Marriage, Uniting Two into One, part 4

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”--Yoda

The path to the dark side of a marriage is fear.  The choice of infidelity isn't just a sexual issue, it is also a fear issue, fear that nothing is going to change, fear of speaking the truth/confrontation, fear of being a good spouse, so it's time to "blow up the bridge".  Fear can also lead to resentment.  If you are a stuffer(meaning, not a feelings sharer) resentment builds which is a form of contempt which is not far from hate.  Fear also can create the victim in that being so paralyzed with fear that you just take it, whatever it is your spouse does, you just take it because you are so uncertain about yourself that you can talk yourself out of any potential "sticking up for yourself".  Much suffering from this type of fear. 

Fear does lots of things, but one the things it doesn't do is prevent that which you fear from happening.  Fear is like worry.  Worry doesn't change anything, it is just how you feel.  Fear can be a self fulfilling prophecy.  "I am afraid that my spouse will cheat on me, that is what I fear the most".  Okay, no one wants that.  So your motivation in the relationship is going to pull you into the defensive mode.  What I mean is over time you will become obsessed with "not being cheated on" and what you do and what you don't do within marriage will be controlled by this fear.  Instead of learning to give freely and spontaneously, you give out of fear so you only do those things to keep the other person.  I don't care who you are, that feeling of fear is also going to come out of your mouth too.  What is the other person supposed to think?  You don't trust them, you are afraid of losing them.  That type of insecurity is very unattractive whether you are single or married. 

Fear is a real paralyzer.  It plays tricks on our ideas, will and action.  Fear causes us to second guess our intelligence, competency, our feelings, and whether we are worth anything at all.  So when we experience things in marriage, things that need to be addressed, we often have an argument in our heads about what to do.  "If I bring that up...they will get mad", "if I say this or that, it will create distance and that scares me". 
Or we just stuff it with no internal conversation.  If you are married, and when you get married, there will be plenty of times to speak and act on what you think is best.  Don't lose this battle with yourself, speak, share, confront, tell them how you feel, because the consequences of fear is suffering...for you.

Shawn