Marriage, Uniting Two into One, Part 3

"That which does not kill you only makes you…stranger.”--Heath Ledger as the Joker from the Movie "The Dark Knight"

In marriage, there are forces from within and from without that puts pressure on the relationship.  Circumstances beyond your control and decisions made within your control that create difficulties that expose character.  Those items out of your control are... being downsized and now unemployed, miscarriages, car accidents that leave lingering injuries, the illness and/or death of a parent or sibling, etc... Hard stuff that can happen to anyone at any time.  Items within your control, usually decisions made that don't turn out, usually money/finances type choices, can really put pressure on the relationship.  Interpersonal differences of temperament, mean spirited conflict tactics(manipulation, purposeful put downs, silent treatment, avoidance, blame, etc...) can also create problems of stress, and uncertainty. 

As you can see, marriage provides numerous opportunities for character development but it's what you bring to the marriage in the first place that will either help or hinder the team.  Being able to identify that which you do as the individual spouse, that is helpful and that which is harmful in dealing with marital pressure.  If you don't know what you do right, how can you have confidence to help?  If you don't know what you do wrong, then how are you going to either take responsibility or seek solutions to fix the problems you create?  Like I like to say to anyone who will listen...You Can't Give Away What You Don't Have! 

Patience, if you don't have it as a single person, it will not magically come to you to be applied in the most pressure/stressful marital situations.  Courage, if you don't have it as a single person, how is it going to pop up when you need to say something hard to someone you live around 24/7?  Openness, if you don't have it as a single person, how are you going to be open  to hearing or saying what needed to be said?  Others include, honesty, monogamy(one relationship at a time, sexual or otherwise), skill with money/finances, etc..

There are plenty of ways to learn some things and be equipped with character but it is my own personal experience that says, a person learns best(meaning long term change) from the pain of failure.  Pain of failure is when you realize that a certain area of your life that you have left unattended just doesn't work and you are now ready for change.  Why?  Because it is costing you big time.  This is when you need an understanding spouse who probably has felt the consequences of your actions or inaction.  The thing is, they have areas that have consequences for you too.  Two imperfect people living life together, learning as they go.  But remember, some mistakes are too big and can cost you everything, like your marriage.  I am focusing on ones that can only make you stronger as a couple, not stranger.

Shawn