Marriage, Uniting Two into One, Part 2

“We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.”--Mike Myers from the Movie "So I Married an Axe Murderer"

 

Agreement between two distinctly different people can be hard to come by especially when you don't have understanding and trust.  Understanding is that ability to see the other person's strengths even though they are different from you in how they see the world.  To understand is to accept.  Trust comes when you test it.  What I mean is that you allow the other person to function in their strength even when their strength is your weakness.  Of course, there are two people, and there are limits to understanding and trust because these must be developed over time.

 

Let me say it another way in one of my personal favorite illustrations.  I am the gas pedal and my wife is the brake.  Temperament wise, I like to make quick decisions, I like things to happen now instead of later, I initiate in social settings, I have a tendency to be spontaneous with money(impulse buyer), speak my mind often, loudly and with passion.  My wife takes her time making decisions, she is more process driven, so things don't have to happen now, she is reserved in social situations, she is cautious with money and often second guesses purchases, and she is careful in speaking her mind, she chooses her spots to tell you her mind.  You see, gas pedal and brake.

 

It has been becoming more clear with time, that I am in great need of her perspective.  She would say the same for me.  Sure we can annoy each other with our 'way' of doing things but together we make a great team when we really take into account the other person's strengths.  There are times when quick, decisive actions is needed, there are times when we need to think more on some issue or purchase before action.  There are times for direct talk, and there are times to keep your mouth shut.  I learn from her, and she learns from me. 

 

The problems come when we push too hard for our 'way' or when we pick at or belittle our spouse because they are too...whatever.  That is disrespect.  Focusing on what the other does not do well and trying change them, will soon turn into frustration and tearing down.  When tearing down verbally occurs, then trust is lost, openness is lost and now you gotta rebuild the relationship.  Trust is built by affirming the strengths of the other person and allowing them at the right time to 'run with it'.  Again, it is really important for this to be mutual.  There are times when you need to step back and times when you need to be ALLOWED to step forward.   If you, as a spouse are trying to do everything(or think you are doing everything) that also leads to resentment. 

 

Agreement is verbalizing "that this is best for the both of us" even if it is out of your comfort zone.  Agreement is not waiting for the other person to fail and beat them over the head with it(or cold distancing).  Agreement is both people taking responsibility for outcomes of decisions and courses of action(or inaction) and how money is used.  Agreement is not, not speaking up if something is really bothering your about potential decisions, actions and money expenditures.

 

Agreement is, you do this well and I don't, I do this well and you don't and that is a good thing.

 

Shawn