Marriage, Uniting Two into One, Part 1

"Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?"

"Make it fifty."

"We're engaged!"--Kramer & Elaine from the Episode "The Wife" From the Seinfeld TV Show.

Marriage is a big deal.  You have two people with different ways of looking at the world but with enough in common to create a marriage.   Some believe that maintaining  your independence and autonomy is the secret to a long and happy marriage.  A 50-50 deal.  Some believe that finding someone that is "compatible" with you, meaning more alike in how they do things, and how they think.  This would reduce the friction of conflict because there are lots of things that are the same.  Still others believe it is all chemistry, magic, and an intimate connection that makes marriage work for the long term. 

I see marriage as a team of differing views coming together with common goals and values.  I believe this is the strongest model.  Why?  Well, for one, there has to be acknowledgement of the other person's point of view.  In this acknowledgement, there should be respect and valuing.  If going in you have some understanding of how the other person operates, then it will help you to be flexible, patient and understanding.  If you don't respect how they operate, or you think you need to change them, then...enjoy your conflict filled life together!  If I am respected, and I am respectful, that brings people together, helps them to be open and honest when there is conflict(which there will be plenty of). 

Discussing values, the things that are most important to us as individuals (future, finances, family, fun, faith...etc) and seeing matches is pretty exciting.  It is the mutually shared values that are going to help keep you married, help you work as team and bring you closer together.  In case you didn't know, your ideas and values need input.  You don't have all the answers, and you don't know ALL the best ways to do things.  You need another point of view to help you see the complete picture.  Allowing someone(spouse) to challenge your thinking and your way of doing things is a healthy thing.  If you have not discussed key values like whether to have children or not, or your vision of how to raise a child, then you are in for a bumpy ride. 

Dreaming together, I like to call having a vision for your life together.  We can get so caught up in planning a wedding we forget to plan for a marriage, and having a vision, a shared vision should be a reflection of your shared values as they are fleshed out.  It is fun to dream together and learning what the other person has to say about what they want.  If you talk about it enough, you will discover their dreams and find an opportunity to be the person to help make that a reality.  What do we talk about as married people?  Remembering our values, recasting our vision, revisiting the elements that bring us together, respect, listening, working together not trying to change the other person.

Marriage is hard work but you don't have to make it harder than it is.  Do a values check, dream together, acknowledge/respect the other point of view.  There is much more to come on this topic so stay tuned.

Shawn