Finding Your Voice in a Relationship, part 2

"If I could read minds, I would get paid more"--Unknown

In the previous post, we talked about a couple aspects to having a "voice" in the relationship.  One was decision making as it relates to when to say something that bothers you or not.  The other aspect was it's good to share you likes and dislikes.  This post is about being honest in what you say or do your words match what you are really tryng to say.

One thing to remember is that each of us is so locked into our own worlds/reality that it takes a lot of energy and intention to step outside that world/reality.  We all have our way of talking.  Some people are direct and others tend to be indirect.  Direct people tend to wear their emotions on their sleeve and have to spend a lot of engery/thought to "filter" what they say.  These people are bad poker players because they cannont contain their thoughts or feelings without showing them to the world.  Their "voice" in a relationship is intense, emotional, and is out there.  They certainly have a voice in a relationship but it can be all over the place, not focused and not always a true reflection of what they mean to say.  Some times it is an emotional outburst that is misplaced, which only serves to confuse or intimidate the other person in the relationship into not sharing their "voice".

The indirect people measure their word carefully and are more sensitive to how what they say will affect others.   Filters are important tools to protect others(usually themselves) from hurtful words.  Though it is true that Filters are necessary to communicate politely, employing them in a relationship too often brings confusion.  The tendency of indirect people is to be subtle or hint at what they want or mean.  They have the same emotions, thoughts and desires as the direct person but they have developed a way of communicating that sometimes takes a magnifying glass to sift through the meanings.  Their "voice" in a relationship is often muted and confusing to the listener and just like the direct person, what they are saying is not the true representation of what they are trying to say.

In the start up of most relationships, it is the connecting of communication that has a lot of power.  Does this person understand, relate or is tracking with what I am saying?   Do we laugh at the same things?  Seeking to be understood is huge.  As you progress in the relationship, you begin to talk about or attempt to talk about things that are closer to the heart and this is scary for both types.  As the couple assesses long term potential (marriage), topics and situations that come up, test the ability of the couple to understand and be understood.  Even then, as years go by, it is important to clearly "voice" your feelings and thoughts in a real way not in a pre-packaged, minimalist way or in an over the top, "I can talk louder with more emotion than you" way.  Here is an example conversation(not super deep but not super surfacy)...

Direct person--What did your friends think of me?(they thought I was nice and we are a good match)
Indirect person--They liked you but they thought you were a bit quiet.(It's the weekend and I want someone with more energy)
Direct person--I don't think I was "quiet" I was tired from a long work week.(I was totally engaging them in conversation, taking an interest because I know the friends have to sign off on this relationship)
Indirect person--They also said you were stand offish.(He is not getting what I trying to say here so here is another bit of info)
Direct person--Wow, I was not standoffish, in fact I thought I did well to talk to them. talking louder more intense.(Now I am mad, she has stupid friends who don't know what they talking about)
Indirect person--Don't get mad at me, I am just telling you what they said.  (he is too intense, I don't like this angry response, we are just talking!)

In trying to be "Nice" or "filtered", the real issue is not the friends, but using what the friends said to deflect blame or redirect an important aspect of the relationship that needs to be addressed more directly.

Here's Another one...

Indirect person--How was work today? (I am taking an interest in you and what you do)
Direct person--Work sucked!  I hate my job, I hate my co-workers, they are all jerks!  My boss totally takes advantage of me, I deserve better than this, you know what?  I think I am going to quit on Monday!  I will walk.  That will show them that they cannot treat me like this.  (obviously, angry, discouraged, hurt, and very emotional, ready to be implusive)
Indirect person--Oh, I am sorry, but do you think quitting is a good idea?(wow, what a hothead, I really feel uncomfortable)
Direct person--You don't understand, and I don't want to talk about this, in fact, I need some alone time!(just flailing around, emtremely emotional)
Indirect person--Okay...I guess, see ya.(All I asked was a simple question, if this is the response I am going to get, I don't want to ask questions any more, I don't like this intensity and anger over something I did nothing to deserve to be directed at me.)

Here the Direct person with their unfiltered ways cutting off communication by their emotions.  Sure, they could revisit this conversation later but...probably not.  The direct person could not slow down enough to express their deeper feelings about their career/job.  The indirect person asks a simple and gets just bluster.

Finding your voice takes work.  It is critical to long lasting relationships though.

Shawn