Regarding Parent(s), Part 3

“Home was an increasingly difficult concept for me.” --Luke Wilson from the Movie "Middle Men"

 

For many people, home, family, Dads, Moms and childhood was not a good experience.  On varying levels, many people had difficulty with their relationships with their parents especially.  Let's be honest, parents can do some serious damage to their kids.  Everything from physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, being too protective, not being protective enough, codependent, neglectful, controlling, manipulative, inconsistent and the like.  This kind of stuff is not a one time occurrence in the bad parent-child relationship, it is a pattern of living, a lifestyle that wounds, hurts and destroys.  There are lesser forms of bad parenting which can even be unintentional.  You don't have to have extreme experiences in childhood for a negative effect in adulthood.  This final installment on Regarding Parents has to do with anger and blame.

 

Regardless of the specifics of your childhood experience, we all have a choice to make as adults.  Do we live in reaction to the parenting we received or do we live in light of the parenting we received.  What do I mean?  Feel unloved by your parents?  You will not find it in another person enough to fill that which is lacking.  Feel worthless?  You won't find enough worth in relationships/accomplishments/money etc...Can't get the approval you want from your parent(s)?  You won't get it even if you do everything perfect.  Why?  You are chasing ghosts.  You are trying to address issues that cannot be successfully addressed purely on the motivation/direction that the lack of parenting provided you.  You are addressing the issues of your parents.  They are not changing.  You are living in reaction.  Discovering why you want to do or be whatever is super important to understand.  Carrying hatred, anger and bitterness is only self destructive and doesn't change what happened.  Hatred/anger/bitterness is the type of stuff that ends up controlling you. 

 

Living in light of the parenting you have received is to move on.  Sure there are scars.  You need to be aware of them.  You choose your direction, not the leftover feelings of past events.  How are you supposed to choose?  By not being afraid to dig through the rubble of what you thought your childhood was.  By allowing yourself to be open to talking about, making sense of, exploring your childhood experiences.  No openness?  Then you will have no ability to move on and live life on your terms.  You need to know the cause and effect relationship of the feelings/messages received/experiences you had.  For the most extreme experiences, see a counselor. 

 

Now, not everybody sees their childhood as a big stumbling block.  There is plenty of good parenting out there, and not all parents are doing such bad things.  One sure sign though that your childhood is controlling your adulthood is the nature of your relationships.  Who are they?  What do you do together?  How many relationships?  The how and the why of their endings?  No significant relationships?  Why?  Are you willing to self evaluate?  Are you defensive?  These are the ways to tell where you are at with the parents/childhood thing.  The question is...do you really want to know?

 

Shawn