“Men have this anti-intimacy force field around them. It is powered by sarcasm, humor, and aversion.”--Jonathan Tucker from the Movie 100 Girls
The above quote perpetuates a stereotype of men being anti-intimacy. Intimacy has to do with emotional openness, closeness and connection(not sex or physical intimacy which we all know men are all about). To gain that kind of emotional connection with women, feelings have to be understood, embraced, trusted(to a point) and expressed. Men have lots of feelings but are poorly practiced at understanding them, embracing them, trusting them and expressing them.
Why so poorly practiced? Because men, in friendships with other men, those men don't require or want that kind of connection. We grow up for the most part, not really developing the emotionally expressive side our persons. It is there. It needs development but too often, that development does not happen until men get married and are confronted with another person that ask, needs and requires more than they are accustomed to giving.
Us guys, to generalize, are uncomfortable with our feelings. If you have ever seen a guy who is in love, I am mean really in love(not being a player), you see the feelings gushing out. Until that point, we are unsure of what we are doing, or feeling. We try to think about and analyze the relationship in terms of a+b=c when relationships, love, intimacy, etc... can't always be put into a box or mathematical equation. What is our next step? What do we do next? Some men go way too fast because their feelings are overwhelming them and they are not thinking but just expressing. No filter. After two outings(sorta dates) some guys are thinking long term. I mean really long term. Why? Because they are drowning in a sea of feelings and have not learned to swim. Some other men are way less proactive and transparent. Passive, playing defense, let her make the moves then I will react sort of guys. They have feelings but are afraid or stuck to act on them. These guys are all filter. Maybe it is their temperament(shy, reserved), maybe they have been rejected(the worst thing possible), so they play it so safe they are impossible to connect to.
Women, by nature live in a world of competing, paradoxical feelings 24/7. What I mean is that women are more used to feelings and living with them than men. We have to turn on the feelings switch, women have to turn it off. It's where women live, men go there for the weekend. Get the difference? Also remember, guys like doing things that they know they are good at. Feelings, talking and taking risks that could get them rejected are not those "things" they like to do. Regardless, men need to learn how to be whole people. Action, doing and feelings, connectible all at the same time.
I have omitted a group of guys...the players. They know how to get what they want. They flirt, talk, charm, lie, play the "bad boy" basically manipulate. If you don't have boundaries, you are doomed ladies. Wait and see, time tells all. Anyway...back to nice guys. Shy guys have lots of feelings, must be drawn out. Emotional guys express themselves usually all over the place and too much too soon. You have to sift through what they say and help them channel their ideas. Either way, guys have tons of feelings, desire closeness and can be emotional. We are just out of practice, not broken.
Shawn
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