"If you live your life angry at your parents, you’re only hurting yourself.”--Drew Barrymore from the Movie "Lucky You"
The common denominator for all of us is we have parents. Biological, non-biological, alive, dead, old, young, healthy, sick, good or bad, we have them. Our parent(s) influence on us is a reality whether we believe it or not. Understanding the deeper impact of this reality on our lives as adults is of the utmost importance in relating to others socially, professionally, and romantically/long term/maritally. So too, for the person you are dating, in relationship with, and who is under consideration for long term relationship. If you are married, you and your spouse's perspective on how each of you were influenced by your parents can unlock a deeper understanding of your marriage and relationship. There are three types of perspectives to look out for that I want to talk about here, the blind/or inexperienced, the minimizer's/denial people, and the angry/blamers.
First the blind or inexperienced person perspective on their parents. It takes time and some experience to live freely as an adult to see your childhood and the parenting your received in a different light. Time has a way of letting things develop like patterns. Decision making, values and direction will all come to light in time. Until we begin to see patterns develop, have experience dealing with problems or obstacles, it will be hard to gain perspective in general. Experience is a great teacher. Personal experience in life gives us a style of living to compare to our parents. It may be similar, it may be different, it may be a reaction to our parents. You won't know until you lived a little. You don't have to be old chronologically to have experience in life. How does this relate to our perspective on our own parents?
Again, time and patterns develop. By nature, parents, well...parent. It is hard for them too, to transition their parenting style as you get older. You will receive parenting as an adult and their style of parenting will be very much the same style of parenting you received when you lived in their house. If they are fearful parents, then fearful parenting, if they are distant, distant parenting, if they are controlling, controlling parenting. The difference is that you have new eyes in which to see, freedom to choose, freedom to disagree, freedom to speak, freedom to distance your self if needed. They can't turn off their issues, they will be made known. Now it is up to you to apply both the great things your parents have given you and learn from the not so great things they gave you(either intentionally or unintentionally).
Being blind or inexperienced is not a crime. It is just that, when in a serious relationship, I think it is best that both people are either blind/inexperienced or both have experienced perspective on their parents and the effect it's had on them. It can be frustrating for the blind person in relationship with the experienced person because they seem so negative about their childhood/parents. Likewise, the experienced person is frustrated with the blindness of their partner as they can see the parental issues but the other person can't.
We all need to know our own parents in reality, the good and the bad so that we can know how we are flavored and that we can treat our parents with respect, affirming the good they have done, and speaking into some of the flaws which will create conflict. We need to know ourselves as much as possible so that we can relate to our friends, significant others, and our spouses appropriately, safely in a balanced way. Finding perspective on the effects of how you were raised will save you lots of grief and bring you much happiness in relationships and in life.
Shawn
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