In Wanting a Relationship, Part 1

"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."

"So, hopelessness is the key?"

"It's my only hope."--George and Jerry from the episode "The Fix Up" from the  TV show Seinfeld

Everyone has been there, that it is better to not have hope of finding a life partner than to hope and be disappointed or worse, unfulfilled.  The fear of never finding someone to be with is every body's deal.  No relationship experience, after a breakup, after a divorce or the feeling that time is slipping away, either way, it is hard.   It's ok to feel that way but the key is not let that feeling  keep you from action.  Here are a few thoughts...

A possible roadblock to a relationship is that we are our own worst enemy.  It is easy to blame others, it is much harder to look within and evaluate possible problems.  Yes, I know that "I want someone to love me as I am" but that very statement can be a roadblock to a meaningful, life long relationship.  That statement can be used as a defense.  Maybe "as you are" ain't that super duper. 

Of course we all want someone to accept us warts and all but are you sure you have done all the work you need to do?  Like appearance.  I am sorry but it's the truth.  Whether you are male or female, passing the eyeball test is our first impression.  Attraction is important but not most important, but to ignore, downplay or rationalize it way is unrealistic.  How do I know?   I know because I have always been chunky.  My weight has fluctuated often over the course of my life.  Weight and health issues are more important than ever to people looking at prospective mates.  Nothing new here.  Every time I started working out, eating better and lost some weight, I had more opportunities for relationship.  My clothes fit better, I wanted new clothes etc...  

Probably the most important part of working on your appearance is how it makes YOU feel.  My clothes fit better, I wanted new clothes, my friends noticed the changes, etc...You just feel better.  If you feel good, the chances are you will be more positive, confident, happy, energetic and who doesn't want to be around that type of person?  By making changes to your body and lifestyle, it can give you hope.  Hope is not a bad thing.  When you feel like your "social life" is out of control, working on your appearance can help.  Obviously, there are dangers to an overemphasis on appearance.  Too much working out, unhealthy eating habits(starving, eating disorders) and obsession with your own body can turn this whole 'upgrading' your appearance thing into a nightmare. 

 Have your friends help you balance this area of your life.   Ask for input by being open to hearing things that you may not like.  Being open to change and being willing to look within are healthy relationship traits.  It is much better than having no hope, at least you are doing something about your relationship dreams.

Shawn