Friendship, Part 2

“Heroes are something we create, something we need. It's a way for us to understand what is almost incomprehensible, how people could sacrifice so much for us, but for my dad and these men, the risks they took, the wounds they suffered, they did that for their buddies. They may have fought for their country but they died for their friends."--Thomas McCarthy, From the Movie, "Flags of Our Fathers"

Since Today is Memorial Day, I felt that the above quote serves two purposes.  First, an acknowledgement of the service to us all by those who protect our freedom by giving up theirs.  Second, and to much lesser degree, there are elements of friendship that we need from each other, sacrifice and risk taking.  Now I don't presume that this little blog here is on the same level or speaks to the same level of sacrifice/risks in friendships outside the combat zone.  I do believe that we need a friend or two that will sacrifice and risk for us.

No where is the friendship of a person more needed than when we are starting a relationship, in a relationship, or ending a relationship.  We need the input because when we are thinking relationship, we are often flooded with lots of emotions and feelings.  Those emotions and feeling are not a bad thing, but they can overwhelm our thinking.  I don't know about you, but with me, I don't always make the best decisions.  We all need help making decisions.  Sure, we need to think for ourselves, but too often, especially as a male, we go it alone.  What do have to lose?  Input from a friend or two can really be helpful.  The only thing is, do we have the type of friends that can take a risk by saying something hard.  Do we have the type of friends that are willing to step back from your friendship so that your new relationship can flourish?  Do we have the type of friends who are willing to risk by asking hard questions? 

Thinking back on my own experiences, I wished that I had asked a friend to ask me about my marriage.  Marriage is hard work sometimes.  Understanding what is going on is even harder when we are fearful, resentful, or blind.  We need a friend to speak into our marriage so that we can see.  Now our spouses are supposed to fill this role, and most of the time they do.  But when hard times hit, and there is lots of conflict or crisis, this is when we need someone outside the situation to speak into "our version" of the marriage issues.  Now this friend must be someone who is totally for the marriage in the first place.  This friend needs to be someone who is willing to be honest.  This friend has to have some sort of personal integrity(their relationships are healthy, and are willing to take input).  If I would have had a friendship relationship like that during my first marriage, it would have made a huge difference.  It might have saved the marriage.  The problem was that I did not want input.  I felt a sense of shame that I was not "doing" marriage well.  No one needed to know that I was scared, no one needed to know that I was paralyzed and didn't know what to do or what exactly what the problem was. 

We need friends to help us.  When we isolate ourselves then all we are left with is our own feelings and ideas about reality.  We need that input to shake up our thinking, and help us make sense of what we are feeling.  Ask for input.  Find and surround yourself with people who will risk and sacrifice for you but be prepared to risk and sacrifice for them.  It could save you lots of pain and a broken heart.

Shawn