In Wanting A Relationship, part 3

"Finding a relationship is work.”--Michaela Watkins from the Movie, "The Back-Up Plan"

What makes finding a relationship so difficult?  Proximity, Positioning,  and Person hood are the three areas I would like to touch on.  Proximity has to do with the changes that take place in just being around eligible people.  Positioning has to do with making yourself available to be talked to and making yourself available to talk to people...in person.  Person hood has to do with how you come off to people in general.  Being too honest too soon--problematic, being too reserved at the start is also problematic.

When it comes to proximity, college for most is when they make friends that last a lifetime or meet their future spouse.  There is no doubt that after leaving the college scene, opportunities for relationships dry up quickly.  Why?  Because college allows us to be around people in the same life stage, chronological age, and similar interests and goals.  Depending if you went to college or where you went even those opportunities could have been limited.  So you are out of college, maybe for awhile, so now what?  You are going to find or create your own proximity.  What I mean is you will have to plan it.  I would recommend hosting 'parties, or outings' and use all your contact resources.  Even your married friends can recommend someone to come to these events.  People like events.  If you are not good at creating an event, I am sure you know someone who does.  Ask them.  No really, tell them why you want them to do this.  What do you have to lose?

Positioning has to do with the delicate balance of being friendly but not too friendly.  Or maybe for you, being friendly vs. being shy.  No one wants to be labeled "desperate".  Once you have achieved proximity now it is time to make yourself available for conversation, or participation in the event or whatever.  Sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone to "sweep you off your feet" ain't gonna happen.  You have to participate in what's going on.  If it is a game, play.  If it is a dance, be ready to dance.  If it is a swim, swim.  Whatever it is, participate.  It puts you out there. 

Lastly, the aspect of person hood has to do with you, again.  Taking an interest in someone else by asking good questions and listening(that means remembering what they answered & their name).  This is something anyone can do.  It is my belief that people like to talk about themselves(some way more than others), what I mean is that people like it when others take interest in them.  Wouldn't you like it if someone asked you a couple of good questions(not too personal but deep enough) and really listened?  How often does that happen outside of our closest friends?  Isn't taking an interest in someone else a key to friendship?  Are we all looking for a life-long friend?  Anyway...you need to answer questions too.  Be open but not too open, like a rambler.  Cutting off answers is a sign to the other person that you don't want to talk to them.  This is where you can practice initiative & response.  You ask a question, they ask a question.  If you keep asking questions and don't give them time to ask you(allow a few pauses) how are you going know if they are interested?  

There is so much more to be said here.  To summarize, create your own opportunities, be a participant and open, take interest in others by asking and answering questions.  If you want a relationship, realize it takes work.  

Shawn