Loving and being Love part 1

"You say, Love is a Temple, Love a higher law, you ask me to enter But then you make me crawl, And I can't be holding on to what you got When all you got is hurt"-From the Song One by U2

For some of us, our experience in people "loving" us is like the lyrics to this song.  Love is spoken or held in high regard yet not practiced at all well.  Love with strings attached, or love actions or words used as manipulation.  It's not really love at all but if that is all you know from experience then those people and experiences really mess with your head and your heart.  What does a loving relationship look like?  Will I be able to receive love(trust)?  Can I give love in it's proper way or will I just use the word to play out my messy issues?  Vulnerability is the ability to give and receive love.

To allow yourself to become vulnerable, is to put your heart out there.  Usually, it is an expression of feelings, thoughts and a commitment of sorts of "seeing where this relationship will go".  Openness of your dreams, hopes and feelings really exposes your heart to love or hurt.  I would say the highest form of Love or vulnerability is to say out loud or to yourself "I will love this person regardless of their ability to return my love".  That is vulnerability.  Now I didn't say that they can walk all over you, or you don't address issues but that expression is pretty scary. 

Vulnerability is also the ability to count the cost of loving someone and still choose to love them.  In many cases, it is not unknown that it will be costly to your time, energy and feelings.  You know at some level that if this relationship doesn't work out(to marriage) or the marriage falters(separation/divorce) you are still willing to give all your heart to this person in the process.  On a lesser level, choosing to love someone who has some issues(who doesn't), that bother you is a risk too.  Unfortunately, many of us keep looking for someone who is perfect or a perfect match which we think would make loving them easier.  There is a whole other set of blog posts on compatibility.  Regardless, loving is a risk no matter the person. 

Being hurt in the past and the deeper the hurt or broken heart the more difficult it is in finding the ability to be vulnerable.  You know what it takes to be vulnerable because you have done it before but are very hesitant to go there again.  Only under the most optimal circumstances will you allow yourself to even consider putting your heart out there.  You may even be married and struggle with vulnerability.  Within marriage, we can be hurt by our spouse and if not addressed or understood we can as individuals "run for cover" by withdrawing.  Maybe for you it has nothing to do with past broken hearts or previous relationships.  Maybe it has to do with never having the opportunity to be vulnerable so you don't really know what is it like, or someone is asking you to be vulnerable with them and you don't know how because you are unsure of what it is. 

Vulnerability is the key to loving someone.  Being open, courageous, and expressive are just a few of the traits of the vulnerable person.  Too often in our culture, the word vulnerable means "I am at a point of weakness" or "I made stupid choices because I was feeling vulnerable" or vulnerability means needy.  Of course that is not what I think.  There is more to be said here but I will save it for my next post.

Shawn