Loving and Being Loved, Part 2

"For When I am Weak, then I am Strong"--Apostle Paul from 2 Corinthians 12:10-the Bible

The above quote is not how we operate.  Paul came to understand this principle over time through making himself vulnerable to God.  Yet, outside of the Bible and in our experience this quote has much merit when it comes to vulnerability in a relationship.  It is not so much a position of power if you admit or are weak.  In a relationship, by admitting needs, hurts and dreams you can make a relationship strong.  Pretending to be strong when you are weak, weakens the relationship.  Closeness and intimacy grow out of vulnerability.  And who doesn't want that in a relationship?

To admit need is not culturally(in America) acceptable.  One of the foundations of American thought is to be independent.  Our economy is based on the fact that you can buy stuff so you won't have needs.  Through consumerism and the false sense of security that money, a nice house, a fancier car, and technology brings, has so flavored our perspectives that it is hard to break away from self-existence.

So it is counter intuative to express or communicate need.  People do express their needs but usually when it is too late or life&death because it becomes obvious.  In a relationship, expressing needs is not easy at all.  Of all the people in your life you want to like you or admire you or think you are great it is the one you love.  Yet, when we don't express our needs, we can get resentful wondering why our partner doesn't "get" us.  Needs can be as simple as telling a person what you like.  Needs can be situational, "I am exhausted, can we just stay home tonight".   Even that last example can be hard when it is a planned event that your partner is excited about(and so are you) but you take the risk to say that you need rest.  Needs can even be confrontational or corrective.  "I need for you to not...interupt me or be so loud, or drive so fast etc...

Admitting hurts is easier than admitting needs.  Hurts well....hurt.  Pain, anger, disappointment, self-righteousness are feelings we all are familiar with and have experienced outside of our love relationship.  Even people who are self-proclaimed "stuffers" blow up eventually.  Not to say we all express these hurts appropriately but sometimes we just do.  In loving and being loved the trick is to learn how to express hurt so that another hears us.  Hurts are either past(nothing to do with the current relationship) or present(has everything to do with the current relationship).  Expressing past hurts helps people to understand where you have been and my explain your reactions to unintended woundings.  Expressing present hurts helps to deepen and strengthen the current relationship by giving the other person a chance to understand how they act and it's effect. 

Telling someone your dreams is to share those dream(s).  This is about the future and what you envision for your life, living, values, money, activities, children(maybe), parenting(your current ideas) etc... To Share your dreams is to see if there is a match and to talk of what is hoped for can make you feel silly.  Silly in that, you don't normally talk this way, and that you get this uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that none of this will happen and you feel exposed. 

Vulnerability has these elements of sharing with someone your needs, hurts and dreams.  Obviously, if shared too soon or shared with the wrong person can really hurt and do lots of damage.  But I say, that if not shared at all with anyone ever, or rarely, or shared in a untruthful manner, you are only hurting yourself.  For a relationship to "work" you got to put yourself out there.  Most people would rather be naked in front of another or engage in sexual activity with someone than share their hearts.  If you can't share your heart, you are not sharing anything.

Shawn