Some Signs of Long Term Potential, Part 2

"We all make time for the things that are most important to us"--Unknown

The above quote is one of my favorites.  Why?  Because it expresses a value that I wholeheartedly believe in.  It is a value statement.  A value statement of priorities, a value statement of how time is spent by an individual.  I also like the sense of the absolute in it.   That is enough about me and what I like about a quote that I don't know where I picked it up from.  Anyway...

In a relationship when trying to assess the long term potential(is this person someone I want to marry), shared values are tremendously important.  Values are those things that we as individuals think are important and are the ideas we actually live by.  These values are the truths we believe, everything from what we think is good and bad, what we think of politics, marriage, family, raising children, money/finances, careers, spiritual life/issues, etc...It is the stuff of life. 

Defining which values are negotiable and non-negotiable is key.  If as an individual you have not thought through what's important to you, then you are liable to compromise in areas that end up being really important.  Why is this a big deal?  Let's say you have one person who is way more spiritually oriented than their partner.  The spiritual person is at some point going to desire to share that experience with their partner in deeper ways over time.  The person who is non-spiritual may change their mind or may not.  If they continue in not wanting to participate in a spiritual life, it becomes a huge area of difference and separation between the two.  You have one person believing that the spiritual life is best and wanting that for the person they love the most, and you have another person, trying to maintain or keep at a distance the spiritual life they do not want or believe they need.  You end up with two people in one house living separate lives.  No soul mates here.  The wanting children vs. not wanting children is another huge value.  There is much difficulty for the couple who marry but have not sorted this one out before making that commitment.  You have one person yearning for a child or children, to be a parent.   You have another person who is committed to living without children and they have their reasons.  One person in the relationship feels cheated, the other feels pressure all the time to change their mind.  Neither is happy.  Marriage is challenging enough without this kind of issue hanging over both their heads.  Obviously, I can go on and on.  Finances and jobs/careers should be sorted out too before making one the biggest commitments of your life. 

What is really great is when values are shared mutually.  These shared values are bonds that are hard to break, areas where trust can grow quick and strong.  Plus, when we share values, couples communicate better and have a tendency to work as a team.   Sure there will be disagreements along the way within each value but at least you are talking the same language.  Spending the rest of your life trying to change the other person is not respectful nor helpful.  The changer pressures, the one who feels the pressure, is made to feel less than.  Differences of opinion and values are great in the realm of public life, but those differences can really hurt a long term marital relationship.

Shawn