Friendship, Part 3

"Having the keys to Jerry's apartment - that kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house it was like a vacation: better food, better view, better TV, cleaner, oh, *much* cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in the twilight, living in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you."

"Me?!"

"Oh, I can barely see you, George."

"Stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out."

- Kramer and George, in "The Keys"

Too often, our circle of friends can be too comfortable.  Sure, part of friendship is finding things in common, like finding the same things funny, liking similar activities, and seeing the world in a similar light.  The trouble comes when ALL our friends are basically the same.  We all watch the same TV shows, like all the same movies, listen to all the same music, like similar clothing styles, etc...The conversations become the same too as we talk about the same types of things in the usual way.  We can begin to believe that this is all there is because our circle of friends are doing the same thing.

The same holds true with feelings.  If I feel, lets say, angry with my parents for the past, it is real easy to surround myself with people who feel the same way, so that those feelings have no way of really changing, just a bunch of people who are mad at their parents for their poor parenting.  No one really offers a way of healing from that.  Just usually more rationalization and self medication for the pain etc..  I would rather have friends who have experienced a good childhood and a bad childhood.  Why?  Because that is reality.  There are people everywhere who have experienced both.  On the flip side, if all your friends are from "positive childhood" experiences, you may find it hard to understand those that didn't have very positive childhoods and their feelings.  You see, empathy for those that are different grows.

What about ideas?  How we see the world, you know...reality... is hard to see if we surround ourselves with people who see the world the same.  Sometimes we do this to trick ourselves into thinking we are right.  Sometimes we do this to trick ourselves into thinking that our "lifestyle" is normal and healthy.  If we can find enough people who think the same way then that makes us feel better and reinforces our belief system.  It pretty much has nothing to do with reality, only to reinforce the reality we choose.  That is of course if you believe there is a knowable reality, and not just one of your own making. 

We all need friends.  We all need some commonality.  We also need some differences too.  Don't surround yourself with...yourself.  Let others challenge your view of the world.

Shawn

Friendship, Part 2

“Heroes are something we create, something we need. It's a way for us to understand what is almost incomprehensible, how people could sacrifice so much for us, but for my dad and these men, the risks they took, the wounds they suffered, they did that for their buddies. They may have fought for their country but they died for their friends."--Thomas McCarthy, From the Movie, "Flags of Our Fathers"

Since Today is Memorial Day, I felt that the above quote serves two purposes.  First, an acknowledgement of the service to us all by those who protect our freedom by giving up theirs.  Second, and to much lesser degree, there are elements of friendship that we need from each other, sacrifice and risk taking.  Now I don't presume that this little blog here is on the same level or speaks to the same level of sacrifice/risks in friendships outside the combat zone.  I do believe that we need a friend or two that will sacrifice and risk for us.

No where is the friendship of a person more needed than when we are starting a relationship, in a relationship, or ending a relationship.  We need the input because when we are thinking relationship, we are often flooded with lots of emotions and feelings.  Those emotions and feeling are not a bad thing, but they can overwhelm our thinking.  I don't know about you, but with me, I don't always make the best decisions.  We all need help making decisions.  Sure, we need to think for ourselves, but too often, especially as a male, we go it alone.  What do have to lose?  Input from a friend or two can really be helpful.  The only thing is, do we have the type of friends that can take a risk by saying something hard.  Do we have the type of friends that are willing to step back from your friendship so that your new relationship can flourish?  Do we have the type of friends who are willing to risk by asking hard questions? 

Thinking back on my own experiences, I wished that I had asked a friend to ask me about my marriage.  Marriage is hard work sometimes.  Understanding what is going on is even harder when we are fearful, resentful, or blind.  We need a friend to speak into our marriage so that we can see.  Now our spouses are supposed to fill this role, and most of the time they do.  But when hard times hit, and there is lots of conflict or crisis, this is when we need someone outside the situation to speak into "our version" of the marriage issues.  Now this friend must be someone who is totally for the marriage in the first place.  This friend needs to be someone who is willing to be honest.  This friend has to have some sort of personal integrity(their relationships are healthy, and are willing to take input).  If I would have had a friendship relationship like that during my first marriage, it would have made a huge difference.  It might have saved the marriage.  The problem was that I did not want input.  I felt a sense of shame that I was not "doing" marriage well.  No one needed to know that I was scared, no one needed to know that I was paralyzed and didn't know what to do or what exactly what the problem was. 

We need friends to help us.  When we isolate ourselves then all we are left with is our own feelings and ideas about reality.  We need that input to shake up our thinking, and help us make sense of what we are feeling.  Ask for input.  Find and surround yourself with people who will risk and sacrifice for you but be prepared to risk and sacrifice for them.  It could save you lots of pain and a broken heart.

Shawn

Friendship, Part 1

"Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?"

"Here."

"Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves."

"I'm trying."

"I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together, at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man."

"Then each of us would only have to be like a half-man. That sounds about right."

- George and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"

I really believe that isolation is the enemy.  Don't get me wrong, time spent by yourself and being able to be alone is a good thing.  Constantly being social and busy with people is usually not good even for people who are people-people.  We all need input and extended time of isolation either by choice or by circumstance is not good.  Why?  Because we all have incomplete ideas about ourselves, relationships, and the world.  These "incomplete ideas" limits our own ability to do the very thing we think we are good at...acting in our own best interest. 

We all have the best intentions for ourselves.  We try very hard to control, or make life the way we want it for ourselves.  Most balanced people(you know who you are, or do you?) do not seek to harm themselves.  I think that is a fair assumption.  Fight or flight right?  And yet, I have never met anyone who has all the answers(of the non-virgin birth variety).  Nor have I ever met someone who always makes the best choices for themselves.  Some of us are better at some things than others.  No one is complete.  We need input, other ideas, and perspective. 

Friends can play a huge role in expanding our concepts about ourselves.  Friends are those people that we like and have something in common with.  Just because someone is your "friend" doesn't mean they are helpful.  Friends can be people we do stuff with, or friends that keep things light and fun, and maybe that is why we like them because they don't challenge our thinking.  Or maybe we have friends that tell us exactly what we want to hear...all the time.  What we need are friends that can be honest with us.  Friends that can be trusted with sensitive information, but are willing to ask hard questions because they care.  What we need are friends that will risk the friendship for our benefit.  Being willing to take a risk and say the hard things to snap us out of our limited and incomplete view of ourselves. 

We don't see ourselves very well, either we think too little of ourselves or we think too highly of ourselves.  We need help to see.  Evaluate your friendships to see if your friends can help you with your blindness.  Or may be it's the blind leading the blind.

Shawn

Marriage, Uniting Two into One, part 4

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”--Yoda

The path to the dark side of a marriage is fear.  The choice of infidelity isn't just a sexual issue, it is also a fear issue, fear that nothing is going to change, fear of speaking the truth/confrontation, fear of being a good spouse, so it's time to "blow up the bridge".  Fear can also lead to resentment.  If you are a stuffer(meaning, not a feelings sharer) resentment builds which is a form of contempt which is not far from hate.  Fear also can create the victim in that being so paralyzed with fear that you just take it, whatever it is your spouse does, you just take it because you are so uncertain about yourself that you can talk yourself out of any potential "sticking up for yourself".  Much suffering from this type of fear. 

Fear does lots of things, but one the things it doesn't do is prevent that which you fear from happening.  Fear is like worry.  Worry doesn't change anything, it is just how you feel.  Fear can be a self fulfilling prophecy.  "I am afraid that my spouse will cheat on me, that is what I fear the most".  Okay, no one wants that.  So your motivation in the relationship is going to pull you into the defensive mode.  What I mean is over time you will become obsessed with "not being cheated on" and what you do and what you don't do within marriage will be controlled by this fear.  Instead of learning to give freely and spontaneously, you give out of fear so you only do those things to keep the other person.  I don't care who you are, that feeling of fear is also going to come out of your mouth too.  What is the other person supposed to think?  You don't trust them, you are afraid of losing them.  That type of insecurity is very unattractive whether you are single or married. 

Fear is a real paralyzer.  It plays tricks on our ideas, will and action.  Fear causes us to second guess our intelligence, competency, our feelings, and whether we are worth anything at all.  So when we experience things in marriage, things that need to be addressed, we often have an argument in our heads about what to do.  "If I bring that up...they will get mad", "if I say this or that, it will create distance and that scares me". 
Or we just stuff it with no internal conversation.  If you are married, and when you get married, there will be plenty of times to speak and act on what you think is best.  Don't lose this battle with yourself, speak, share, confront, tell them how you feel, because the consequences of fear is suffering...for you.

Shawn

Marriage, Uniting Two into One, Part 3

"That which does not kill you only makes you…stranger.”--Heath Ledger as the Joker from the Movie "The Dark Knight"

In marriage, there are forces from within and from without that puts pressure on the relationship.  Circumstances beyond your control and decisions made within your control that create difficulties that expose character.  Those items out of your control are... being downsized and now unemployed, miscarriages, car accidents that leave lingering injuries, the illness and/or death of a parent or sibling, etc... Hard stuff that can happen to anyone at any time.  Items within your control, usually decisions made that don't turn out, usually money/finances type choices, can really put pressure on the relationship.  Interpersonal differences of temperament, mean spirited conflict tactics(manipulation, purposeful put downs, silent treatment, avoidance, blame, etc...) can also create problems of stress, and uncertainty. 

As you can see, marriage provides numerous opportunities for character development but it's what you bring to the marriage in the first place that will either help or hinder the team.  Being able to identify that which you do as the individual spouse, that is helpful and that which is harmful in dealing with marital pressure.  If you don't know what you do right, how can you have confidence to help?  If you don't know what you do wrong, then how are you going to either take responsibility or seek solutions to fix the problems you create?  Like I like to say to anyone who will listen...You Can't Give Away What You Don't Have! 

Patience, if you don't have it as a single person, it will not magically come to you to be applied in the most pressure/stressful marital situations.  Courage, if you don't have it as a single person, how is it going to pop up when you need to say something hard to someone you live around 24/7?  Openness, if you don't have it as a single person, how are you going to be open  to hearing or saying what needed to be said?  Others include, honesty, monogamy(one relationship at a time, sexual or otherwise), skill with money/finances, etc..

There are plenty of ways to learn some things and be equipped with character but it is my own personal experience that says, a person learns best(meaning long term change) from the pain of failure.  Pain of failure is when you realize that a certain area of your life that you have left unattended just doesn't work and you are now ready for change.  Why?  Because it is costing you big time.  This is when you need an understanding spouse who probably has felt the consequences of your actions or inaction.  The thing is, they have areas that have consequences for you too.  Two imperfect people living life together, learning as they go.  But remember, some mistakes are too big and can cost you everything, like your marriage.  I am focusing on ones that can only make you stronger as a couple, not stranger.

Shawn

Marriage, Uniting Two into One, Part 2

“We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.”--Mike Myers from the Movie "So I Married an Axe Murderer"

 

Agreement between two distinctly different people can be hard to come by especially when you don't have understanding and trust.  Understanding is that ability to see the other person's strengths even though they are different from you in how they see the world.  To understand is to accept.  Trust comes when you test it.  What I mean is that you allow the other person to function in their strength even when their strength is your weakness.  Of course, there are two people, and there are limits to understanding and trust because these must be developed over time.

 

Let me say it another way in one of my personal favorite illustrations.  I am the gas pedal and my wife is the brake.  Temperament wise, I like to make quick decisions, I like things to happen now instead of later, I initiate in social settings, I have a tendency to be spontaneous with money(impulse buyer), speak my mind often, loudly and with passion.  My wife takes her time making decisions, she is more process driven, so things don't have to happen now, she is reserved in social situations, she is cautious with money and often second guesses purchases, and she is careful in speaking her mind, she chooses her spots to tell you her mind.  You see, gas pedal and brake.

 

It has been becoming more clear with time, that I am in great need of her perspective.  She would say the same for me.  Sure we can annoy each other with our 'way' of doing things but together we make a great team when we really take into account the other person's strengths.  There are times when quick, decisive actions is needed, there are times when we need to think more on some issue or purchase before action.  There are times for direct talk, and there are times to keep your mouth shut.  I learn from her, and she learns from me. 

 

The problems come when we push too hard for our 'way' or when we pick at or belittle our spouse because they are too...whatever.  That is disrespect.  Focusing on what the other does not do well and trying change them, will soon turn into frustration and tearing down.  When tearing down verbally occurs, then trust is lost, openness is lost and now you gotta rebuild the relationship.  Trust is built by affirming the strengths of the other person and allowing them at the right time to 'run with it'.  Again, it is really important for this to be mutual.  There are times when you need to step back and times when you need to be ALLOWED to step forward.   If you, as a spouse are trying to do everything(or think you are doing everything) that also leads to resentment. 

 

Agreement is verbalizing "that this is best for the both of us" even if it is out of your comfort zone.  Agreement is not waiting for the other person to fail and beat them over the head with it(or cold distancing).  Agreement is both people taking responsibility for outcomes of decisions and courses of action(or inaction) and how money is used.  Agreement is not, not speaking up if something is really bothering your about potential decisions, actions and money expenditures.

 

Agreement is, you do this well and I don't, I do this well and you don't and that is a good thing.

 

Shawn

Marriage, Uniting Two into One, Part 1

"Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?"

"Make it fifty."

"We're engaged!"--Kramer & Elaine from the Episode "The Wife" From the Seinfeld TV Show.

Marriage is a big deal.  You have two people with different ways of looking at the world but with enough in common to create a marriage.   Some believe that maintaining  your independence and autonomy is the secret to a long and happy marriage.  A 50-50 deal.  Some believe that finding someone that is "compatible" with you, meaning more alike in how they do things, and how they think.  This would reduce the friction of conflict because there are lots of things that are the same.  Still others believe it is all chemistry, magic, and an intimate connection that makes marriage work for the long term. 

I see marriage as a team of differing views coming together with common goals and values.  I believe this is the strongest model.  Why?  Well, for one, there has to be acknowledgement of the other person's point of view.  In this acknowledgement, there should be respect and valuing.  If going in you have some understanding of how the other person operates, then it will help you to be flexible, patient and understanding.  If you don't respect how they operate, or you think you need to change them, then...enjoy your conflict filled life together!  If I am respected, and I am respectful, that brings people together, helps them to be open and honest when there is conflict(which there will be plenty of). 

Discussing values, the things that are most important to us as individuals (future, finances, family, fun, faith...etc) and seeing matches is pretty exciting.  It is the mutually shared values that are going to help keep you married, help you work as team and bring you closer together.  In case you didn't know, your ideas and values need input.  You don't have all the answers, and you don't know ALL the best ways to do things.  You need another point of view to help you see the complete picture.  Allowing someone(spouse) to challenge your thinking and your way of doing things is a healthy thing.  If you have not discussed key values like whether to have children or not, or your vision of how to raise a child, then you are in for a bumpy ride. 

Dreaming together, I like to call having a vision for your life together.  We can get so caught up in planning a wedding we forget to plan for a marriage, and having a vision, a shared vision should be a reflection of your shared values as they are fleshed out.  It is fun to dream together and learning what the other person has to say about what they want.  If you talk about it enough, you will discover their dreams and find an opportunity to be the person to help make that a reality.  What do we talk about as married people?  Remembering our values, recasting our vision, revisiting the elements that bring us together, respect, listening, working together not trying to change the other person.

Marriage is hard work but you don't have to make it harder than it is.  Do a values check, dream together, acknowledge/respect the other point of view.  There is much more to come on this topic so stay tuned.

Shawn

In Wanting A Relationship, part 3

"Finding a relationship is work.”--Michaela Watkins from the Movie, "The Back-Up Plan"

What makes finding a relationship so difficult?  Proximity, Positioning,  and Person hood are the three areas I would like to touch on.  Proximity has to do with the changes that take place in just being around eligible people.  Positioning has to do with making yourself available to be talked to and making yourself available to talk to people...in person.  Person hood has to do with how you come off to people in general.  Being too honest too soon--problematic, being too reserved at the start is also problematic.

When it comes to proximity, college for most is when they make friends that last a lifetime or meet their future spouse.  There is no doubt that after leaving the college scene, opportunities for relationships dry up quickly.  Why?  Because college allows us to be around people in the same life stage, chronological age, and similar interests and goals.  Depending if you went to college or where you went even those opportunities could have been limited.  So you are out of college, maybe for awhile, so now what?  You are going to find or create your own proximity.  What I mean is you will have to plan it.  I would recommend hosting 'parties, or outings' and use all your contact resources.  Even your married friends can recommend someone to come to these events.  People like events.  If you are not good at creating an event, I am sure you know someone who does.  Ask them.  No really, tell them why you want them to do this.  What do you have to lose?

Positioning has to do with the delicate balance of being friendly but not too friendly.  Or maybe for you, being friendly vs. being shy.  No one wants to be labeled "desperate".  Once you have achieved proximity now it is time to make yourself available for conversation, or participation in the event or whatever.  Sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone to "sweep you off your feet" ain't gonna happen.  You have to participate in what's going on.  If it is a game, play.  If it is a dance, be ready to dance.  If it is a swim, swim.  Whatever it is, participate.  It puts you out there. 

Lastly, the aspect of person hood has to do with you, again.  Taking an interest in someone else by asking good questions and listening(that means remembering what they answered & their name).  This is something anyone can do.  It is my belief that people like to talk about themselves(some way more than others), what I mean is that people like it when others take interest in them.  Wouldn't you like it if someone asked you a couple of good questions(not too personal but deep enough) and really listened?  How often does that happen outside of our closest friends?  Isn't taking an interest in someone else a key to friendship?  Are we all looking for a life-long friend?  Anyway...you need to answer questions too.  Be open but not too open, like a rambler.  Cutting off answers is a sign to the other person that you don't want to talk to them.  This is where you can practice initiative & response.  You ask a question, they ask a question.  If you keep asking questions and don't give them time to ask you(allow a few pauses) how are you going know if they are interested?  

There is so much more to be said here.  To summarize, create your own opportunities, be a participant and open, take interest in others by asking and answering questions.  If you want a relationship, realize it takes work.  

Shawn 

In Wanting a Relationship, Part 2

"Again with the sweatpants?"

"What? I'm comfortable."

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'" --George and Jerry from the episode "The Pilot" from the TV show "Seinfeld"

This post is not about what clothes you wear or about the evils of sweat pants,  but it is about the "message you're sending out to the world".  We all send a vibe, attitude, or message to the world.  You know, like the messages we send when we are on elevators, "don't talk to me".  Or when we were in school and we did do the homework, "don't call on me".  The non-verbal type like that. 

You can't give away what you don't have.  What do I mean?  You can't send the message of "I am a confident person" when you are not a confident person.  Sure, you can fake it for a short time, but when it comes to meeting people in the hope of a relationship connection, your acting ability will only get you so far.  Either you are or you are not a confident person.  Both types send the message even if they don't realize it.  It is one of those intangibles that makes us humans so awesome. 

Now, there is something you can consider doing about it.  Give away what you do have.  Everyone has certain level of giftedness or strengths.  We all tend to focus on our weaknesses so much so that those weak area(s) rob us of being confident.  It is like the imaginary audience.  We all tend to believe that EVERYONE sees our faults all the time.  Well, I have got news for ya.  They don't.  Why?  Because they are so focused on their own faults to see yours, especially those weak area(s) that are a part of your view of yourself.  Get together with people you trust and have them help you remember your strengths.  That is what you have to give away like a message to the world.

Sure, there is always time to dwell on the weak area(s), try spending more time re-discovering, dwelling and sharing your strengths.  It will give you confidence(not arrogance).  And confidence is attractive to everyone.

Shawn

In Wanting a Relationship, Part 1

"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."

"So, hopelessness is the key?"

"It's my only hope."--George and Jerry from the episode "The Fix Up" from the  TV show Seinfeld

Everyone has been there, that it is better to not have hope of finding a life partner than to hope and be disappointed or worse, unfulfilled.  The fear of never finding someone to be with is every body's deal.  No relationship experience, after a breakup, after a divorce or the feeling that time is slipping away, either way, it is hard.   It's ok to feel that way but the key is not let that feeling  keep you from action.  Here are a few thoughts...

A possible roadblock to a relationship is that we are our own worst enemy.  It is easy to blame others, it is much harder to look within and evaluate possible problems.  Yes, I know that "I want someone to love me as I am" but that very statement can be a roadblock to a meaningful, life long relationship.  That statement can be used as a defense.  Maybe "as you are" ain't that super duper. 

Of course we all want someone to accept us warts and all but are you sure you have done all the work you need to do?  Like appearance.  I am sorry but it's the truth.  Whether you are male or female, passing the eyeball test is our first impression.  Attraction is important but not most important, but to ignore, downplay or rationalize it way is unrealistic.  How do I know?   I know because I have always been chunky.  My weight has fluctuated often over the course of my life.  Weight and health issues are more important than ever to people looking at prospective mates.  Nothing new here.  Every time I started working out, eating better and lost some weight, I had more opportunities for relationship.  My clothes fit better, I wanted new clothes etc...  

Probably the most important part of working on your appearance is how it makes YOU feel.  My clothes fit better, I wanted new clothes, my friends noticed the changes, etc...You just feel better.  If you feel good, the chances are you will be more positive, confident, happy, energetic and who doesn't want to be around that type of person?  By making changes to your body and lifestyle, it can give you hope.  Hope is not a bad thing.  When you feel like your "social life" is out of control, working on your appearance can help.  Obviously, there are dangers to an overemphasis on appearance.  Too much working out, unhealthy eating habits(starving, eating disorders) and obsession with your own body can turn this whole 'upgrading' your appearance thing into a nightmare. 

 Have your friends help you balance this area of your life.   Ask for input by being open to hearing things that you may not like.  Being open to change and being willing to look within are healthy relationship traits.  It is much better than having no hope, at least you are doing something about your relationship dreams.

Shawn

Trusting Your Feelings A Roller Coast Ride To... Part 3

“I’m not his type.  He just doesn’t know it yet.”--Amanda Seyfried from the Movie "Dear John"

 

The end to any relationship is never fun for either the one initiating the ending or the reluctant receiver of the ending of the relationship.  I don't believe in a mutual parting because whether it is said or not, one person is more invested than other.  So you have one person with their reasons to leave and you have another person with their reasons to keep at it.  Feelings are at the center of it all, no matter how you try to explain it.

 

The person who wants out has a dilemma.  They don't want to feel icky or guilty but they have to do something.  In order to minimize the guilt(they don't want the other person to feel bad which in turn makes them feel bad), there are two time tested tactics that are employed.  First, hints at the differences or statements made that suggest that those differences aren't going to work.  Second, withdrawal or making themselves unavailable.  Neither work super well but it's a start.  All they really do is confuse and frustrate the reluctant receiver.  Why?  Because the receiver is still in "relationship" mode trying to figure out the other person with the future in mind.  We can see only what we want to sometimes.   Trusting our feelings, or really letting your personal feelings guide you to actions to help your own feelings along, in this case lessening the guilt, is what's going on here.  Eventually, the receiver is going to press the issue and the "talk" will take place where the person who wants out has to say something more definitive.  The receiver will feel rejected because they are being rejected.  It is part of the deal but they also don't have to like it nor express gratitude for the "talk". 

 

The receiver's feelings are pushing them along in the relationship because they are way more invested and don't see the need to end the relationship.  For their own reasons(could be good, could be bad), their hearts are still engaged.  Again, it is easy for the receiver to see what they want to see and not "catch" the hints because they have hope.   The person who wants out, sees no hope that this relationship will be what they want so they disengage and plan the exit.  It's the waffling of the disengaged that draws these things out.  You won't spare another's feelings especially if you are committed to sparing your own(guilt). 

 

We all get lost in our own process.  The process out or the process to continue with hope, it is so easy to get locked into our own ideas.  Driven by hope or driven by no future it's ok.  We just need to take responsibility for our own process and realize that the other person may not be there with you.  Since they are most likely not with you in your process, then you need to let them know.  This is where telling each other the truth is the most respectful and valuing thing you can do.  No has to like it.  That is not your responsibility.  Your responsibility is to have the courage to talk about the process you are in and does it match.  If you don't, then,  there will be lots of bad feelings (much rejection/anger/victim thinking or guilt/shame/and self questioning). 

 

If you see no hope, or there is no values match, or you see a pattern that is not healthy or what you want, address it.  You never know where a little communication can take you. 

 

Shawn

Trusting Your Feelings A Roller Coast Ride To... Part 2

"With or Without You, I can't live, With or Without You"--U2's song "With or Without You" from the Joshua Tree Album

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that feel like the song lyrics above.  We are unsure we can live without this person, but man is it difficult living with them in a relationship.  Conflicted feelings within a relationship keep us from acting or doing something about our relationships.  The conflict within us has two opposing feelings going at once.  It is surprising when you experience it because it is so weird.  How can you want/not want someone at the same time?  It makes no sense.  That is what the human heart and feelings do to us.  They pull us in all sorts of directions all at once. 

Within an established relationship(beyond the beginning), patterns develop.  Patterns of how time is spent, patterns of conversation, patterns of dealing with difficulties of life(outside the relationship) and patterns of difficulties within the relationship.  These patterns or ways we as individuals deal with situations etc...can create emotional reactions within the two people in the relationship.  How one of the individuals deals with the developing patterns, can create a reaction or non-reaction from the other individual.

 For example:  the guy is struggling with work related issues and proceeds to express his anger and frustration(venting), his girlfriend is a bit taken aback by the intensity of the anger and frustration, to her, he is being a bit extreme with his negative feelings.  It makes her wonder if his "temper" is too much for her.  She really likes this guy and sees lots of potential but...she is not used to that kind of expression of anger.  Another example, she is always talking about money.   Not enough money, foolish spending of money, because money is really important and managing your income says a lot about a person.  He is beginning to wonder if he will be able to "keep her happy" by providing enough security or walk the tightrope of not spending too much.  He really likes her but...he feels she values money/finances more than the person. 

Each situation begs a discussion to clarify and express views and feelings regarding the nature of the conversation.  Each side has a valid point.  It is hard to listen to hard feelings.  It is good to share or vent to a friend.  It is good to be responsible with money.  People are more important than money.  Theses conflicting views need to be shared.  The question is will they?  We get confused.  They might be right, but I might be right too?  They are so wonderful, but are they really?  I really want this relationship to work, but is it?  Without a clear vision of what you want and don't want in a potential long term relationship, this "chasing your tail" kind of existence can go on and on.  Unless you have clearly defined relationship values(what the relationship should look like) you could stay in any relationship too long or leave too soon.  At some point, the relationship it's self has to be evaluated based upon your ideas and what you are convinced you need.

Creating a concise list of characteristics that cover temperament, life values(career, money, beliefs, family), character and communication issues would be a great place to start.  It is really important to know yourself because without a bit of self-knowledge, your list will look like the perfect person...for anyone.  Being sure of what you need and want in another person will keep you from getting stuck in a relationship to nowhere and keep you from leaving a great relationship. 

Shawn

Trusting Your Feelings A Roller Coast Ride To... Part 1

"Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.”--Clive Owen from the Movie "The International"

Trusting our feelings, intuition, or our gut can either saves us grief or bring us grief.  Like the quote refers to, we can cross bridges we shouldn't and burn the wrong bridges.  It's the deciding of which is which that causes us problems.  Our approach is either too rational(no feelings/heart) or too emotional(not rational).  As we apply this to starting relationships, continuing a relationship or when to get out of a relationship things get pretty confusing.   Let's tackle starting a relationship and how or when or if to trust your feelings.

The beginning to most relationships are exciting.  That's the problem.  The excitement and anticipation and expectation throws us off of thinking too much.  It is such a rush of feelings when someone responds to our "interest".  Depending upon where you have been, No relationships, Divorced, recent break up of a long term relationship, or a little too anxious to be married, these factors amplify our feelings and make everything feel right.  We look at the start of a potential relationship with tainted vision.  All we see is good.  All we see is fun.  If we do see issues, we can turn that into either pure blindness or turn it into minimizing(it's not important).  For those of us who are more trust our feelings types, or listen to our feelings, the timing a relationship is almost always now because of how we feel.  "Taking it Slow" does not fit with our feelings orientation because slowing down means one of two things...1.   The Relationship might not happen(that does not feel good).  2.  My feelings will change(probably because I see more issues here).  So 'Trusting' is really 'living off of'.  Trust isn't the issue, it is wanting something too much to listen to anyone or anything else.

The flip side of the start of a relationship is the "it's too good to be true" camp.  The people who refuse to trust their feelings because...well they don't trust them.   There are two reasons for this "feeling".  The first is that this person probably at some point in the past trusted their feelings only to get deeply hurt.  Maybe it took a few times, but now they are skeptics and cynical of others.  Their previous experience(s) has skewed their view so that they can't see a good thing(relationship) even if it slapped them in the face!  They are protecting themselves.  Too much. 
The other darker side to not trusting your feelings at all is a self-esteem/self-worth problem.  It can exist without any previous experience in a relationship.  It is an item we call baggage.  We don't trust others interest in us because we don't feel like we are worth it.  So we apply that which we think about ourselves to those around us.  Trying to start a relationship is nearly impossible because this group of people won't let anyone in or won't let themselves think that they are special or wantable(new word I think). 

The conflicted, are the people who want relationship but go back and forth between saying yes and no.  What you get is the hot/cold treatment while they make up their mind.  Sometimes very feeling oriented, other times acting not interested which means they don't trust either aspect of feelings or no feelings.  Whether this is you or you are getting this treatment...my advice is don't start the relationship give it more time.

Being careful(not trusting) or being willing(trusting) are not bad.  Sometimes we were quite right to be slow to feel excited.  Sometimes we were quite right to feel excited about a new person.  Reading the situation correctly takes courage and restraint.  It just depends on who you are.

Shawn

Driven by Tasks or Driven by Relationship?

"My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can."--Cary Grant
 

Based upon the above quotation from Cary Grant, occupying ourselves when we are awake will either go one of two ways...Tasks or Relationships.  Tasks or projects can drive people.  There is much to be gained from setting a goal, building something, fixing something, cleaning something, creating something and definitely finishing something.  Half of us really get a lot of personal satisfaction and well being from doing things and accomplishing tasks.  The other half is energized by relating to people.  Talking, interacting, meeting new people, staying connected to old friends, managing many relationships, or just being around an event with lots of people doing positive things.  Both styles are needed.  Both styles need each other. 

A relational person can accomplish non-relational tasks but it is more rewarding doing them for someone or doing the tasks with someone.  A project person can be relational but their minds can drift into thinking about tasks they could be doing instead of socializing.  It takes a certain amount of flexibility and understanding to make a relationship work when dealing with these two elements.  The task/project person has to learn to set aside their work to relate to others and especially a significant other meaningfully.  A relational person has to learn to let the project person go...meaning, give them space to do stuff. 

The project person likes to talk about their process of doing.  Obstacles, things learned, specifics of technique and methodology and their deeper meanings and applications.  Not the conversational items a relational person usually cares for.  The relational person loves to talk about people, and what they talked about with that person or people in detail.  Social happenings and trends, other's relationships, ups and downs.  The project person has to strain to track with all the bits of info regarding intertwining relationships. 

People have preferences.  Things that they value over other things.  Finding someone who can appreciate and respect your preferences and also genuinely interact outside their own preference, is a treasure that must be treated as such...a treasure.  Do yourself and your future significant other or present significant other a favor, try to identify which of the two you are task/relationship, and try to identify the task/relationship in the other person.  Then learn to speak into and with that "other" preference.  You will find treasure there.

Shawn

A Male's Eye View of the Life of Guys, part 3

"All men of action are dreamers". --James Huneker

"Dreams are the touchstones of our character."--Henry David Thoreau 

I love these quotes because I totally buy into them.  The idea of being a man of action is really well...manly.  Initiative is action, is proactive, is a self-starter not a reactionary.  Character and what our dreams consist of go hand in hand.  You cannot separate them.  Ask a guy about what he dreams about, what he wants his life to look like, and you will discover his character.  Dreams without character, is just selfish ambition and there is nothing special about that. 

Having a vision gives a man a plan of action.  Action for the sake of action is pointless.  Developing a vision for what you want your life to look like gives guidance to your action.  The vision can be adjusted but a man with no vision for themselves is lost.  All he does is wonder what happened.  Like all those dads on TV sitcoms.  They never have any vision they just react to their wives(to stay out of trouble), react to their children(when was the last time you saw a TV dad provide appropriate leadership?) and take no initiative only do what they are told because they are almost always seen as incompetent.  Show me a passive man and I will show you a person who has settled for OK. 

Being a man of action with a vision is a man who is going to do something about what's on his heart.  That is a whole person.  When choosing to be involved in a relationship, men need to match their vision to the person they want to develop a relationship with.  If the woman's values/vision match then you got yourself a team that can accomplish much.  That is the best pairing for being good parents too.  But if a man has vision but it does not match what's in his heart, you have a misguided man.  Misguided men can have all the action in world, and all the vision in world but if the heart(character), is not involved or stuffed down, then you have project oriented guys who see accomplishment as their guide not heart/character.  And as we know from the distant past, and present, much can be accomplished but very little has any value. 

See most US Presidents, CEO's, most professional athlete's and musicians.(Just my opinion)

Vision and action, though, need to be nurtured and affirmed.  Advice to the women...don't try so hard to change your man.  You just might be sucking the life out of his vision and action.  Security is important, but so is vision of things you cannot see yet.  Uncertainty breeds either fear/courage or action/paralysis.  A woman who trusts her man's plan, gives him opportunity to see his and her vision come to pass.  Fear of failure is a killer.  Constantly reminding someone of mistakes made in the past is like throwing water on the fire of their vision and action. 

Single men, develop your vision of what you want your life to look like.  If you can't articulate it, then you have no vision.  Being rich, being famous, having power over people is not what I would consider a vision.  A vision is what you see yourself being and doing in the future.  Specific.  If you desire to be married, then what is your vision for your marriage?  What would you do for your wife?  What kind of things would you plan for the both of you to do?  What kind of things would you want to be able to talk about without yelling at each other?  If you desire to be a father, then what kind of father would you want to be?  Specifically, what skills, values and ideas would you want to give/impart to your children?  How would you like for them to see you?

Vision and action.  Character and teamwork.  No man is an island.  Be a difference maker, a man of action and vision, because the world needs more men like that.

Shawn