Some Signs of Long Term Potential, Part 1

“If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me.” Will Farrell in the Movie, Blade of Glory

 

In a relationship, once you get past the beginning, you start to take a serious look at the future of the relationship.  Sure you are supposed to take that under consideration in the first place, some people do(smart),

most of us don't(not smart).  So the assessment begins, "Is this a person I could be married to?", "Do they want the same things I want?", "Are they still going to be fun in 30 years?" etc... Many other questions we ask ourselves.  So here is what I think are some some signs of long term potential(marriage)...

 

All relationship start with the give/take of initiative/response.  Someone has to make the first move.  It can be as simple as one word, "hello", it can be as elaborate/planned out as figuring out where they are going to be and "bumping into" them for a chat.  Someone is doing something to get the other person to notice them.  Someone has to make an invite(ask out for date, as us old people would say), to something.  It is up to the person who was invited to catch a clue then respond.  Even on a date, there is a lot of initiative/response.  No response is a response.  I think you get the idea moving on...

 

So as a relationship progresses, a sign that the relationship has long term potential is where initiative(doing something first, proactive not passive, making something happen) is mutual.  Each person is feels free to start something.  Conversations about certain topics would be an example.  Activities that they know the other person likes to do.  Confrontation about issues that come up in relationships.  Someone has to go first and the other person responds to that lead. 

 

Let's look at conversations.  Conversations are not arguments but are about learning about the other person.  It is getting beyond the surface of opinion toward getting to shared values(or looking for them).  Topics like children, family, work/career, politics, spiritual issues and relationship boundaries(a whole other set of blog posts!) is what I am getting at.  If both of you feel free to initiate these types of conversations that is very good.  There is another part though...the response.  If in starting a conversation about these topics and the response is snippy(why do we always have to talk about this stuff), or non-committal(I don't know, I need to think about it) all the time, you don't got much of relationship.  If one person is always initiating conversation about values, and the other never seems to initiate, then this needs to be addressed.  But realize something else, one person may not be ready to tackle a topic and needs time.  Timing is very important so keep that in mind.

 

Let's look at activities.  Initiating activities is a good way to see if two people really "get" the other person.  It is the choosing of an activity that is important.  Doing something the other person likes that you could take or leave is a good sign of long term potential.  When this is mutually shared, feel really good about this relationship.  Obviously, doing that same thing, or too much, or too little activity(outings everything from dinner & a movie to hiking to going to concerts, to hanging out at the book store) is not good.  Again, if someone wants to do stuff and is initiating all the time and the response is lukewarm or snippy all the time, check the relationship.  I will throw this one in there, if spending time together is put off or someone wants a lot of alone time, check the relationship(more blog posts to come on this one).

 

Finally, let's look at confrontations.  No one likes to be confronted or do the confronting.  But if you feel free to bring up concerns or hurt feelings or corrections(what were you thinking?) with an open, honest and not too defensive response then you really got something here and are ready to be married because, if you can communicate to each other negative feelings and thoughts that is awesome!  Time in any relationship will provide you plenty of opportunities to see if your relationship can handle confrontations.  Your relationship may be going nowhere if only one person confronts all the time.  Your relationship may be going nowhere if the response is always defensive or snippy(Why do you have to be so dramatic?).  If no one is confronting and no one is taking responsibility for their actions(I'm sorry works well), then you have problems that time will not fix.

 

You can know with assurance that your relationship can go the distance.  It takes practice and time but it feels great that no topics are off limits, that the person you are with "gets" you and knows how to make you happy with activities that you like, and you can have confidence in their care because they can give it out and take it with confrontation/correction.

 

Shawn