"All a man needs in this life is someone to love. If you can't give him that, give him something to hope for. If you can't give him that, give him something to do.”--Scott Michael Campbell from the Movie "Flight of the Phoenix"
I love the above quote. I think it sums up a very general definition of what makes guys tick. Love/Relationships, Hope/Potential, and Problem Solving/Doing seems like a good place as any to start. Oh how we guys like doing stuff, chopping, burning, building, fixing, growing, playing, all you need to do is look at a bunch of 3 year old males and see all the activity. We also can envision the future, dream and hope that we can make a better way for ourselves and those around us. Love is elusive and confusing but when you see a guy who is IN LOVE, boy, is he a goner it is so obvious.
So I am going to try to explain some key elements of maleness from my perspective as a male. The first thing that strikes me about being a male is how we love to talk about what we are doing, have done and will do. Ladies, you really need to observe a small group of 11 to 13 year old males clumped together. When they are not doing but talking, you would hear them tell each other about something. Guys don't talk well but we can sure are tellers. These youngsters will be telling each other what they did as individuals, one upping each other with stories of how they almost died, or stories of how they broke their arm, or stories of how cool some new thing(car, bike, TV show, movie, sports thing, gun, fireworks, you get the idea) is. They all share some sort of exploit which is either met with a put down(not always seen as a bad thing) or an approving nod or grunt then on with another story. This is male communication. We love to talk about stuff, we love to tell you stuff but we don't like telling anyone what we are thinking or feeling. If we do share feelings, it is usually anger or enthusiasm.
As we get older, we realize that we need to learn to listen and ask questions if females will spend any kind of time with us. Females in general, ask weird questions, like 'what are you thinking about right now?' or 'what are your feelings on....?' We want others to like what we do and listen to all the things we are doing, will do and have done. We as males absolutely don't like any activity that we don't do well at like...sharing our feelings especially if we are sad, dancing or sports, or school, or socializing or whatever it is. Unless...we can make fun of it while we are doing it. We attach too much of our self-esteem to being good at something but is really important for us to be good at something. Some guys will sacrifice relationships and family for the sake of building a career, a business, whatever because the pull to be good at something and doing it really is our catnip.
I know that I am dealing in a broad generalization here but I really believe that for 90% of all males this doing thing is a big issue. You want to see a guy that has no confidence? I will show you a guy who isolates himself, has no ambition, and lack focus. A passive male is a guy who is afraid to make a mistake, or thinks he can't do anything right. I have been a passive person before, and I know that I lacked a lot of confidence to accomplish much of anything. I was also deathly afraid of failure. Fear of failure can paralyze you or drive you. It depends upon your confidence level. If there is one thing a man needs to build his confidence is affirmation. Most guys don't know this. But affirmation is the fuel that drives confidence(and experience helps too). It gives us the courage to try, to do, to keep doing. Affirmation helps to develop our identity...what we do well. Left on our own, we would have little idea of what we are good at unless someone told us. Someone we respect or desire their respect tells us we are good, then we are good.
Affirmation is for everyone but guys need it if you want them to be confident doers, fearless risk takers and productive partners. Ladies and parents...please take note.
Shawn
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