trust bank" then when you need a "withdrawal" you feel like you have enough credit to do stuff that they don't like or agree with.
This whole process of deposits, "smoothing things over" and the like has very little truth and love involved. Giving in this manner is a manipulation. Giving should be planned yet spontaneous in the sense of motive. Why are you so complimentary? Why do you want to buy that for them? That is the question...why? This type of giving will be personal, costly, and deeply gratifying for both of you. Making someone happy for no other reason than that it makes them happy is a very beautiful thing. Unfortunately, there are not a whole lot of good examples out there. So...
If you are interested in a new type of giving in your established relationship or are wondering if a certain gift is ok in your new relationship...
Talk to shawn@coachingthrough.com
shawn
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Strings attached, is that so bad?
"I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand. No hand at all. She has the hand. I have no hand"--George Constanza from the Seinfeld Episode, "The Pez Dispenser"
In any part of any type of relationship, the practice of giving can feel like what George touched on in the above quote. No power, vulnerable, advantage filled and sometimes calculated when we give. Giving, can be anything--time, energy, money, a gift or item a listening ear etc...We as individuals have many decisions to make about when, how and to whom and in what manner we give. Relationships that are new or just developing, giving can be risky or just feel that way.
I believe that there are 4 different styles of giving and I will touch on one of them here, giving in the hope that it gains you something. Fairness is a tricky word because it usually only applies to the one who comes up with the "elements" of fairness. For example, if I "give" to you my listening ear to one of your concerns, rants, or just plain bad ideas, then down the road I would expect you to listen to me in the similar manner. On paper, that makes sense especially if you are in an established relationship. Or you are in a new relationship and want to see if the other person is tuned in or in your estimation, "cares enough" to listen to you even when you don't make sense.
The problem lies in the score keeping mentality of this type of giving. Sure, it is important to gauge the other person's ability to respond in kind or even use it as a boundary to see if they are as tuned in as you would like them to be. What tends to happen though is the score keeping takes over your ability to assess "where things are at" or "what you want from the other person". I will tell ya, we all disappoint. We all miss the mark. We all don't always do the right type of things at the right time to fully satisfy the other. Score keeping takes us down a road of mistrust and resentment and it is usually just based upon our own set of "elements of fairness".
These elements of fairness, a kind of you scratch my back, I will scratch yours is along the lines of 50-50, meet you in the middle kind of thinking. Score keeping type of giving isn't really giving. It is a type of giving that says, "will give to you in proportion to the giving you give me". What it should be is a little more "all in" mentality. Giving isn't waiting for another to give "appropriately", giving is out of the overflow of the heart to another, in this blog's case, to someone you love or are falling for, just because. Now, for whatever reason you feel your "love cup" is not being filled then I suggest first of all, lose the metaphor. Second, carefully but firmly discuss with your relationship partner what you need and be able to ask them, what can I do that I am not doing? That is the kind of "give&take" I am talking about.
Shawn
Want to talk to Shawn about relationships? Contact him through his website www.coachingthrough.com
In any part of any type of relationship, the practice of giving can feel like what George touched on in the above quote. No power, vulnerable, advantage filled and sometimes calculated when we give. Giving, can be anything--time, energy, money, a gift or item a listening ear etc...We as individuals have many decisions to make about when, how and to whom and in what manner we give. Relationships that are new or just developing, giving can be risky or just feel that way.
I believe that there are 4 different styles of giving and I will touch on one of them here, giving in the hope that it gains you something. Fairness is a tricky word because it usually only applies to the one who comes up with the "elements" of fairness. For example, if I "give" to you my listening ear to one of your concerns, rants, or just plain bad ideas, then down the road I would expect you to listen to me in the similar manner. On paper, that makes sense especially if you are in an established relationship. Or you are in a new relationship and want to see if the other person is tuned in or in your estimation, "cares enough" to listen to you even when you don't make sense.
The problem lies in the score keeping mentality of this type of giving. Sure, it is important to gauge the other person's ability to respond in kind or even use it as a boundary to see if they are as tuned in as you would like them to be. What tends to happen though is the score keeping takes over your ability to assess "where things are at" or "what you want from the other person". I will tell ya, we all disappoint. We all miss the mark. We all don't always do the right type of things at the right time to fully satisfy the other. Score keeping takes us down a road of mistrust and resentment and it is usually just based upon our own set of "elements of fairness".
These elements of fairness, a kind of you scratch my back, I will scratch yours is along the lines of 50-50, meet you in the middle kind of thinking. Score keeping type of giving isn't really giving. It is a type of giving that says, "will give to you in proportion to the giving you give me". What it should be is a little more "all in" mentality. Giving isn't waiting for another to give "appropriately", giving is out of the overflow of the heart to another, in this blog's case, to someone you love or are falling for, just because. Now, for whatever reason you feel your "love cup" is not being filled then I suggest first of all, lose the metaphor. Second, carefully but firmly discuss with your relationship partner what you need and be able to ask them, what can I do that I am not doing? That is the kind of "give&take" I am talking about.
Shawn
Want to talk to Shawn about relationships? Contact him through his website www.coachingthrough.com
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