“I’m not his type. He just doesn’t know it yet.”--Amanda Seyfried from the Movie "Dear John"
The end to any relationship is never fun for either the one initiating the ending or the reluctant receiver of the ending of the relationship. I don't believe in a mutual parting because whether it is said or not, one person is more invested than other. So you have one person with their reasons to leave and you have another person with their reasons to keep at it. Feelings are at the center of it all, no matter how you try to explain it.
The person who wants out has a dilemma. They don't want to feel icky or guilty but they have to do something. In order to minimize the guilt(they don't want the other person to feel bad which in turn makes them feel bad), there are two time tested tactics that are employed. First, hints at the differences or statements made that suggest that those differences aren't going to work. Second, withdrawal or making themselves unavailable. Neither work super well but it's a start. All they really do is confuse and frustrate the reluctant receiver. Why? Because the receiver is still in "relationship" mode trying to figure out the other person with the future in mind. We can see only what we want to sometimes. Trusting our feelings, or really letting your personal feelings guide you to actions to help your own feelings along, in this case lessening the guilt, is what's going on here. Eventually, the receiver is going to press the issue and the "talk" will take place where the person who wants out has to say something more definitive. The receiver will feel rejected because they are being rejected. It is part of the deal but they also don't have to like it nor express gratitude for the "talk".
The receiver's feelings are pushing them along in the relationship because they are way more invested and don't see the need to end the relationship. For their own reasons(could be good, could be bad), their hearts are still engaged. Again, it is easy for the receiver to see what they want to see and not "catch" the hints because they have hope. The person who wants out, sees no hope that this relationship will be what they want so they disengage and plan the exit. It's the waffling of the disengaged that draws these things out. You won't spare another's feelings especially if you are committed to sparing your own(guilt).
We all get lost in our own process. The process out or the process to continue with hope, it is so easy to get locked into our own ideas. Driven by hope or driven by no future it's ok. We just need to take responsibility for our own process and realize that the other person may not be there with you. Since they are most likely not with you in your process, then you need to let them know. This is where telling each other the truth is the most respectful and valuing thing you can do. No has to like it. That is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to have the courage to talk about the process you are in and does it match. If you don't, then, there will be lots of bad feelings (much rejection/anger/victim thinking or guilt/shame/and self questioning).
If you see no hope, or there is no values match, or you see a pattern that is not healthy or what you want, address it. You never know where a little communication can take you.
Shawn
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