"With or Without You, I can't live, With or Without You"--U2's song "With or Without You" from the Joshua Tree Album
Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that feel like the song lyrics above. We are unsure we can live without this person, but man is it difficult living with them in a relationship. Conflicted feelings within a relationship keep us from acting or doing something about our relationships. The conflict within us has two opposing feelings going at once. It is surprising when you experience it because it is so weird. How can you want/not want someone at the same time? It makes no sense. That is what the human heart and feelings do to us. They pull us in all sorts of directions all at once.
Within an established relationship(beyond the beginning), patterns develop. Patterns of how time is spent, patterns of conversation, patterns of dealing with difficulties of life(outside the relationship) and patterns of difficulties within the relationship. These patterns or ways we as individuals deal with situations etc...can create emotional reactions within the two people in the relationship. How one of the individuals deals with the developing patterns, can create a reaction or non-reaction from the other individual.
For example: the guy is struggling with work related issues and proceeds to express his anger and frustration(venting), his girlfriend is a bit taken aback by the intensity of the anger and frustration, to her, he is being a bit extreme with his negative feelings. It makes her wonder if his "temper" is too much for her. She really likes this guy and sees lots of potential but...she is not used to that kind of expression of anger. Another example, she is always talking about money. Not enough money, foolish spending of money, because money is really important and managing your income says a lot about a person. He is beginning to wonder if he will be able to "keep her happy" by providing enough security or walk the tightrope of not spending too much. He really likes her but...he feels she values money/finances more than the person.
Each situation begs a discussion to clarify and express views and feelings regarding the nature of the conversation. Each side has a valid point. It is hard to listen to hard feelings. It is good to share or vent to a friend. It is good to be responsible with money. People are more important than money. Theses conflicting views need to be shared. The question is will they? We get confused. They might be right, but I might be right too? They are so wonderful, but are they really? I really want this relationship to work, but is it? Without a clear vision of what you want and don't want in a potential long term relationship, this "chasing your tail" kind of existence can go on and on. Unless you have clearly defined relationship values(what the relationship should look like) you could stay in any relationship too long or leave too soon. At some point, the relationship it's self has to be evaluated based upon your ideas and what you are convinced you need.
Creating a concise list of characteristics that cover temperament, life values(career, money, beliefs, family), character and communication issues would be a great place to start. It is really important to know yourself because without a bit of self-knowledge, your list will look like the perfect person...for anyone. Being sure of what you need and want in another person will keep you from getting stuck in a relationship to nowhere and keep you from leaving a great relationship.
Shawn
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